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FMS Community FMS Support Forums General & Support My husband....is being so insensitive.
 

My husband....is being so insensitive.


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03/30/2008 17:53
JLCarter
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 I met my husband over 2 years ago,shortly after I needed surgery for ovarian cancer(masses).He was aware of that medical problem,plus my FM...and I educated him about it also.So,after my surgery,I was lucky the doctors caught it before it spread or got to the point of needing any further treatments.And he was absolutely wonderful.He was so sensitive to my needs,helped me with everything,compassionate to my pain and discomforts.So we got married last September,and I have to admit,my FM has been really bad.It feels as though Im living in a constant "flare up" stage.Such severe pain and tiredness...and depression.My now husband,seems to be very insensitive and untolerable of what Im goin thru.It seems he's irritated with me not being able to do things with him,and not being able to do certain things around the house as I can usually do.He acts like everything is hunky dory...when he KNOWS I am in terrible pain.I dont want pity,I want support and understanding...and to show me he cares about my condition.When I refresh his "memory" he says "I KNOW,I KNOW"....Im wondering,is he in denial?Can I please get someone elses opinion?
I am so scared that my husband will get tired of dealing with all my aches and pain...that he'll leave.Most of the time,I'm just either too tired or in too much pain for us to have alone time.What do you do about intimacy?
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03/30/2008 17:56
mamanordy
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 So sorry to hear about that. I know, I met my dh 32 years ago and he can be an insensitive boob! He is very compassionate about my heart issues and was very compassionate when I had breast cancer but the FM he does not understand and doesnt want to understand. I hope your dh comes around,.
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03/30/2008 18:05
JLCarter
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 You see,thats just it....its like he is more sympathetic to a cold or a virus.He just doesnt get the Fibro!I just dont understand why.Can it be that he doesnt believe a condition such as this exists?
I am so scared that my husband will get tired of dealing with all my aches and pain...that he'll leave.Most of the time,I'm just either too tired or in too much pain for us to have alone time.What do you do about intimacy?
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03/30/2008 18:07
mamanordy
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 I think that may be it, because it is invisible and because we have our complaints of fatigue and aches and pains and they think hey everyone has aches and pains and fatigue. But he doesnt realize it is like 100 times what a normal person feels. I honestly have started blaming everything on my heart problems, he cares more then. LOL
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03/30/2008 18:09
Red2
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 Hey JL,

It has been so hard on my husband - I know. He frustrates me many times, but I know he feels terrible about what I'm going through. He is soooo frustrated that he can't "fix" me! He can't stand to see me in ANY pain, so sometimes he just blocks it out. I think he needs to just think that things are ok because it drives him crazy otherwise. He also would seem to get mad when I couldn't go with him and the kids to shop or out to eat. I don't believe he was really mad. I think he was just sooo frustrated with the situation. He hated that I felt soo bad that I couldn't go with them, but he didn't know what to do about it. So, instead it would come out in anger or irritation towards me - even though he doesn't mean for it to. I think he really does care alot about me and would do anything he could to make me better (except clean house for me - which I keep shooting for ). We are looking into counseling to see if it will help us work through some of these kinds of problems. This is soooo hard on a marriage because it's not something that can be taken care of by surgery, etc. so that you can look forward to when you are "well". Instead, we are told it's for life. I bet it's just really hard for him to deal with. I hope you can both work through it together!
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03/30/2008 18:19
JLCarter
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 Well,again I feel better knowing that there are other women going thru the same thing Im going thru.Thank you!This is my 2nd marriage,and though I dont usually talk about it much...I believe my health problems were why my 1st marriage didnt make it.My 1st husband was brutal.He said it was all in my head,and if I lost weight I wouldnt have any more pain.He made ignorant comments all the time to me,until I really did believe I was crazy.I became suicidal with him.I had to leave him.But my husband now,loves me so much and always tells me how beautiful I am.I think he may feel helpless too.
I am so scared that my husband will get tired of dealing with all my aches and pain...that he'll leave.Most of the time,I'm just either too tired or in too much pain for us to have alone time.What do you do about intimacy?
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03/30/2008 18:23
ladycrowe
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 I am lucky to have support at home right now. I believe that our "invisible" illness is just to hard for some to grasp, and that they block us out. They know it won't kill us so it is easier to dance around the issue than address it..... For a lot of people, seeing is believing.....
We are all soldiers in this battle to reclaim our lives from the beast within!
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07/26/2008 20:41
JanfromTN
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 I met my dh after being diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and he knew that I was in pain and that there are times I would hurt so badly that I couldn't move. HE could understand that and had real concerns about me. Then I was diagnosed with fibro and it is a different story. He still cares about me and my feelings but he gets angry about all of it. Then he told me it is because the drs. don't know what to do to really help me, and he can't help me get out of the pain I am in. He can get me medicines or cold packs or warm packs but nothing really seems to help when I am in a flare and he feels so helpless. It is like we are fighting the invisible man and no matter which way we turn it is going to hurt. Give your hubby time to get used to all of this. Also, I told my dh a few months ago, during a really bad flare, that he hadn't signed up for this and if he wanted to go he could. He said he had signed up to be with me for better or worse and in sickness and in health. He asked if I would pull out on him if we found out he had a disease and I told him no. He said "Exactly" and he isn't going anywhere either.
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07/26/2008 23:15
recovered26
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 I am really sorry he is being insensitive right now.

This is just my two cents. I have a boyfriend who gets really frustrated with my fibro. I think that he cares about it and he knows how much I suffer, but I think it's hard for him to see everyday and not be able to do anything about it. I think a lot of my friends feel this way too, helpless. Perhaps that is how your husband is feeling? Perhaps he wants to do something, but he feels helpless, so he just turns off his compassion because dealing with his emotions all the time about seeing you in so much pain is too much for him?

Just a thought.

Check out my blogs:
Anxiety Blog: http://anxiety.today.com
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07/27/2008 05:18
Barbkubacki
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 My husband is just so frustrated because he can't fix me or do anything that would make me feel better. He is good by doing food shopping, cooking. My daughter does the laundry. We are just stuck in a rut!
Kindness is the only investment that never fails.
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