coolmamma
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Hey everyone - I just need to talk, maybe complain a little? I had a busy weekend and am now paying the price. First of all, I haven't been feeling very well lately. I have had little energy and the pain has been increased. Well, I have a sister that has a disability and one or two times during the winter I go to Iowa to help take care of her during her "home visit". (My other sisters and I take turns while our mom is in Florida) Anyway, this sister needs help with everything and can't be left alone due to seizures. She was very good for me - happy and cooperative. However, the lifting of her into and out of the tub & car was enough to put me over the edge! Don't take me wrong, I LOVE spending time with family. It's just that even with extra pain meds, there is no touching the increased pain/fatigue from this weekend. Then, when I went to take her home on Sunday, it was snowing so hard it felt like someone shook the snowglobe! We couldn't see even a semi length in front of our van!  We got her home safely, but then when we got to the interstate, it was completely stopped -bumper to bumper. Needless to say, we tried to go another way. It took us 2 hours to go what should have taken 1/2 hr! My hubby was driving so of course I tried to calm my nerves by popping Skittles like mad! This only made my jaw hurt more cuz they are so chewy.  Long story short, we ended up getting to my in-law's house then they told us we were going to a superbowl party w/ them. All I wanted to do was crawl into a corner w/ my drugs, a pillow & blanket! I felt like my body was screaming inside saying NO - DON'T GO. STAY HOME! However, I didn't want to be left alone either. I just wanted someone to hold me and make the pain go away. So, off to the party we went in the blizzard like snow again. The party was ok, but I felt like I was out of my body. It was really weird. After the party we went to my other in-law's house to spend the night. Needless to say, I hadn't been able to stay in front of the pain so I didn't sleep worth anything. I woke up at 5am to thunder & lightning so I got up & started watching the news. We had received 8INCHES of snow!!! I am so tired of winter!  The weatherman was reporting freezing rain for the morning. YIPPEE - NOT. We got on the road again by 9 and the roads were actually ok. The trip home was ok, but I had to cancel my PT appt and kept the kids out of school since it was so late when we got home. By the time we got home the fatigue and pain were over the top. I was only able to sleep for about 20min during the ride. I felt so anxious to get home so I could relax. I decided to go to my pain mgmt class which was on forgiveness. It was good I went cuz I was able to talk w/ a friend, but on the other had I should NOT have been driving. Ok by now you are probably asking why didn't I stop when I was ahead? THAT is the problem! Sometimes I can't stop. I knew I would be paying the price, but I can't define the moment that too much was too much. I couldn't say no to taking care of my sister because she doens't understand mentally when she can't go home. When I get in this pain, it's hard to stop the negative thoughts...Like "what were you thinking" or "you are a wus.you should be able to do more". These are only two examples...there are plenty more were they come from. The other thing that happened this weekend is my Gma fell and broke her wrist. She is 92 and the dr won't do surgery on her cuz he is afraid she won't come out of it. This means that she either needs family support 24/7 or will go to a nursing home. I really don't want her to go - I am scared she won't ever come out. I will be totally lost without her. I have so many memories wirh her. She taught me how to do so many things! Oh - I don't know if I can totally go there right now...crying my eyes out. I am so afraid of losing her and I know my mom is feeling guilty for being in FL. It's too much to handle right now...I feel numb. Want to run & scream or go & hide myself in a corner & tell the world to bug off. Not sure which is better. I know this is getting very wordy so I am gonna stop for now. Thanks for listening...I know things will get better. I just probably need to rest today to get a fresher perspective. However, I will have to get groceries cuz we are supposed to get 12 inches of snow tonight into tomorrow! YUCK  I want spring to come!!! |
"In the 3 months I have been with MDJunction I have developed a sense of calmness. I now friends who do not judge me because I have been a mental mess at times. It is such a good feeling to have friends I can tell my deepest thoughts and always get back to me with their support. I have never seen a therapist for long periods of time. Right or wrong, this is the best therapy possible for me. Thanks Roy for getting this up and running and making such a difference in my life. Sara" (saralaurie)
