I have had depressive episodes for as long as I can remember - starting in my teens. I was put on numerous antidepressants until I found one that seemed to work for me. I currently take 225 milligrams of Effexor a day and while my moods are more level and my anxiety is pretty much gone, I am starting to feel it's no longer working as effectively.

The reason I am here writing this is because I feel like my emotions are out of control. I am so unstable and it's starting to affect areas of my life that it never had before. At work, I am confrontational, spiteful, I get angry easily and I feel no one appreciates what I do. I also am very very particular and get angry if someone does not follow what I feel are the "way to do things". I have only worked there for about 4 months and I find myself telling coworkers who have been there years longer than me and my boss as well what I feel they do wrong. Why I am still there I have no idea.

My family thinks I am losing my mind. I won't go into too much detail, but I have done things in the recent past that have struck anger and shock where as I was always the "good daughter" or the shy and introverted one. I have done very irresponsible things that I lie to them about - I feel like I lie to everyone daily to avoid being criticized or looked down upon. And what I lie about ranges from huge issues to small and insignificant things.

I am in a relationship with a man who lives out of state. He comes to visit me when he can and we plan on moving in together soon (he'll move here). I love him more than any other man I've ever been with and I truly believe he is my "soul mate" if such things exist. However, because I feel so safe with him, I find that he receives the brunt of my extreme emotions. I get so angry with him over insignificant things - like if he goes out with a friend and is not available to me to talk to over the phone, I feel like he has, literally, abandoned me and I feel such hurt and rage. I then break up with him when we talk again. This is a scenerio that has been repeated so many times between us (I either worship him, or hate him - no in between).

Tonight, he called me about 4 times and I avoided his call. I feel empty often and I talk to no one who may happen to call me on the phone. When I did pick up the phone, he spent about an hour telling me he loved me and asking me what was wrong. I felt nothing. I had nothing to say to him. I love this man so much, but I push him away and feel nothing while doing so. I do this with family and friends as well. I have also been promiscuous and slept with other men when he is not here with me.

I have sought counceling recently. My most recent visit with a psychotherapist ended abruptly. She cancelled 2 appointments after our first session and I gave up on her. She disappointed me so I decided not to bother.

I often think of suicide, though I am not activly planning on it. It's more of a comfort. I feel like no matter how bad things get, I can always escape it all. This makes me feel better, believe it or not.

I don't want to feel this way anymore. I see happy, level headed people and I feel so jealous. I wish I could be happy and content. I am full of so much self hatred, shame, fear, and anger. I fell like I can't explain how I feel to anyone because they will either not understand, or tell me to grow up - it could be worse.

I hope someone reads this and has been through similar feelings and can tell me what to do and what is wrong with me. I feel like my emotions have full control of my body whether it be sadness, anger, excitement, or emptiness. I feel only those emotions and there is no peaceful medium.

My father was bi polar 1 and my paternal aunt has been diagnosed with parinoid schizophrenia. Depression runs in my fathers side of the family.

I appreciate any responses.

Thanks for listening.