Kahlil Gibran

Quote From The Book, The Prophet

And a woman spoke, saying, "Tell us of Pain."

And he said:

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

* I liked the way this is written with reference to pain, though many of you may have read it, I thought I'd share.

Right now I am doing ok, after a particularly difficult two weeks. The emotion/physical pain that sometime goes with BP is SO AMAZING to me how in that moment I feel consumed by the wicked, of what I call, the Serpent fire...Dark ugly thoughts, fear, anxiety, and desperation. Thankfully with the support of online friends, counsel and my close friends, I am still alive, and breathing. This time I felt a little different because I realized what I was doing more quickly, and I began to walk instead of run through my pain. I referred to myself as chicken little in this frame of mind, and after I realized the sky was not falling (my world was not crumbling down) the argument I had with my sig other, I was at least 50% responsible for, but 100% responsible for my words, and my action. I believe that we are all where we are sometime good, sometime not so good, that we are having each experience for some more 'spiritual' reason, for a deeper understanding. I believe BP, and other MI are more deeply challenged by our, life lessons. For me, this experience was not as horribly traumatic as others, I realized how much I scare myself, when I act out of fear, I escalate. I know I can blame part of my irratic behavior on BP, however I am learning so much in reframing my old patterns, with counsel, and EMDR, my recovery is much quicker. When I say two weeks, it was more like a few days, I stayed quiet, and got myself into a place that I felt comforted through prayer, and my friends, realizing more often than not the enemy is, not who I am arguing with, it is my own imagined fear more than reality.

I know, we all KNOW pain, and I wanted to share a bit of my lesson. I believe the lesson in this experience of the weeks past is to learn to be truly humble. I DO NOT have to argue, just because someone else is expressing their distress. My job is to take care of me. I have the ability to walk away, and if I am in danger I am capable of getting help. This was something in the past, I thought I had to do alone, because 'no one' could understand. The no one were those around me at the time, didn't understand, how could they? I didn't understand. Thankfully over the years, I am learning to trust myself...and reach out to those, who absolutely understand this pain I speak of. Thank you all for your support. It's great to have a place to reach out online, get hugs, and comfort, in the wee hours.

So that's all I have to say...ahahhhha

I am still learning to understand, my much self inflicted pain, and learning to understand this illness with others that are determined to define ourselves as individuals, and not by a label. Ok, I'm done now.