|
|
ilovepetey1
Posts: 300
Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
Craig, I know men and women are very different. I know everything your saying is true. So now let me add this major stress of probably losing my husband to someone who can do things I can't. The guilt of this has tormented me for months. I guess what really gets to me is some husbands can be pretty insensitive all day to your pain, then come upstairs at night and expect some action. Communication is definately needed right now. I don"t want to feel more guilt than I alredy do so I need to leave this subject. leslie |
--- The discussion has been locked ---
|
|
|
singingangel
Posts: 2479
VIP Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
It realy hurts me to have sex. The gyn just said to use lubricant. I will get cramps and have pain there the whole time.it even lasts the next day. I hate it. I had been lucky for a while that my hubby slowed down on how often. now it seems he wants more. I have talked to him but it doesnt change things. I have dystonia, neuropathy, gerd, arthritis, and fibromyalgia, carpal tunnel and other ailments. I enjoy embroidery,music, and reading my Bible and Christian books. I love to bake. I try to be very supportive and positive. |
--- The discussion has been locked ---
|
|
|
Fletch2ya
Posts: 1074
Senior Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
HI....Let just look at who is most likely to have Fibro...it is females...Why because guys will not admit this for the most part that they have it..... They go to drinking and drugs to control they pain..... I was laugh at by a Doctor who told my I did not have fibro because that was a womans "THING" I would not tell another male I have this because of the Stigma,I use to work with constuction,and guys that ran heavy equipment. So now it makes it seem like it all the guys that are insensitive and jerks....as it has been said here....... Well when my Judy got hurt,and really broke up, I was the one who did everything, cooked, cleaned,laundry and all the chores....I would sit and hold her and rub her head and back for hours because that was the only thing that I could do to help her with her pain...She laid in bed for over 6 months crying and screaming because the pain was so bad.....I told you that only to say, it is just the odds that more woman openly say they have Fibro...... so its more of the guys that have to be with a spouse that has Fibro..... We as men do not understand.....it is a totally male thing.....genetic...we just don't understand, we talk and feel so different about everything...... I as a male wanted to fix Judy...I wanted to make her all better.... but I could not, no one could..... she was hurting, and I could not fix it..... it really bothered me.....made me mad, really mad.... I am suppose to be able to take care of my family and fix all problems.......now that is how myself and many other males feel......Now it comes down to how we deal with that anger......Some guys turn it inside, but with that comes resentment..... then that resentment turn towards the one that caused the resentmen.... and who is that..... the spouse that has fibro.... that resentment can come out in many forms....but it is turned back to the spouse.... If the feeling are first turned out and the male can go through the anger part and gets through it, he may be able to deal with the problem, because he is working through the steps to heal.....I am sorry here, but with his spouse and his natural ways he has been hurt also..... So he has to be able to heal...there are steps to healing.... if they are not followed, well you have some one that can not deal with your day to day problems...because he has yet to deal with himself.... I have said 4 different things here.... 1. more women admit to having fibro than men....Men also have it. 2. Men do not understand things the same as woman.. 3. Men have a natual thing to want to fix all problem 4. The male is also hurt here when his spouse it sick and he can do nothing about it.... He has to be given a way to deal with it and heal also....HIS life also has been changed forever, something out of his control.... Somehow he has to beable to openly work through the steps of healing........ denial, resentment,anger,and then into acceptance... Which that road is a long one....from anger to acceptance...because it will go from anger to passive, back to anger and about 3 other ways before he does accept it.... when he does.... then you can go on..... You the fibro suffer are not the only one sick here........not the only that is effected.... I know a lot of guys are all the names you ladies have said...but you know we are not all like that ...MOST guys given the time and a way to deay with this, would be very loving and caring husbands or significant others... If I have made any one mad...I am sorry... but this is not just your illness.....you have made it your spouses also.....he also has fibro, its by proxie..but he has it also.... because he has to deal with you, when your down, when your hurting and when your so sick you can not lift your head.... he also is sick....his whold life has been changed too....And if you got together when you had fibro...... and you say he now does not understand... well then he did not understand you when you got together..... I am a very caring male....I love my Judy and will do what every it takes to take care of her..... Becasue I was given the time and a way to deal with her injury...and disablity... It time to stop the name calling and really look at this problem and find a way to deal with it.... Because both of you have FIBRO, you are the ones that truely feel the pain, but your spouses, also feel a type of pain....... Doctors are called for all around..... for both you and your spouse..... Craig Craig. |
--- The discussion has been locked ---
|
|
|
singingangel
Posts: 2479
VIP Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
You are right Craig. My hubby always says he wants to make me better.When i got my CPAP machine it was real bad.He even tried moving the mask and tubing when i was trying to be sleeping. Now he went too far the other way.I could use help snapping it on. As far as sex goes I really think he wants to believe everything is the same as before fibro, etc. but it isnt. I really believe why when i talk to him he doesnt do anything different. I have dystonia, neuropathy, gerd, arthritis, and fibromyalgia, carpal tunnel and other ailments. I enjoy embroidery,music, and reading my Bible and Christian books. I love to bake. I try to be very supportive and positive. |
--- The discussion has been locked ---
|
|
|
Aquarian211
Posts: 298
Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
Fletch - well said well put. Thanks for that post - I'm proud of you for putting it up there - and I appreciate everything you have written. Angel - have you tried "alt methods" of sex? In order to keep it clean I'll leave it at that - but there are so many different things we can do with / for our guys... but maybe you could get creative? Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out. |
--- The discussion has been locked ---
|
|
|
hipmama42
Posts: 597
Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
Communication and respect for the other person are key. I was in an abusive marriage where my ex husband controlled all of the money, constantly put me down and belittled me in front of the kids, yelled and slammed doors, then went into his office and onto his computer for the rest of the evening without so much as a word to me, because he needed to "destress" from work, and didn't want to hear about my day, problems, worries or fears. He would shut me out emotionally and refuse to talk about what was bothering him or why he was always so angry and unhappy, but he needed someone to blame for his unhappiness, so he told me that I caused it all. He had a total lack of respect for my opinions and intelligence. It was his way or the highway, he was rigid and controlling. All of this happened even before the fibro, but I also had other health issues which caused him resentment. He seemed to blame me for having the health problems, like I deliberately brought them on myself - maybe, as Craig says, because he couldn't fix me? Also because that's not what he signed up for when we got married. How does this tie into our sex life? It is hard to want to please and have sex with someone who is cruel to you and treats you like dirt all of the time, puts you down, and blames you for everything that has gone wrong in his life. I felt like all he needed was a body for his release, and it could have been anyone. It had nothing to do with me and nothing to do with love, caring, and intimacy. I felt like I should ask him to just leave the cash on the dresser. Yes, a man is always ready for sex, but he needs to know that he needs to act like a decent human being and treat his partner well if he wants her to be in the mood to enjoy sex and be eager to please him in bed. It goes both ways...the sexes are different, yes, but we have to learn to speak each other's language, meet each other halfway, and know that you have to give a little to get a little. Try a little tenderness...trust and respect your partner and truly listen when she talks instead of tuning her out and the sex will naturally get better and more enjoyable , even if not as frequent. That's what I kept trying to tell my ex...but he just didn't get it. Post edited by: hipmama42, at: 02/08/2008 08:51 Post edited by: hipmama42, at: 02/08/2008 09:03 |
--- The discussion has been locked ---
|
|
|
BeachBum
Posts: 59
Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
Craig, I just want to say great post. It is really very good for me at least to hear things from a mans/husbands perspective. You know I never really thought about how much this was really effecting my husband. I mean I new he didn't want me to have Fibro, and I new he just wants everything back the way it was before. But mostly I was just seeing him not being supportive. You have really opened my eyes to what he may be feeling, or what he is going through, and I thank you so much for that. I feel like I was being selfish before for not really thinking about it. It has given me a whole new way of looking at things...=) I do understand how Leslie feels as well, because I am in a similar situation and it can be frustrating, and it feels like your husband is being insensitive, but now thanks to your post Craig...I think I might look at his behavior in a whole new way!  Post edited by: BeachBum, at: 02/08/2008 08:51 |
--- The discussion has been locked ---
|
|
|
ilovepetey1
Posts: 300
Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
okay... I'm still here, I guess I'm not done like I thought I was... I think maybe the men need to have their own place to talk because there is an awful lot of man bashing. Of course I feel for the spouses of us fibro folks, but I think it comes in stages of feelings and if it's not talked about, that's when things get out of hand. I also realize what a difficult time some of us have communicating. I think us women make the big mistake of feeling that our husbands should just "know" how we are feeling without us saying it. WRONG WRONG WRONG. As much as I know this, I still keep thinking it, he should just know... My husband and I have sat down and said okay, how do YOU feel? and how do YOU feel? When we do that its great. I think those afflicted with this disease go into self-pity (perfectly understandable) I'm there myself right now. I can perfectly understand how my husband feels. I want to be "there for him" but I feel he FIRST needs to realize the devastating feelings that go along with this disease. If he showed me he really had some understanding of what it must be like, and could put himself on the back burner for a while ( a few months?) I would totally be more sympathetic towards him. My husband IS being patient with the sex thing, I know how hard it is for him. I actually gave him an out. I said if you want a divorce, I would understand. He said he loves me and will wait as long as it takes. I am eternally grateful for that. Craig, you're right, the differences between how men and women think are huge. I still think we need to talk to each other. I still do this silly thing of getting upset with his abscence of understanding during the day and that makes me not want to be sensitive to his feelings of rejection at night. I don't know what will happen with us, but I can totally see how hard we are to live with. People have the same issues about sex even without the fibro, as far as feeling that their spouse doesn't understand , so the sex doesn't happen, I know I did to a point. It will always be an issue and the fibro makes it HUGE. leslie |
--- The discussion has been locked ---
|
|
|
sweetheartsuzee
Posts: 1078
Senior Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
Very nice Craig! I'm really glad you posted that! And, I hope you're not hurt by anything that anyone said on here. I don't have any reason to 'diss' men...mine is wonderful! And, I feel that there are just as many women who see things 'their own way' just as much as men. I think you made some really good points. Thank you for that! {{{{Fibro Hugs}}}} ~Suzee~
Only YOU can control your thoughts...
SO...
Change your thoughts and CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!! |
--- The discussion has been locked ---
|
|
|
ggirl
Posts: 114
Member
Send a PM
Give a Hug
|
Has anyone read the books by John Gray called Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus? Its really a great book to read. It tells the differences in men and women. No physical differences, but actions and reasons are very different. He also has the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, In the Bedroom. You can read the different reasons men have for sex compared to womens reasons. I'm lucky that even though I have Fibro, for me, sex is probably the only thing that doesn't hurt me. My wanting sex has dropped off, but my husband always thought I wanted it too much anyway. There are also Sex Therapists that can help people sort out their problems in that area. There is always different ways you can please your guy without it hurting you. You don't have to have penetration. You can get all kind of books from Amazon about sex that has all different ideas of things you can try. I do believe sex is a very important part of marriage. Its even in the bible. |
--- The discussion has been locked ---
|
|
"All I can say is that this has been the best place ever. It has been six to seven months since I joined, and I have learned so much. I now believe in myself and accept myself on a completely different level. The people on MDJunction has been so supportive and accepting that I have been able to adopt it into my personal life. That has reduced a lot of stress in my life. Thanks to all." (bunnyfly)
