Stephany
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I have been so absolutely gol-darn miserable for the last two weeks I just can't stand it any more. I've got to talk with someone who understands what I'm going through. I've lurked on these boards in the past, but never had the nerve to join. Now is that time. I'm 57 and I've been an RN for 30 years. Until two years ago I was the Risk Manager at my small hospital and the CEO and COO where asking me how I would like to become assistant hospital administer. I was very, very interested, not just for the money but because all my working life I've leapt at new challenges that use skills I've worked hard to achieve. I always wondered, "Can I do that?" The answer is usually yes, even when it scares me a bit. The pain started in January 2006 in my right hand and went all the way to the shoulder. I hadn't injured myself so thought it was probably from computer related work. So, being the risk manager, I filled out an accident report stating it was probably related to repetitive movement. My boss, the CEO, was appalled and asked what she could do. The next thing I know I have a new desk, new computer, new roller mouse, new super duper chair that can do anything, and new lighting. I'm not exaggerating, they said they would do anything do make me comfortable. I started using support gloves, wrist support, heating pad working up to heating blanket wrapped around me with a special scarf at the neck. X-rays were negative so my doc gave me steroid shots, which helped a lot...at first. Then lortab, then percocet. My right hand swelled up something awful so they ran blood work and I was positive for rheumatoid arthritis. I got so bad I was hospitalized for pain management and "definitive treatment". I lost 2 weeks of work and when I returned, still wrapped up in the heating blanket, I was barely able to work 6 hours a day, then 4 hours a day. My boss told me to work when I could, any time of the day or night. By August I could barely work at all. I'd get to the office and when I went through the office mail and e-mail and figured out what project I was working on, I was crying and it was time to go home. I told them I could not continue to work like this and recommended they find someone else for the job. I was asked to stay on as an employee at my same wage and help out whenever I could. So I tried. A few hours here and there. Finally in March 2007 I couldn't even put in 2 hours, that was it. I changed personal docs because my doc who I'd been seeing for 15 years gave me a truly disgusted look one day in the office when I just broke down and sobbed. I needed support and help, not a doc who I knew now found me a nuisance. I now have a new personal doc. I have had a psychiatrist for 10 years ever since diagnosed as Bipolar type II. I have a rheumatologist, an orthopedist, a urologist, an ENT doc, and a pain specialist. I'm on Cymbalta 120mg, Trazadone 225mg, Lamictal 100mg, Oxycontin 40 mg twice a day, Percocet as needed, Prilosec, Lipitor, Tricor, Synthroid, Prosed DS, plus other numerous meds as needed for this and that. I have fibromyalgia, sleep apnea, bipolar II, irritable bowel syndrome, GERD, peptic ulcer disease, coronary artery disease, high cholesterol and triglycerides, degenerative disc disease in neck and low back, early osteoarthris, and maybe rheumatoid arthritis in remission. Each day I usually hurt all over but usually something hurts more than something else. It changes every day or every few days. The pain level, even on the pain meds, ranges from 3 to 10 on a scale of 1=barely any pain and 10=screaming and crying. There is never a day without pain. The last two weeks I have been living almost every minute from a level of 7-10. Recently its been so bad the soles of my feet, my toes, and even my scalp hurts. My pain specialist has helped the most. I've had 2 cervical epidurals because the neck pain can be so severe I can't even turn my neck. The degenerative cervical discs makes it so much worse. I wear a CPAP (continuous positive pressure airway) device at night so I don't stop breathing, even with the stupid thing I can barely sleep because of the pain. Even buying a new temporpedic bed only helped some. I get insomnia sometimes even when I'm so tired I can't think. And trying to think or remember anything when the fibro fog hits, much less the pain meds, has made me an idiot! Then the guilt and fear and humiliation because I can't work. I so loved my job! The hospital was a second home for 17 years. I'm now basically an isolated hermit, except for my husband. I know excercise is so very important and I keep reading how much it will eventually help, but my God, the pain is usually worse after even the most mild excercise. The water classes for old ladies with arthritis did help, I'll admit that. But I haven't been able to bring myself to go for months. I've gained almost 20 pounds. I'm always hungry! Why is that? I used to be a somewhat attractive, bright fun woman to be around. Now I'm way overweight and so unattractive I can't even look at myself in the mirror. Yes, I know this is the depression associated with all this stuff, but it is still true. I've been married almost 18 years and my husband still loves me no matter what I look like. But, the me in the mirror is not the me inside. I pray a lot, believe me. In August 2007 I applied for social security disability...so humiliating. Within 5 months it was approved. Everyone, all my docs and everyone, said nobody with fibro gets approved on the first application. I'm so lucky to be the exception (said sarcastically). I'd much rather be abled than disabled. Oh! What a relief to get that all out. Thanks for listening. |
"MDJunction to me has been the helping friends of understanding that I have needed. I feel now as if someone else it the world understands the things that I am going through. I feel less alone and happier. Here I can let out all my emotions and get support from many people who have been in similar situations. It really has been a life saver for me!" (Amanda78)
