Thanks jaime from Virginia Beach.

I believe that at some point we have to ask ourselves, is this person encouraging, empathetic and supportive of me? If not, then perhaps it is time to choose to empower and take care of ourselves, even if it involves severing a difficult relationship. Your physical and mental health depends on it, and your children will probably experience less stress and worry as well. It must be hard on them to see you suffering in that relationship. I speak from personal experience. I had to make the difficult choice to leave a controlling, mean,emotionally and verbally abusive husband when my kids were only 4 and 6, 7 yrs. ago. Turned out he was diagnosed bi-polar after our divorce, but refused to get help when he was with me. It wasn't easy, but it turned out to be the best thing for both of us. Life is much less stressful today and I can focus on taking care of myself and my health and on being a good parent. I will keep you in my prayers my dear. I am sorry for the loss of your father, and you take all of the time to grieve that you need to. Stuffing feelings only leads to more stress and pain. I hope you are talking to your doctors about what is going on, maybe you need to have your meds changed or adjusted to deal with the pain. We are all here for you any time you need to vent.

Post edited by: hipmama42, at: 02/01/2008 14:12

Sherry

Terri

I'm so sorry you are going through this! My husband and I had stress too - maybe I can offer some help. I think you need to make an arrangement to remove yourself temporarily (car ride, etc.) from anything that remotely feels abusive -more so when you are hurting already! Also - can a chiropracter help? I have one ruptured disk and mine is manageable with occasional chiro care but I went often at first.

What your husband is doing is disrespectful to you, and you need to deal with it - but do it on your terms too. Based on this it is hard to picture your husband being at all a supportive friend and ally, but people do terrible things sometimes and hopefullly this is not the "him" you can expect. I have learned from my husband who is the peace-maker of his whole workplace; he re-establishes contact first even though the other person was wrong. After all, you have nothing to lose since you are already losing big time when a marriage goes sour. Despite your pain, I would tell your husband you are hurt and need to talk about what he said; maybe have a friend with you; note any apology, and you don't have to feel better yet but it may help later; ask him to state what he really thinks the problems are, and write it down even if he is unfair - just to keep it straight as it is so unbelievably stressful it is easy to get lost in it! You may find, as I did, that he really needs you. Some reactions were not intended for me at all but actually he was angry at HIMSELF! I had taken some body language to heart too even when nothing weas said. I think a church group would have been a lot of support - although I didn't attend any group at this time; but if you can afford to go to a counselor, really find a good one. If you can't - please still go! You could make an arrangement since most have a sliding fee. Your notes will probably help because you are paying by the hour, and it's hard to state these problems. Physical illness does place a major stress on a relationship - it will be a stress on him. In the end he may become a good partner to you, & you may be far better off than trying to go it alone with all you have AND the major stress of divorce! Plus there is some issue he needs help to deal with. I knew my husband was a geat guy and some of his reactions just did not fit. I learned that work became horrendously stressful and unfair right at the time I was extra needy..and he really needed to talk to me but I was a terrible listener - so that was my part of the problem even though I had lots of health problems right then. He typically was supportive and also a good listener - but seeing me with health problems was raising unresolved issues for him too because an abusive parent had been like that. Counseling did help both of us even though it seemed so terribly expensive! The hardest task was to give unconditionally whether or not we were getting back what we needed. I think it felt difficult for over a year, but in our case it worked and we both relax in this wonderful marriage. My husband even has new interests - many due to my journey to try for better health. He looks at me with love and gladness as a respected partner and the one he wants to share life with -and I sometimes can hardly believe it was ever so difficult for two "nice" people who care about each other so much! I hope for a good result for you. Divorce is not painless, and men make lousy saviors (as a comedian recently said). They can make wonderful partners though. An affair would only be novacaine to the heart whereas you do not know what the future can hold at this point - no sense burning bridges! There is not going to be a quick, easy answer. I'm sorry that it is so tough. You may salvage this marriage or "reinvent" it to a new, better level - and then you'll be at a better place in your life!

Post edited by: NaturalGirl, at: 02/02/2008 11:46

Post edited by: NaturalGirl, at: 02/02/2008 11:48

Thank-you for your reply. You gave some really good down to earth suggestions. My husband won't go to therapy,our money situation is so screwed up. Mostly because I can't work, my medical bills take a lot of money too and don't forget that going to a bar every day cost a lot of money! He hardly gives me any money and as far as a car I pretty much gave my jeep to my son to use during the fay and he is very active in after school activities. I have to make all appointment after 3:00 or later if possible. I'm pretty much stunk in the house, with my computer-I am trying to organize a support group so that takes up a lot of time.

My husband is going through a lot of stress at work, he feels he is about to get fired and they treat him horribly. He is worried that he won't find a job that will pay him as much money. I really wish I could work so I could help out,but also have my own money and independence.WHen my husband is drunk he doesn't realize how mean he is, he accuses me of over medicating, and being crazy, which the kids hear so they have no respect for me, and they just think I'm crazy and on drugs, when most of the whackiness comes from fibro-fog when I really have no control what I'm doing, and I've done some pretty stupid things. Having lost control of myself, although some of the things my husband says I think he makes up to use against me,but instead of useing it against me maybe he could see how really sick I am and help me and support me. It is a lonely place I find myself in and losing my Dad 6 months ago doesn't help things either, although he hated hearing bad things as far as what was going on in his kids life (there are 4 of us)he would listen and give advise- he was always there for us, always could make us laugh and see the funny part of the problem. He was the cement of the family, but he taught us enough that we will continue to be close, but its not the same. Stuart doesn't understand my grieving which is surprising since he lost his mom 13 yrs ago to breast cancer, but she suffered for a long time and was so sick, my Dad died suddenly and was healthy till his last breath. We still don't know why he died, he died in Israel where they don't do altopsy,They have ritual ways of burial for their people and cutting of the body is not permitted, so we will never know what caused his death, although the guy from the furnral home said my Dad had blood in his eyes which leaves as to believe it was as stroke both of his parents died of strokes-so either that or an anurism (excuse spelling)! But what ever it is it is a terrible lose and it didn't help my depression or my fibromyalgia- it just made everything worse including the fatigue-all I want to do is sleep all day to forget my situation and the more I stay in bed the less energy I have, plus it doesn't help my stiffness or pain.

Well thank-you again for posting, write anytime, you seem to have your head screwed on right!

jaime from Virginia Beach Va. [img]