Healthy Relationships Online Support Group

Good Evening everybody. My name is Awna. This is my first time posting in this forum I think. But I need some advice. In the past, I never cared for relationships. I was most happy just being by myself and not having to depend on or commit to anybody but me. In the past few years, I've begun getting lonely and wishing I had what everybody around me seems to be so happy in. Now I've been seeing this guy recently. We had an almost instant connection to each other like we're meant to be. I really like him and enjoy being with him and he swears to me that it's the same for him. We met once two in a half years ago at a convention and we ended up sitting up all night talking to each other. We exchanged phone numbers and tried to keep in touch. But that didn't happen once the convention ended and we lost contact. Then about a year ago, I had posted an ad on Craig's List and he had responded to it. Once we got to talking about our hobbies and interest, the convention came up again and it suddenly clicked that he was the same guy I'd spent all night talking to. We've been texting and sort of seeing each other ever since. Lately though, it's almost impossible to do anything because he's always calling off and giving me these reasons that sound serious and all. But I'm the queen of excuses and I've used half of the ones he's used in the past myself(although that was usually to get out of work not out of a date). I don't know what to do. I know he has his own life and sometimes the people in his life have to come first. But I need to feel like I'm important too and lately, I feel like I'm just a convenient excuse to get away from his family when they're bugging him or like...he just wanted to prove that the impossible to tame could be tamed. I really don't know what else to do or how to handle the situation. I'm in unfamiliar waters here. Thank you for listening.

Awna

hi Awna, whats the most common route of 'the excuses'? ie is it all family connected so its plausable, mums ill, brother needs support, sister needs taking out, me and bro are taking mum to hospital? so theres a pattern or are they all just random.

that being the case, myself, i always start from within 'WHY' its a wonderfull word adjective, verb and a common denominater to know why? its not just a question you would ask him, if you did youd be asking yourself 'was that true'. personally id start with 'am i coming on to heavy, do i give him enough personal space or am i always on his case. am i nagging telling him what he can/cant do, being a 'mum'. these 'whys' you know, ask yourself. if the answer is no to all then just say to him 'ive been thinking-list what- 'so do 'we' have a problem because????? that way you know the issue is 1 sided.

If you just 'jumped in' and came out with the aquzation first then he could come back with 'your being a mum' (eg)so if you cover your ground first then hes limited to having to be straight with you?

what you think? (or is that to British and 'bad game old chap hahahahahaha)

Cute Steve. I bet you're feeling real cute right now. lol no they're all random. He was going to take me out to shoot pool once and he sent me a text the day before saying he got robbed at gun point the night before. Then he wouldn't see me for like two weeks because his son was sick. Once he said that he couldn't come see me because he was waiting on his ex to pick up the kid but she never showed. The problem is that I'd feel like a total bitch if I accused him of any of this and all of his excuses were actually true. Usually when he comes up with his excuses up, I just say ok maybe next time. Maybe the problem is that I don't seem all that into the relationship. Trouble is that I'm always distant in relationships because of how much trouble I've had in the past and he swore to me that he understood that and wouldn't force the issue. This past time he didn't show because he said he slipped in the shower and sprained his arm. But then he's going back to work the night after it happened. He's a security guard. You can't do your job as a security guard if you have a sprained arm so how could that be possible? You know what I'm saying?

(h)armless shower ummmmm new 1 on me , well sure sounds like you know where you are and where you stand in the relationship so 'its his call' so to say. question is how long are you prepared to wait/put up with or would it be best for both of you just to tell him straight how you feel and take it from there based on his reaction?

the metaphorical slap round the face? what you recon

I suppose you have a point that maybe I should be saying all of this to him. But even still, I think about doIng just that and I forget what I'm going to say or find some rationalization that if I say any of this to him he would totally blame himself and start calling himself a failure and then I'd feel even worse for contributing to somebody else feeling like I have for the majoriy of my life. You know what I'm saying? Damned if I do damned if I don't so to speak. I should be a master at dealing with these kinds of situations by now since I've been stuck in so many of them but somehow every one of them always ends up being new territory, you know what I mean?

Post edited by: Awna, at: 05/10/2012 07:20 AM

have you thought about/tried the 3rd party routine? 'he got robbed at gun point the night before'- funny you should say that, same thing happend to my friend (3rd party) so tell me what you did about it? to use an old UK expresion 'that will catch him with his pants down' the imediate look on his face of 'ow no what do i say now' will tell you if hes being honest. just stare into his eyes that will unnerve him, start to look away/around as if your not interested see if/ how his story changes to win your attention?

never let me down yet that 1, added to that IF its true your not causing any anamosity between yourselfs- think its worth a try?

Possibly. Unfortunately, he seems to have made the decision. he was supposed to meet me for breakfast and called off saying that he fell in the shower and sprained his arm and that he had just got home from the er. We rescheduled for that Sunday and I haven't heard from him since. That was three weeks ago. Everybody keeps telling me that I need to try and get a hold of him. But I learned long ago not to chase after guys. If they want me, they'll chase after me. I suppose that's kind of selfish. But after so long of chasing after people with nobody returning the favor, it's the only way I know how to deal with the situation.

sounds like hes done what you need to? move on, what you think, bigger better places and a world to see?

I'm not sure why anybody would advise you to contact somebody who hasnt contacted you for 3 weeks. That's sending a pretty clear (although whimpy) message I think that he is not interested. Im sorry that happend to you but I agree that you should look for a partner who wants to put as much into the relationship as you do...You deserve better .

Yeah I guess it is time to move on. I guess this whole experience will teach me to read too much into inner feelings. Despite that we had such a strong connection when we first met, he turned up as a guy instead of a man anyway. My problem is that he's the closest I've ever come to finding anybody who could be in a relationship with me. I guess I'm destined to grow old and die a lonely single still holding onto my beliefs, personal views, and morals huh? Thanks for the advice everybody. I've learned a lot from that guy despite what he did to me in the end.