This Will Be A Long Vent

I've been extremely irritable the last few days and the stupidest things are "setting me off." Last night, I chewed my husband's ass off for burping at the kitchen table and proceeded to tell him how crude he can often be. I was hitting below the belt with the majority of my "complaints" about him and all he could do was look at me with this, "who are you?" expression on his face. A part of me wanted him to respond in some way so I could feel justified in continuing the attack, but he just sat there and took it.

Not even two hours before that I got extremely aggrivated at my son because he wouldn't "play quietly" while I laid down on his bed trying to "get a grip" and felt like my husband basically had to "rescue" him from my hateful "fussing at him."

Last night was a VERY long night for me. My shoulder pain is returning, the tingling and burning in my feet is starting back up, I feel like I could go to sleep standing up, but the minute I lay down, my mind races and my body just can't get comfortable. This morning I woke up stiff, in pain, and basically frustrated. This medicine is supposed to help all this stuff, but since increasing the dose, it is suddenly all worse.

So I had it in mind today to ask my doctor if I could switch back to the lower dose and stay on that for a while, but we never made it to that point. She asked me how I was feeling and I said, "Worse." She responded with, "No, you aren't worse." Then, she instantly transitioned into her "theory" about what is wrong with me.

She said she had been looking through my medical record and was surprised to find all these outrageous tests I'd been subjected to, but more importantly wanted me to realize that all of them were "grossly normal." She drew a little graph on a piece of paper and explained that not everyone will fall in the "normal" range and suggested that my being so concerned about slightly abnormal test results was contributing to my physical difficulties. That whole "Mind Body Connection" thing.

Now had this been a doctor who was there from the beginning, she would have known I endured YEARS of being sick before even admitting to myself there was a real problem. If that wasn't hard enough, I then found myself having to convince doctors that I am "really THAT sick." She had the cart before the horse. I am SICK and I am looking twice at any and every thing that might explain why. I've never thought anything was seriously wrong with me, more likely some little something slightly off somewhere that my doctor's must have overlooked. A hormone or two out of whack, an enzyme not behaving properly... something!

Anyway, she made the mistake of using my bone marrow biopsy and spinal tap as examples of how "extreme" the sort of testing I was "allowing" myself to be subjected to were. And I think it was that moment that tore it for me. It was almost as is she was saying I was ASKING for all this stuff.

When I saw a hematologist for the eosinophilia, I wanted to be educated about what it was and how serious it might be. I'd never even heard of it before. Perfectly reasonable to want to see someone who specialized in that particular thing, right? Well, after reviewing some blood work and ruling out the most common causes of eosinophilia, the hematologist tells me that she would like to do a bone marrow biopsy. Now that's some scary stuff and I wanted to know exactly why she felt this was necessary. HUGE MISTAKE! We shouldn't question a doctor's judgement, you know. She told me that the bone marrow was the factory for white cells and if there is a problem with the white cells, you need to start at the factory. Seemed reasonable enough, BUT MAN! A BONE MARROW BIOPSY? Considering she was also an oncologist, I figured she knew more than me and trusted that she had a good reason for doing this, even if I didn't fully understand it.

When I went back for my results, she told me that my biopsy was normal and to come back for follow up in a few months. She really gave me the bum's rush and I never did get any information about what this is or what to expect with it. I'm in the habit of getting copies of medical notes and lab stuff to keep in my personal medical record and when I finally got copies of my visits with the hemotologist, I WAS SHOCKED! Right there in the actual lab report it said, "No marrow in biopsy" or something to that effect. Well, if the lab never got any of my marrow to test, how did the doctor know it was normal? What's more, she told me my eosinophil count was only 1% out of range. Well, the normal range is 1-3% and mine was 9%. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's 3 X the normal amount.

To make a long story short, I asked her to explain why we went from "you NEED a bone marrow biospy" to lying about the results of said biopsy and now suddenly "there's no need to worry that one was not properly done." It made me feel like I had gone through one of the worst procedures in my life for nothing! And after being lied to not once, but twice by this doctor, I didn't put much stock in her explanation that my smoking is what's causing my eosinophilia and she told me not to come back until I quit, so SEE YA! I'll leave out the part of about the certified CYA letter she wrote me, changing all of her statements and explaining things in a less liable way.

Then there's the lumbar puncture (spinal tap). I was referred to a neurologist for the burning in my hands and feet and he was curious about my constant headaches. He looked in my eyes and found "blurring of the disc margin" which he said may indicate abnormally high pressure in my brain and suspected a pseudotumor cerebi. The first thing he did was order an MRI of my brain and that revealed assymetrical lateral ventricles which left him totally clueless. He'd never seen it before, but felt that it was not an uncommon finding since the radiologist made no mention of it. It did rule out an actual tumor, which only supported his theory that I had this psuedotumor thing going on and the only definitive way to know was to test the pressure of my spinal fluid. Now keep in mind I was seeing this main for burning and tingling in my feet and this other stuff was a total surprise. And here again, he's the expert! Who am I to question? If he thinks he knows what's causing my headaches, you can rest assured I'm going to let him do what he needs to in order to fix it, no matter how little I like it.

So I've been through all of that, just trying to be well, and this woman uses those two instances to tell me my concerns about my health and the lengths I will go to in order to alleviate my fears are the problem?

As I was sitting there listening to her back-peddaling, I kept asking myself how I wound up here. I thought I was having anxiety attacks, but was actually only having bronchial spasms that made me wig out and now that the bronchitis is improved, no more anxiety attacks. Of course she would like to think that's because of the Effexor, but if extreme irritibility and worsening of other symptoms is the trade off, NO THANKS! I'm going off the meds and if the anxiety attacks return, then I will consider seeing someone who deals specifically with that sort of thing. But knowing the attacks stopped THE DAY I started the inhaler and hadn't even taken the first effexor dose, my money is on the bronchitis being the root of that problem.

So for the last 30 minutes or so of our visit, she tried to tell me that she was still willing to work with me, but I need to be more open minded to the idea that my symptoms are psychosomatic. I agree to give it some thought and couldn't get out of there fast enough!

I think the next time I'll just go to the local urgernt care clinic for the acute stuff and continue managing the chronic stuff as best I can on my own.

OH WAIT! I forgot to mention another interesting note. I asked her what she had figured out with the hypglycemia and she told me I do not have fasting hypoglycemia, but rather reactive hypoglycemia. I don't now WHAT to think about all that! She showed me what they had in the computer and it reported my sugar after the 12 hr fast at 85 (or something like that) which is perfectly normal. Two hours after the sugar drink, it dropped down to 47. Now I remember taking the test and walking in the office thinking I might should have had someone else drive me because I was shaking, nervous, and sweating. Two days later when the PA called with my results, I asked her what my levels were on the first blood draw and she said 47. I AM SOOOO CONFUSED! In 1991 I was told I had non-diabetic fasting hypoglycemia. I've had the test a few times since and it has ALWAYS been the same. Now suddenly I've switched from one type to the other? How long has it been that way and since the dietary needs of each are so vastly different, is it possible I've been doing the very things I shouldn't be doing? Or did I do something to screw up the test? Did that cigarette I had that morning have something to do with it? Did I get up that night and drink something without thinking? I would have asked more questions, but that would be obsessing too much on my health, right? Might make me feel worse, you know.

Man, if anyone dared wade through all of this... thanks a million, ha, ha.

My primary, whom I had worked with for 10 years in the hospital asked me if I changed my hair...No I gained 40 pounds Do you think we should treat the hypothyroidism? No, Let's take care of the headaches first. Okay...goodby to him. Then I had the best appointment I had ever had with a new doctor. She spent so much time with me and I really related to her. I go back for my follow up.

She takes may chart..has no idea who I am and tries to fake it (I guess she also forgot I was a nurse)

BIG MISTAKE

Then she asks me how I have been and I tell her about my broken ankle that was treated as tendonitis for the last four months and she says "Well, i guess you broke it in the accident. She takes a piece of paper out and draws a person sitting in the car and shows me how I must have pushed on the floor when I saw the car coming at me. HM, I say to myself. Then I politely say to her when she is done drawling and demonstrating, I had the car accident 2 years ago.

MISTAKE #2

Then she flips through my labs and says they are all okay and I ask her about my B12 and she says, Oh, well that ones not here yet.

MISTAKE #3

Then she asks me how much Percocet I take and I told her I only take it when I have a really bad headache. I do this after I have tried lying down and a quiet room. And she said to me.....Do you think that you might have migraines? I thought I was going to FALL right off of the chair. I have migraines. I take meds for migraines. I see a neurologist for migraines. And I am going to John Hopkins to Headache/migrain Clinic on Monday----an appt she insisted I keep and she was supposed to have called ahead and spoke with the doctor.

MISTAKE #4

Then we move on to physical therapy. She wanted me to continue with physical therapy. I told her I would, although I was a little hesitant to go when they had me doing step-ups on a broken ankle and when I cried, he asked me how much medicine I was on, and was i on any psych meds. Yes, I am you $#%@&^ but that doesn't change the fact that you have me dancing around the pool doing tricks with a broken ankle. So whe proceeds to tell me that that physical therapy place closed six months ago anyway. Okay, this is Feb and I was there in Jan....Never mind, I wasn't going to argue.

MISTAKE #5

Then I said to her, Do you think I could increas my lyrica? It seems to be the only thing that works for me. She says I think you are at the top of the dosage. I will have to look it up. Well, I knew the high dose. I had went to a seminar 2 weeks before, but I didn't say anything. After all, doctor's cannot be expected to know every dose of every drug. She takes a drug book, fiddles with it, looks at me and lies about the dosage. Telling me that I am at the top of the dosage for what she is treating me for.

MISTAKE #6

Can you say fired!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I wasn't a nurse, I would have fell for that entire farce of an appointment. When you go to an appointment you have to be prepared to support yourself and know what you are talking about. i fell sorry for the people that have no health care background.

Now I'm all worked up and won't be able to sleep.

Sandi

There have been two occasions that I went to my doctor for something and she couldn't remember.

I'm really nervous to loose my medicaid but in a way it might be more of a blessing than not because then I can get a new doctor.I'm thinking about going back to the doctor that I seen all the years before I got on medicaid.

Every time I think of the crap (excuse the language)that the doctor's tell me from one visit to the next just gets me so fired up!

How about when my neuro didn't send in required paperwork to my long term disability in the required time which made me lose my payments. He got fired from his old practice. I kept seeing him and he promised to do whatever he could to get my LTD back and when his errors in my care were clearly pointed out (by the copies of my file I provided to him) like forged signatures, not reviewing MRI's he ordered, having other people fill out forms for him, he backpedaled like crazy, threatened to tell anyone and everyone that nothing was wrong with me.

Next, new doctor suggests that I might have fibromyalgia. She runs some blood tests, gets the results, prescribes Lyrica. Next appointment, she doesn't even ask how Lyrica is working however, I tell her that I'm concerned as it is making my eyes unable to focus. She just goes, "hmmm." I say, "you told me to tell you if I got any of the side effects that were listed on the sheet you gave me." At which point something clicks, and she tells me to quit taking it prescribing Neurontin instead.

I ask her about FM and she tells me that it is a disease of the mind. When I give her a puzzled look, she tells me that she sends patients to psychotherapy for it. She later tells my daughter, also a patient of hers, that if all the tests she has ordered for her come out negative, she is diagnosing her with FM and she'll get her on the right medications, pain management, physical therapy.

There is a prime example of two people with many of the same symptoms, but one on medicaid, one on regular insurance, getting treated differently.

I could go on, but I'm just getting mad.

What I would like to know is, how in the heck can you get a doctor to spend more than 15 minutes talking to you? Do you have to make some sort of special arrangements somehow?

Keep your chin up. Things will eventually get better or at least we have to try and think so.

Also about not being treated the same. I think doctors treat women and men differently with pain. They look at me like I am a pill head and my brother sees a dr. and they give him all kinds of meds. for pain. He has pain in his back and I know it is real, but it is no more real than mine and they give him some really good stuff and they give me something and then tell me they are afraid I will get addicted. HELLO do men not get addicted? Now I will shut up, enough for one day