Gay and Lesbian Online Support Group

Hello, My name is Kim, and I'm 41 have and been married since I was 19.Over the last 5 years I have really started feeling an attraction to women. I don't understand how I can be straight for 35 so years, then not. I mean I'm not ashamed of how I feel, It just doesnt make any sense.

These feelings are making it hard to focus on repairing my marraige,which has been rocky off and on for years., At times I cringe when my husbands touches me and he gets really upset. I told him of my attraction to women,he was ok with it,thinks it hot,but expects me to feel the same for him. I care for my husband, but I find myself looking her amoungst the crowd, her being a female I could spend my life with.I just really feel like there is something or someone missing in my life.

Has anyone else experienced these feelings so late in life.

Hello Westlake123 and welcome to the group. This is a tough situation you are in. I am wondering if you are able to fix your marriage if you have thoughts of being with a woman and you cringe at times when he touches you. I can understand trying to fix a relationship you have been in for so long but my question is, Is it really possible? You cant help the way you feel. I myself didnt experience my feelings until I was 25. I actually used to be homophobic believe it or not haha It was a straight guy friend of mine that opened up my eyes and helped me see things in a different way. I'm not sure what else to say at the time.. If you need anything or just want to chat, feel free to message me anytime

Hi Westlake123,

I know where coming from, I was married just over 25 years before I discovered that I am Bi. I’m still married (30 plus years) and I'm still Bi. Also my wife knows that I’m Bi, we both found-out at the same time. We have been having a relationship with the same guy that led us to our discovery for about the last 15 years. I haven’t had any feelings of wanting to explore other men yet, but I know that someday that urge will come.

If you would like to communicate send me a message.

Hi! That is tough, a hard rock and a hard place. I would like to caution you. Before you explore sexual feelings and physical attraction for the same sex, consider looking into yourself and get to know yourself better or again. People do change with time but your answer to who you are is something you need to be sure of 100%. Some questions to think about are: 1. Did you ignore your lesbian feelings/tendencies in the past (and why did you do that?) or do you have emotional/psychological/physical connections in your relationship with your husband? If your needs and wants are not met, maybe that's the reason you are looking. Would working on your marriage be better for you or should you just call it good and cut your losses? 2. Is this a fleeting experimentation phase or is it who you are. If you want a mature and committed relationship in the future, nobody wants to be a pet experiment. 3. Could you be bisexual? 4. Have you always cringed when you're with men? Or just with your husband? Do you still have attractions to men? 5. Do you have children? That complicates the situation. But if you tell them the truth with age-appropriate information, your kids should be fine. Be prepared that they might not warm up at once to the fact that you're a lesbian though. Hopefully, this is only just at first.

6. There is nothing wrong with being GLBT or straight. Being who you are and comfortable in your own skin, gay or straight, is what's important. And when you know who you are 100%, are you ready to become you all the time despite of what other people may say or unforseen retributions? Be warned, if you are you, you will find peace and happiness. Not exactly a bad thing. Post edited by: AsianGoddess, at: 05/14/2012 09:21 AM Post edited by: AsianGoddess, at: 05/14/2012 09:22 AM

Post edited by: AsianGoddess, at: 05/14/2012 09:23 AM

I'm sorry, I could not edit my first post, and it's driving me nuts!

Here are my corrections:

1. Did you ignore your lesbian feelings/tendencies in the past (and why did you do that?) or do you have problems making an emotional/psychological/physical connections in your relationship with your husband? If your needs and wants are not met, maybe that's the reason you are looking. Would working on your marriage be better for you or should you just call it good and cut your losses?

2. Is this a fleeting experimentation phase or is it who you are? If you want a mature and committed relationship in the future, nobody wants to be a pet experiment.

Good luck! There you go!

Well, I don't remember having feelings when I was younger towards women. This is my second marriage and I recall not wanting to be touched at times by him either. I was molested as a child by my friends father, dont know if that has anything to do with it. I have been doing a lot of self meditation and Reiki and thinki what I'm feeling is real. I do have 4 kids, 2 still at home. Is my marriage happy, I'd say 50 50 now,which is an improvemet.I really think I know what it is I want, it's the marriage part that is casuing the problem. A lot of people will be hurt .

I hope you resolve this within yourself. Take your time, take as long to meditate and reflect. Have you considered counseling in the past? I've never been sexually molested or anything like that, but I have had inappropriate experiences. (Not because I asked for it or anything. God knows, I seemed to be asexual for a long time!) But that did cause me to look negatively at men in general. And as weird as it may seem, I watch a lot of movies, and media messages about men did a number on me too. My view of the opposite sex was extremely limited, I blame all of them for the actions of one person. And coming from a male chauvinist, male-dominated and male-oriented Asian culture, ( full of hypocrisy, unrealistic expectations on women and double-standards), that just turned me off even more. I mean I used to describe the way men treated women like they do urinals, they pee and they get the hell out of there after they are done. And certainly they are all promiscuous and whores, I don't know where they've been, what they might have. I thought men were dirty and why would I even want to shake his hand, God knows where that hand has been? I definitely had very twisted views, had some developing fears, delusions, distorted thinking and a lot of negative stereo-type ideas/beliefs.

This was one of the things I worked on in counseling. I am still wary/guarded with men but I at least, talk to them now, interact with them, be-friend them. I have no problem going out to a bar and chatting with guys (usually gay men since I don't usually go to straight bars). And after becoming older and hopefully wiser, I've grown wary/guarded with women too. You think men are crazy, women can be crazy and psychotic! And I've realized that I was not exactly holy and always moral either. I think maybe my views of men in the past was projection from my life as well. And instead of dealing with my conscience and moral fiber, I just chose to attack innocent men who could be nice and wonderful people if i just give them a fair chance and put more effort in getting to know them as a person.

It's not like I'm running to make friends with guys or anything, but I try to treat them with courtesy/respect, compassion and dignity that all human beings deserve. I still have a lot of issues though but I'm still working on them. Good luck and wish me luck as well!

Post edited by: AsianGoddess, at: 05/15/2012 10:56 AM

Post edited by: AsianGoddess, at: 05/15/2012 10:59 AM

Hello,

I can understand where your coming from in a way. I am very uncomfortable around men of the race that abused me, I don't want to be, but I'm always watchfull. Well actually around all men if I'm by myself. Although one of my best friends is male, but also gay, but love him to death. I'm always watchfull to try and not put myself in any situations where I could be hurt.Its funny how one person can cause us to generalize that all men are harmful. I too grew up in a house where my step dad had all control and If you folded the clothes wrong or put away a dirty dish you got a whipping. I've come a long way, I have had counsling, I honestly think the only reason I'm ok with what I'm feeling is the Reiki. I guess I just dont want to hurn anyone in the process of becoming who I really am. I guess it just took me longer to figuer it out. Anyway thanks for all your thoughts and good luck to you as well. Always available to listen.

I guess what helped me in my journey is I had to be sure about who I am. I guess that's part of the Aspergers, and the tendency to be anxious, over-think, and over-analyze. I had to know for myself. Am I a lesbian because I don't like men or have negative views/perceptions that may be false statements or exaggerations in my mind? And if I don't like men, I don't stop being a sexual being, is that the reason I have these sexual feelings for women? Anyway, once I worked through all those hang-ups and issues (and I'm still working on a few still), I got to know myself better and learned to be honest and truthful with myself. And the more honest I became with myself, the more honest I became with other people and the more myself I became too.

Post edited by: AsianGoddess, at: 05/16/2012 08:53 AM