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ruby0131
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 I am having a really hard time moving forward from something that happened to me yesterday and I don't know where else to turn I turned 30 today, I went to lunch with my mom and dad, daughter(9) and hubby yesterday, all was fine(despite difficult history w/mom) until we got to their place. I am having a very , very bad flare, causing some saddness, trying to figure out with hubby how to put food on the table and juggle 2 garnishments while being told by doc that I won't ever work again unless Lyrica is my miracle drug. We were getting a long ok, and I was expressing how much I wish I could get a job, go back to work and help my husband with the bills and help support our daughter and my mother popped off and said "I might believe you if I had seen you make an effort in the last 10 years to get a job" It felt like I'd been hit by a train. Now I have worked as a nanny twice, applied for several different daycare positions, adn even owned my own bead shop for a year, all positions ended due to medical reasons, and on top of that I have had at least 2 surgeries every year since I have been married , 10 years. So after my mom's first blow for witch I felt I needed to defend myself she proceeded to tell me what a $%^& I have always been , how nothing is different and if I am not a %^&* up then why do I see doctors and have surgery and I reminded her that as a teenager I had abuse and rape I was dealing with, with no support from her and her response was I if I had not gone for a walk and stayed home like I was supposed to and not broken the rule I wouldn't have "supposedly" her word, been raped, and also told me that I was a bad mom because I expressed that I was proud of my daughter because of report card day and how I took all the credit for it, this woman who tried to kill me when I was 17 by choking me called me a bad mother and then blamed me and said she was justified because she was "frustrated" this insanity went on for THREE hours. I was sitting there repeatedly defending myself and being honest , not very quietly I admit, while she was as cold and cruel as can be. I should have left, I really should have, but I fealt like I had to fight back and stand up for myself, and today, my birthday I am sitting here still in utter shock and heartbroken, like a sad little girl, just dumbfounded and not really knowing how to breathe, and move on for the next five minutes let alone the next five days. I hurt so bad physically and emotionally. I don't know how I would have made it through last night had my too dearest friends not kidnapped me and taken me to a comedy club , and bought me a couple of drinks I shouldn't have had. But it made the evening liveable , and I did laugh, but I had to wake up this morning and I know I have to do it again tomorrow and my hubby won't be home tomorrow, to kinda just be there, I don't know what to do.Thanks for "listening" Ruby |
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Bkwrm398
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Ruby, I'm sorry for what you went through such an ordeal  ! It sounds like your Mom has a LOT of issues (I say this with as much respect as possible) that she can't, or refuses to, deal with. The rape was NOT your fault!! It was not punishment for leaving the house when you weren't supposed to. It was not something that you 'deserved' because you had disobeyed your parents! Honey, I know you're hurting right now and I wish I could do more. I here for you if you ever want to talk Sending you a HUGE HUG & VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY WISHES!! |
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ALCSS2008
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Fibro takes so much of my energy that I have chosen to only surround my life with the people that make it better, no matter who they are. It's the only way I can make it. I am sorry that you had this painful experience. You have to keep telling yourself that you are a good person and you have people in your life who support and love you. Hang in there. HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! ccc
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BLB
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Way to go CCC...that is what you have to do...you need to keep it positive and not negative....and if you have skepticts then it brings your energy level down because you are fighting at proving yourself...and you shouldn't have to...it is the way it is....GOOD for you I say and also hang in there too!!! |
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BLB
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Ruby...don't do the what "IF'S" it will eat you up...things happen regardless...it could have been worse and some one else might have gotten hurt worse...but I think you need a 3rd person to talk to like a therapist....it really helps to have a 3rd party that is not in your family be it a friend or a professional....Good luck I will pray for you!! |
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cadburry
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I'm so sorry your mom is not as caring as a mother should be. I would never for one minute blame my daughter for being raped! Instead I would be beating myself up for feeling like I failed to protect her. I personally would have looked at my mom and said I don't have to take your abuse and if this is how your going to be then forget you even have a daughter and grandaughter, and then I would have left. Seriously this makes me so mad....I hate it when peoples mothers act like this! A mother should never act like this! Maybe you and your mom should try counceling.It seems you two have allot of things you want and need to say to eachother.There is something that needs to be worked on there. I personally would be done with my mom until she could apologize, but thats just me. |
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JLCarter
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My dear Ruby;Let me start by saying your story made me cry.That is absolutely the most ignorant and hurtful thing to do to you,let alone on your birthday.Please,this is no attack on your family whatsoever and no disrespect.But I have to tell you...I learned a long time ago,that meaness can come from anyone,even family.And you have to keep in mind...you have a family and yourself to take care of.I live by 2 words SELF PRESERVATION! Everything that was said to you was not only hurtful,but disrespectful,and uncaring.Your mother should be ashamed of herself.You are not to blame for being raped.You are not to be blamed for the financial difficulties you and your husband are having.And it most certainly is not your fault for being sick.You must surround yourself with people whom are loving,caring,understanding,and are worth your love.I'm sorry but your mother is damaging to you.You need to take care of you:"self preservation"...Your mom has serious issues,and you shouldn't have to deal with that kind of hatefullness. I don't mean to hurt or offend you in any way,so please don't take it that way.But you don't deserve this kind of treatment.My advice is "Project Damage Control"...aka;stay away from mom!If she doesn't encourage,support,and love unconditionally...then she's not a positive input in your life.You need understanding,love,and moral support... and your just not gonna get it from her.Please,please be careful with this situation.Think about YOURSELF,and your well being. I'm here if you'd like to talk more...pm me anytime. Very concerned,JL Post edited by: JLCarter, at: 04/29/2008 07:45 I am so scared that my husband will get tired of dealing with all my aches and pain...that he'll leave.Most of the time,I'm just either too tired or in too much pain for us to have alone time.What do you do about intimacy?
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jgamble409
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Ruby, First I would like to wish you a belated birthday and my better things come your way this year. May I ask where your father was in all of this ruckus? I understand if your mother attacked you when you were alone with her. I just got a DVD and book from the Mayo clinic on Fibromyalgia and stress and in the stress book it says to eliminate people in your life that do not bring positive feelings. I call it weeding out the weeds from the flowers. I can understand how hard it will be to not see your mother but it sounds like that she may feel more guilty about your past then she is willing to let on and so she blames you instead of having to deal with her quilt. Could that be it? I too am having problems with my parents but it is due to alzheimer's that they both suffer from, they do not want to see me or hear from since I put them in a place that they should not have to be. Please remember that sometimes no matter how painful it is we just need to say goodby for awhile and regroup from the ones who cause us more grief than happiness. My hope for you is that you may see a day when your mother truly becomes an asset in your liffe instead of a libility. No disrespect intended. Take care and know that I am thinking about you and hoping for better days ahead with your mother. |
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Mydragonfly
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Ruby, I would like to wish you a belated Happy Birthday. Now I feel the best thing I can do for you, is tell you a part of my life. You can take what you want of it. I just want you to know your not alone. Right around my daughters 1st birthday, I was talking with my fathers mother. She told me that I never should have had children. She went on to tell me that she wanted my mother to have an abortion. That is why I should not have children, because I never should have been born. She went on to tell me that me and my children were a wast. And that we took air that she could be breathing. That was the last time I ever saw her again. I walked away from her and all of my fathers side of the family. They always treated her like what she said was law. So I knew nothing I said would do anything. about 7or 8 years later when I started getting really sick, I did some research to find my father. We had a long talk and I told him why I had walked away from the family. He told me that she had begun to be mean and hateful to most of the family. He told me how sorry he was. I talked with my brother and explained things to him also. He told her that she was the reason he lost all the years of getting to know me. He stopped talking to her. She has now passed away. It took me a long time to let the pain of what she said to me go. To this day I only refer to her as "my fathers mother". I am not saying that you should walk away like I did. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone when it comes to family that hurts us with hateful words. dragonfly |
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abetterday
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Ruby, I'm so sorry that your mom did this, and I know (from personal experience) how hard it can be to get past. If you don't already have a therapist to talk to, now might be a good time to get one. It doesn't sound like your mom will be willing to go. My suggestion is to give yourself a gift and go on your own. You probably have years of stuff to talk out, right? I think a therapist would really help. My mother has also done this to me on numerous occasions, so I know the pain you are going through. My mom is bipolar, what about your mom? Obviously your mom has major issues herself that caused her to do this. You are not alone, as you can see. We are with you and are here to listen. Happy Belated Birthday, Bailey Bailey
The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it. ~ C.C.Scott |
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"Fibromyalgia is a real multisymptom illness and I for one support anyone who suf..." (misshummingbird)