Healthy Relationships Online Support Group

Really stumped. Although I look fine and can attract women the relationships never last. I just do not have the personality someone wants to be around for long periods of time. Fine in business settings but in personal relationships women run away once they get to know me. Relationships never progress past 3 dates. I have looked at it closely and there are many, many problems. Not just one or two things. I do not know what to do and feel it is hopeless. Some people are fat, some people are short, some people are this or that. I just happen to have an unpleasant or unattractive personality. Tough to deal with.

I am terrified of trying to meet someone and have a relationship because they never work. I have a really bad complex now and depression because of it.

Post edited by: spencer, at: 07/22/2010 01:41 PM

Wow, Spencer, you are really being hard on yourself right now. So things haven't worked out with women...we all go through the same thing. Why do you believe that you have an unpleasant or unattractive personality? I don't think your personality is necessary the culprit? Sometimes people just don't click. It happens to me a lot too, and for a long time I felt alone. You will find someone that you click with eventually! Don't blame yourself in the meantime, that accomplishes nothing. I know that things seem hopeless right now, but hang in there. You're trying to make yourself a better person. Focus on yourself and the women will come. Trust me on this.

Thank you. I've been going out with women lately that I don't really like but thought that if I lowered my standards I would have more success. It has not worked. I have not been happy. I have tried to like someone when inside I really did not. I want to be good enough to actually find someone I genuinely like and have her feel the same way. May be impossible at this age.

It's not impossible friend. Don't lower your standards - that's not the answer. Are you afraid to be alone? I know it can be lonely. But it's better to be lonely than be involved with a relationship that isn't what you want or that's right for you. Learn to feel confident in yourself. Blaming yourself is not going to solve anything. Just be yourself, and focus on just having fun! Someone will come along. When you focus on yourself, you'll be surprised the types of people that will attract. Good people.

I myself took a break from the whole dating scene last year for about six months. I didn't have sex or anything going on with anyone. It was a great period of time for me; I was able to really clear my head. Then I met my bf and we've been together nine months now. I'm glad I took that alone time. I needed it while I was going through my divorce. Being alone can be a good thing. You learn to get to know yourself and see what you really want. Don't settle for less anymore. You can't make yourself feel something that is not there. Try not to obsess yourself about it or you will just be sad. How do you go about meeting people that you are interested in dating?

I'm really terrified of dating. It's made me feel so bad about myself. All the effort, disappointment, rejection, and failure. It is killing me mentally and emotionally. My self-esteem and outlook for the future are terrible. Over 4 years of internet dating has made me almost suicidal.

4 years ago I wanted to try to have a relationship because I was starting to feel a little better about myself and a little optimistic and since I was not meeting anyone I thought I would give internet dating a try. I get a lot of response but out of over 100 women I would say I only had 3 dates where I was happy. So, in my usual way, I figure it is all my fault and I'm taking it out on myself.

Update since I first wrote this: I'm feeling better. I took some time and tried to think about the things I've learned here. Happy to say that I can think enough good things about myself to be happy. I would not have accomplished the things I have in life if there was something seriously wrong with my personality. You can't please everyone.

Post edited by: spencer, at: 07/24/2010 05:43 PM

I am sure glad you are feeling better. One thing that stands out to me is that you said you were not happy on the dates. I am a firm believer that happiness is a choice. You can choose to be happy or choose not to be happy in every situation. Why did you choose not to be happy on those dates? Also, you combined not liking someone with lowering your standards. I am not sure how those two go together. Are you lowering your standards in a physical attractness sort or a personality sort or a character sort?

Glad you are feeling better Spencer!

Maybe you should approach the date more as an opportunity to have fun?

Sometimes putting too many expectations on it can lead to stress and ruin things.

Just go out, relax and enjoy yourself.

Good luck, Spencer.

You will find the right person. Just don't give up.

Spencer, I'd take a break from dating. That's what I did, anyway. After my ex died I dated. I think I was trying to find my son a new father. But, you can't replace a father. The dating process wore me out. Somehow I refocused my attention on myself...developing myself, feeling happier. I started exploring things and figuring out what made me feel good/what spoke to me. 5 years later, I'm in school, pre-reqs for nursing, getting 4.0s, taking care of myself...investing in myself and my future and in myself now. It's paying off. My son is reaping the benefits of my growing confidence. And in turn, I'm learning from him.

What I learned is that when you feel worn out its because you're trying to maintain control. So, if you step back, release your hold on life, throw your hands in the air and let things shake themselves up so that the cards fall as they may, that's when you find your path.

And, maybe, that's when you find your partner. But, I don't know the answer to that, yet!

Oh, so, what I MEANT to say is that I agree with Spidey. This has nothing to do with your personality.