New to this group 4 years Post Op

It's funny the stuff you remember from childhood. I was lucky to have a Mom that always hugged me when I came home crying. She would ask what happened and I would cry and sob and she would tell me not to listen to the mean stuff the kids said to me. How do you not listen? It stabs you like a knife in the heart each time someone else says something cruel. I was fat and nobody else in my family was. How is that possible? My Mom would search for answers to that question from doctors and nutritionists and anyone else who would listen. How do you tell a Mother that you don't know the answer to her questions. Instead of being honest with her I would later go on countless diets.

I don't really remember the early diets. I know there were more than a few, because my Mom and I have discussed it. When I was in ninth grade, I think I was fourteen, I remember going on the worst diet of my life...Medifast was an all liquid diet. You had to drink 5 shakes a day, they were thick like pudding but they tasted nothing like chocolate or pudding or anything you would want to eat 5 times a day!! How do you explain to your friends how come you can't eat lunch with them? You don't want to be anymore different than you already are. I must of broke out in tears everyday that I was on that diet, because I didn't want to be on another diet nor did I want to be fat, or different. How do you explain to your mom that you don't want to go on any other diets, because she doesn't understand being fat and you don't understand how much it hurts her for you to be hurting. I was ANGRY and I was more angry that my Mom would do this to me. It wouldn't be until much later that I would understand that she was hurting as much as I was.

When do you decide to stop dieting because NOTHING is working. I've tried everything from Phen-Fen to behavior modification to exercise. I've starved myself for days and I've tried throwing up (disgusting) and it doesn't work. Nothing has worked. My family never understood that diets just didn't work for me. My Grandmother left off where my Mom did when I moved in with her in High School. I know she did it because she worried about my health and the quality of life I would lead as a Morbidly Obese adult. (Ew I have never ever said that out loud about myself, not to say that I didn't know I was Morbidly Obese. I just choose not to use those exact words.) I would roller skate every weekend and I know that I got money for that, because everyone was happy that I was active. I was always active. I played sports in junior high and part of high school. I was never home in high school, but I never managed to lose any weight either.

I have worked since I got out of high school, and I have had quite a few jobs. I think that I have been lucky to get some of the jobs that I received, but I also think that I have been passed over for quite a few jobs, because of my size. I've always worked hard, and I have loved a lot of my jobs!! A few years ago I applied for a job working in Optics. I went to work retailing eye glasses. I loved my job. I loved my boss and I loved the people that I worked with. We were a strong team and we always pulled together if we had a problem. In November of 2000 I started to get really sick. I ended up in the Emergency room more than a few times always hearing that I needed to lose weight. Finally on ER doctor told me that I needed to see a Gastroenterologist. A Gastroenterologist ?!?!?!? I didn't even know what that was, but he wrote out a referral and I went to see the Gastroenterologist . He was kind of a scary man, not a great bedside manner at all!! I'm not easily intimidated but this man did intimidate me. I'm not sure if it was his abrupt manner or his tone. Anyway he sent me for a lot of tests and decided that my gallbladder wasn't working (which is a side effect of being heavy). This doctor then referred me to a surgeon. I LOVED my surgeon. To this day I think he is probably the best doctor I have ever seen. He walked in with a warm smile and a gentle touch and the first word out of his mouth wasn't how heavy I was, but how could he make me feel better!! I showed him the referral and he did some poking and prodding and decided that my gallbladder probably wasn't working. We talked about my options and he told me about Gastric bypass surgery. I was very interested in his opinion and he was always very honest with me. We decided rather than taking out my gallbladder right away, he would refer me to some surgeons in Salt Lake City that did Gastric bypass in hopes that they would do both surgeries at the same time.

Waiting, waiting, and more waiting...it's a never ending battle when you have to deal with insurance companies. And mine was definitely no different than anyone else's insurance company. Before the insurance came back with their decision to pay for Gastric bypass, I ended up in the ER again. The doctor in the ER told me that my gallbladder wasn't going to last much longer, and he informed me that I needed to call my Surgeon the next morning. He gave me a shot, and out he went. My best friends had to get me dressed, because whatever he gave me made me feel REALLY GOOOOOD!!! I called my Surgeon the next day and he said that we just couldn't wait any longer. I wanted to cry. I knew that if my gallbladder came out before I was able to have Gastric my chances were very slim that insurance would agree to pay for Gastric alone. The following day I was in the hospital having my gallbladder taken out. Thank God I loved my Surgeon. The nurses were so mean to me, I was stabbed more than a few times while they tried to find a good vein for an IV. I thought that my Grandmother was going to come unglued, and I was ready to cry. But finally I did have surgery and everything came out fine.

My gallbladder removal was preformed laproscopically and everything went well, but I still wasn't feeling well. I couldn't eat anything without having to run to the bathroom, and I had the worst acid reflux. I didn't even know what heart burn was until I had gallbladder surgery, and you definitely don't feel to well after you get the denial letter from the insurance company stating that they have a contract exclusion that prevents you from having Gastric Bypass surgery. I complained, and I cried, and I would go to the doctor, because my tummy still wasn't feeling right. I noticed a small lump on the left side of my abdomen, it was hard, and it hurt, and I thought I was for sure dying. I called my Surgeon and he was great about getting me in right away. He checked it out and decided that it could possibly be a hernia and that it needed to be fixed right away. So two months after I have gallbladder surgery I am having what I thought was going to be hernia surgery. It turns out that it was a lipoma, which is like a fatty tumor under your skin. The only thing that I heard was TUMOR. I was so glad that the Surgeon found that tumor, because it could have been cancer or something. In all honesty a fatty tumor is nothing to worry about in most cases. In my case, they do cause me pain which is unusual. But it is better to be safe than sorry.

I still can't eat anything and I have been trying to lose weight, but nothing is working. I'm going to the gym at 5 a.m. and I'm riding the bike for 20 minutes walking on the treadmill for 15 minutes and doing some toning for the rest of the time I'm at the gym and then I'm sick again. The acid reflux is so bad that my regular doctor decides to put me on a list of acid reducers. I've taken so many that I can only remember a few of the names...Prilosec, Nexium, Protonix, Acid Phex, and the list goes on. Nothing works, she tries combinations of several pills and finally I just stop taking everything. I'm not great about taking pills especially when they aren't working. I started self medicating myself with stuff from the grocery store like Tagament, and Pepcid and I honestly think that they worked better than anything that I was prescribed.

In the midst of my health going down hill the eyeglass store I'm working in closes shop. I now have no insurance and I can't afford to take out the Cobra insurance they offered. My life was in a downward spiral and I saw nothing to hold on to. My parents were in Arkansas and I was so depressed. My store closed my Dad wasn't here to take me to the races and my Mom wasn't here to hug me and listen to my sob stories and I still wasn't feeling well.

When my Mom came home to visit I was so relieved to have someone to confide in about not feeling well. Sometimes you don't want to tell people you still aren't feeling well, because you aren't sure how they are going to react. Maybe part of me not feeling well was my depression, or my weight, or the insurance denying me the chance to have a healthy life. I don't even know, but I was very glad to go on a road trip with my Mom back to Arkansas to see my Dad. Sometimes I think my parents are super hero's even if they don't know that. I mean they do have their moments, but all parents have their moments. They have always been there for me when I needed them most, without judgment, and no matter what it was I needed. I will forever be indebted to them for that.

A year after my gallbladder surgery I noticed another lump on the right side of my abdomen. This lump was different from the other lump that I had. It grows, and it hurts, and it puts pressure on my lung. I tried to explain that to my regular doctor and she thought I had lost my mind. She kept prescribing stuff for my Reflux and telling me that the lump was nothing to worry about. In a years time she did nothing to check the lump other than feel it. She never did order any tests.

I have a hard time putting pain into words. "Is it a stabbing pain, or a shooting pain, a dull pain, or a sharp pain?" Who fricken cares, it hurts and I want you to do something about it. I finally decided to go to a different town and get a second opinion. Right away I liked the doctor, she wasn't skinny, so maybe she could understand a fat girls pain. She checked out the lump and she was very matter-a-fact about the lump. She said she wasn't exactly sure what it was, but she was going to send me to have an ultra sound. The ultra sound showed a hernia, quite large according the ultra sound. When she got the results back she sent me to another Surgeon.

The new Surgeon is about 5'10 and weighs about 125 soaking weight. The reason I put his stats is because he doesn't understand the struggles of a fat woman at all. Don't get me wrong he is very nice, but he doesn't understand that being fat isn't a choice. Why would I chose an unhealthy life if I had a choice. Let's face it I'm fat I have a mirror, and nobody has to tell me that every time I walk in their office...THANK YOU I already know!! Anyway back to my lump...he checks out the lump sight and he checks out the results from the Ultra Sound and decides that I have to have surgery. Another surgery, I'm jumping for joy. Not!! Do I really have a choice, not really. I was hoping that this surgery would give me the relief that I needed to feel better. Have you ever decided to have surgery and not have any insurance. Holy Lord what a mess! The Surgeon is not doing anything if you can't guarantee that he is going to get paid. The financial office at the hospital made me fill out a bunch of paperwork for the County Commissioners, because I had applied for Social Security and a decision for Social Security hadn't been reached I had to have a back up plan that's the reason for the paperwork for the Commissioners. No matter what the Surgeon and the Hospital were going to get their money from someone and they didn't really care who it came from as long as it came.

In August of last year the Surgeon did the operation to repair my "hernia". The only thing I knew when I came out of surgery is that I wanted to see my Dad and I was going to throw up. It would be a few hours after surgery before anyone would tell me that they didn't fix my lump. Basically, from everything I've learned in the last year, whatever the lump is, it's to high to fix laproscopically. The Surgeon basically went in and took a bunch of pictures and between he and the hospital I am now in debt to the County Commissioners for ten thousand dollars for nothing. Every month when I pay that bill I think about the fact that nobody has fixed me, and how much it hurts not only physically, but mentally as well. I'm so tired of not feeling well, and not being able to eat anything without getting sick. I'm tired of not being able to keep up with my niece or my friends or do things that I want to do because I'm FAT!!

Sooner or later you have to take some control back into your life and figure out what you are going to do. I had to do this, because I want to feel better and I want to live a healthier life without the risk of early death or the fear of early death. I have applied for every kind of assistance you can imagine. First I thought I should apply for Medicaid, because they are a government agency created for the purpose of funding medical coverage for those who don't have medical coverage. WRONG, I was told that if I wanted to have a baby they would be more than happy to help me, but because I wasn't pregnant and didn't want to get pregnant they couldn't help me. As I mentioned before I have applied for Social Security, because at my size it is getting harder and harder to accomplish my daily activities and I need some medical help to pay for Gastric Bypass so I can again be a productive member of society. Have you ever kept working and applied for government assistance? DON'T, because it doesn't work. I have been through two denials with Social Security, basically because I chose to still work, I'm not looking for a hand out. I just want some help with medical problems that I can't afford to pay for on my own. I'm still in the appeals process with Social Security, and someone said I should apply for Vocational Rehabilitation, so I did. Again I met nothing but resistance. The Voc Rehab counselor I received didn't care about helping me at all. I went to all my doctors appointments and I told the truth, but again because I'm not willing to sit on my FAT ass at home they won't help me either, because all of my problems could be taken care of with surgery. My question is this...WHO is going to pay for the surgeries that I need since they won't help me either?

I've again been in and out of the ER with problems and I've also been back and forth to the doctors office and the Surgeon's office. This year the Surgeon informed me that if I didn't do something about my weight I was going to die. He said it just that matter of factly. WHAT?!?!?!? I'm going to die??? Desperate times call for Desperate measures. I was ready to do anything to be healthy. I started researching insurance companies. Have you ever tried to get insurance after having 3 surgeries?? I can't afford insurance and all of my problems are considered pre existing. Talk about taking it where the sun doesn't shine!! Still that lingering thought is in the back of my mind about dying. I don't want to die!! Let me say that again I Don't Want to Die!! I'm sure that he didn't mean that I would die tomorrow or the next day, but when you tell someone with anxiety that they are going to die that's it. You're dead.

I started researching everything I could find on Gastric bypass. I read a book called "Weight Loss Surgery: Finding the Thin Person Hiding Inside You" by Barbra Thompson. I looked up internet sites that she suggested. It was there I found what I had been looking for: answers to all of my questions. I found a site called Obesityhelp.com and I found more people like me. You always know that you aren't alone in the world, but sometimes you feel like you are. The people on this site were so willing to answer my questions and offer other solutions to my problems. One of the solutions was to go out of the country for surgery, because other countries are not as expensive for Gastric Bypass. That is how I discovered that I could go to many other countries for surgery,and pay half as much as I would pay in the U.S. It's scary when you think about leaving the securities you're used to especially to have surgery. I would research this decision for months before I made a final decision.

I not only researched, but I also went to see Surgeon's who perform Gastric Bypass. I liked both the Surgeon's that I saw in Boise, but unfortunately something was pulling me somewhere else. These Surgeons had both been doing the surgery for a while, but in my research on the net I found a doctor in Mexico that has been doing this surgery with a few variations since 1988. That was a lot more experience than either of the doctors that I saw in Boise. I emailed him and asked if he could send me information on his surgery and his fee's and anything else I would want to know. He emailed back in less than 24 hours with a web site and told me that if I had any questions I could call him at his office or call him on his cell phone. Did I read that right? Cell phone?? NO where in the U.S. would you find a doctor or Surgeon giving you his cell phone number just to ask questions. I emailed him at least every other day asking more questions and then I started talking to his daughter. Rosella is Dr. Aguirre's assistant. She emailed back and forth with me telling me about the hospital and the town of Ensenada, and anything else that I wanted to know. I made a friend just researching the surgery that I needed so much.

I didn't just research Dr. Aguirre, I researched his patients, and the complication percentage, and anything I could find. I read profiles of a hundred people who have seen Dr. Aguirre in just the last year and a half. I emailed them and asked about their experience and if they would do the surgery over again in Mexico with Dr. Aguirre. Everything I received was very positive!! No one has had anything negative to say about him. I have heard that the nurses don't speak a lot of English, but you are in Mexico...why should they speak English...I should speak Spanish since I'm in their country. Right? Anyway, I thought about the doctors I saw in Boise, and I thought about going out of the country and I thought about every aspect that I could imagine. Still something is pulling me to Mexico to see Dr. Aguirre. I'm not sure I can really explain why, besides gut feeling, but maybe something stronger is telling me that I need him to do this surgery, because he is so much cheaper and he is so much more skilled.

To make this already long story end...I went to Mexico had a great time with my Mom and had surgery! Many people still ask me if I would do it again and I would in a minute!! It's changed my life in every aspect.

Six months after surgery, I met my future husband. We dated for 7 months got married and now we have two children. My son is 19 months old and awesome! My daughter is a month old and our princess.

I can't say that everything has been peachy! I've gone through so much to get to where I am today. I've suffered through many complications, I've struggled with infertility and losing babies. I still struggle with weight! I've lost more than half of myself, but it's still a fight! It's not easy and I don't think that it will ever be easy. At 4 years out I still struggle with stuff I can eat that won't make me sick. Anyway I could talk forever (which I probably already have). If you have any questions or want to know more please feel free to email me!

Nice to meet you.