Fibromyalgia Support Group

Hi all,

I haven't been around much because my job has kept me busy and I am usually tired at the end of the day and on the weekend. I'm a senior scientist and supervise graduate and undergraduate students in a lab at a university.

Anyways, I like what I do. Is it sometimes frustrating? Yes. Does it sometimes leave me a bit fatigued? Yes. However, I do enjoy mentoring and research and development. I also have the kindest boss ever, who is understanding of fibromyalgia.

Last Tuesday, I was trying to assist the graduate students on an experiment. They don't have much experience in this area and I was relaying what the boss and myself discussed and said I was open to hearing why they chose the system they did. Rather than have a civil discussion, the students proceed to yell at me. I am only 4'11" and barely weigh 95 lbs, so I am not intimidating lol. I kept my cool and the students continued to yell at me. I walked out of the room to catch my cool and went back in and said, "Look, there are two people here with Ph.Ds and one of them has extensive experience in this area. I am open to hearing why you are doing this, but I want to say there is a logical reason why this system was chosen." Did they bring on the rational discussion? Nope, I've seen 5th graders behave better. The manager steps in and I walk out of the room. I am in pain and my anxiety is through the roof. I go to my office to breathe through the panic attack and pain.

I talk to the manager and boss and they take care of business with these students, but that does not alleviate my pain and anxiety. I didn't sleep well on Tues or Wed night and I woke up with the worst pain I've had in over a year.

Until that incident, my pain was very under control. My pain doc sent me on my way said I am living life, doing a great job, and she'll see me in 3 months. Seriously, my pain was VERY under control. I have dealt with surly students on many occasions without panic attacks.

Now I am scared. I have been chasing the pain since last Tuesday evening. I am scared that the next time something like this happens, I will never be able to get on top of the pain. My boyfriend is worried and so is my family. They don't want work to make me sick.

I took Friday off and emailed my boss about how I was experiencing pain and anxiety and I needed to take time to get my health under control and consider if this position is right for me. It was a longer message, but that's the cliff's note version. hehe

She wrote back a very kind letter apologizing for that situation and how it may have exacerbated my symptoms and suggested I take time off for my health and to also reflect on the situation. She said she values me and would like for me to continue working in her laboratory. She has also said that she wants to discuss how we can make my work easier on me.

I am meeting with my psychiatrist this afternoon. I have had my panic disorder under control for a long time. I had two panic attacks at work last week and my pain is very high.

Oh, what to do... Having a job is a blessing. Having a boss who understands is a blessing. However, is it really worth it if I am subjected to the possibility that my pain levels are higher?

I don't blame my boss or these students, but I do not know if this is the right environment for me.

Just venting and hoping someone can help me steer myself in the right direction. I just ache and I feel so defeated.

We can afford for me to quit my job. My boyfriend is part time in school and part time employment, but he is an electrician and can work full time this summer as he finishes his degree in a few weeks (yay for him!). He wants me to just be happy and healthy. He does not care what the cost is.

Thanks xo

All i can say is WoW! These are adults, not 5th graders and good god, does no one teach kids manners anymore? Yelling at you? *shakes head in disgust*

You do what's right for YOU. If that's to continue working, it HAS to be with the understanding with your boss that you cannot (not will not, CANNOT) tolerate this type of behavior. Is it always the same students, like a semester's worth of one class? Or is it different people every day? If it's the same idiots, and you want to work, walk into the lab and explain you won't tolerate that type of behavior. Threaten punishment, like banishment from the lab.

I don't know... do what's right for you hon and good luck!!!

I know--I have seen kids act more like adults than this. Who yells? I told the manager they are lucky because anywhere else, they'd get the boot! Heck, if my child yelled at anyone that way, he/she would be slapped. I don't care if he's 14 or 54.

Same idiots every single day.

These two students are in the graduate program at my university. Both of them are working on their doctorates and performing research in the laboratory for their dissertation. I am their supervisor and I have been nothing but kind and courteous. I do not yell and I am very patient. I oversee the projects they are on and I also work on my research. I assemble and write the reports for the grant that pays our salaries--yup! they get paid!-- in addition to their tuition and health insurance! Ungrateful brats! I am okay if they want to do a different experiment--that's fine--but at least justify it with scientific reasoning! I was merely doing my job in making certain they were not wasting time and reagents. I did not ask a threatening question.

I have 13 years of research experience as both a chemist and biochemist and these kids have a combined total of 4 years of research experience, none of which is chemistry or biochemistry. They wanted to embark on this project and I am happy to help them, but I am now in "fight or flight" over the situation and I have not been able to get my anxiety down until my psychiatrist gave me permission to just take my valium on a daily basis until I can calm my nervous system down. I also have an appointment with my therapist.

These idiot sticks should be paying my medical bills. I can forgive the oldest one as he gave me a genuine apology. The youngest student has been somewhat of a bully from the get go. My understanding, from my boss, is that the girl will probably either be master-tracked out of the program or asked to leave. She's not only been unprofessional with me, but also our manager. I forgive, but I do not forget.

If I do decide to go back, I will be talking to these students. My boss already told them this behavior will not be tolerated and there will be reprimand. I am not sure what she has done. My guess is after it affected my health, she is probably p*ssed off because I am her right-hand woman. P*ssing on me is like p*ssing on her.

I recognize if I stay that I am in a position to negotiate a bit as my boss values me and wants me to stay in the laboratory. Not that I want to take advantage of my boss, but I have never taken my fibro into this. I grit my teeth on bad days and go in, but if I need a flexible schedule and less work hours then so be it. I am hurting now and to get on top of the "fight or flight", I need to see a therapist and have more balance outside of work. I need to put my health first. We wouldn't even be here if those kids hadn't decided to throw gigantic hissy fits.

It is so hard to make these decisions while in pain. I know many of you deal with ongoing pain all the time, so I feel like a baby complaining about this terrible flare. The only time I had ongoing pain was after my mastectomy when maxing out the pain meds did nothing for me. It was horrible.

I still hurt but it's a shade easier than yesterday. Still, I am no closer to making a decision than I was yesterday. Oh well, tomorrow is another day...

Mandy, that's such a tough decision. I have to agree with Moira that you need to do what's best for you, whatever that may be. BTW, you have a wonderful boyfriend! He sounds like a gem, hold on to him.

I taught 2nd grade (quite different), but children are children, right! The stress was unbelieveable. The best thing I ever did was retire. I know you can't retire, and the situations are totally different. But my point is that the stress got way too much, and it so affected my health.

I don't think I'd even make a decision until I got this anxiety and pain under control. Then you'd be better able to make the best decision. You probably need to talk to your boss at length and find out what options you have.

Anyway, I feel for you, and I pray God leads you to the right choice.

Hugs, Liz

Hi, I ditto Liz--wait until the psych. appt. and you've gotten everything under control to make any big decisions. Also, if this chick is bullying you--can you just plain walk away from her and not even deal with her at all?

Thank you, Liz and ushie. I woke up in a lot less pain and I took valium as my psychiatrist suggested. I'm still waiting to hear back from the therapist about an appointment.

There is a high possibility I don't have to deal with this girl. I think she will be given the boot at some point anyway. When I think about it, she is really the one "ruining" my experience--and I don't want anyone ruining my experiences for me.

My boss has suggested that I work with our lab manager, who has requested great interest in working along side me to learn more skills. I really enjoy his company and together, we make a good team.

I also mentor a high school student and undergraduate students on their projects and that is fun work. I enjoy it.

I was in a better place last night, mentally and physically. I am still feeling tired and sore, but I feel like I am coming back from all of this.

My boyfriend truly is a gem. We were together 7 months when I was diagnosed with cancer and he has been with me all along, even advocated for me when I was treated like a drug seeker and he still accompanies me to oncology appointments. He does the grocery shopping, most of the cleaning and helps me with laundry. He knows this job has sucked the life outta me at times.

I'm trying to get a grip on an ideal job for me, trying to focus on the positive...perhaps there is a way this job can be easier for me? I believe there is so I'm focusing on that.

I had hoped to wake up earlier and at least present myself in the lab today, even if it was only in my office. I still have a sick day left if I need to use it.

Hi, use it. Use it to gather your mental forces and play with solutions of how to make the situation work for you. How to make the bullying stop. Or how to make a voodoo doll of the bully-girl...

I appreciate what you are going through. I am a high school teacher and just finished my Masters. One of the big things they stressed in my Masters program was our professionalism. That graduate student is probably having delusions of grandure, thinking she's the next best thing to come along in science and is posturing for position. I have had panic attacks when my pain is bad and I'm dealing with stressful situations. I'm fortunate that so far my administration hasn't made an issue of the fact that I miss a day probably once every 2 weeks. I don't even have sick days left, I have to take them without pay. I'm so exhausted at the end of the day, I usually have to take a nap when I get home. Hope you can sort this out when things calm down and that you feel better. You seem like a strong person.

Hi chemoGeek!,

Nice to meet you. I have been a classroom teacher for twenty years, having some experience teaching every grade through high school in some capacity. Teaching is one of the hardest professions and teachers are committed to wanting to help their students learn.

There are some basic classroom management techniques you can use. First I would Meet indivually with each one of those students and have a heart to heart. Often students want to be recognized by the teacher or their peers so they act out. Just have an honest talk with them out in the hallway away from the grou. start with friendly questions like what their other interests are, and ask about why they wanted to sign up for this project, get to know them as individuals. Then tell them a little about yourself. Meeting one on one ( not to reprimand) but to establish a relationship. Then near the end of the conversations say something like, you know it's really difficult being a teacher and everyone is yelling. Can you help me out and try not to yell out in class? You might suggest a certain personal hand signal between the two of you if it happens.

What you are doing is building mutual respect with the students you work with. Its a win-win every time. They begin to realize you care about them, not as a group of college students, but as an individual learner. When you face them off in class in front of everyone, you appear to be the bullying or singling them out, they get embarrrassed, and then they'll just keep egging you on, so their friends know they have the control.

There are other strategies, like have cups turned over o their desks. When they need help they turn their cups up. You might alternate classroom helpers to assit you if someone needs help. You can also pick one of the trouble makers be your assistant for the day. That gets them more involved and makes them feel important and cared about. Works really well with ADHD students. Writing questions down on slips of papers and putting them in a basket is also a quiet way to share ideas and answer questions.

There are lots of ways, but It's important to establish rules and relationships. Let them write the rules for the class, then vote as a class the 5 best ones. . If they know you value their opionions by giving them ownership they will like you a lot more, and behave better.

If they continue to mess up, dismiss them from the project and follow through.

It sounds like you have a lot going for you! You have a great profession, understanding boss and supportive boyfriend.

I have been out of work since last October from teaching bc of my accident and health, with fibro issues. I know it's going to be hard working full time again, and teaching' ain't easy. Lol

Hope this helps some. Good luck and let us know ow you make out!

Post edited by: Julzy, at: 04/26/2012 11:59 AM

Post edited by: Julzy, at: 04/26/2012 12:02 PM

Yup, this student has some type of complex. I have really tried to reach out, said we have a great biofeedback center on campus and go meditate and take a nap, that I have anxiety so I get it... She has an issue with boundaries. She is finally talking to me today. My boss apparently talked about the probability of the girl student being moved from the Ph.D track to getting a master degree. A few days after that discussion, this student reports our manager to the chair of the department and says she is afraid to come to work and he creates a "hostile" environment. I find the timing funny. My manager is the boss' husband, so is this student trying to stir up sh*t all because she is angry about the possibility that she is not going to make it on the Ph.D. track? Jeeeez. That is nobody's fault but her own. We have nudged. We meet weekly and tell her what to do. I have done everything short of moving her hands around to make her do the work LOL

I have always had a reputation of being friendly with students I have worked with or taught, and even with this combative student. I have only raised my voice twice in my professional career--once when a student wouldn't get out of the laboratory after being defiant and saying harsh things and another time at a student who cheated and proceeded to lie to me. I have dealt with cheating, plagiarism, students coming to lab intoxicated and starting fires... Man, I should write a book LOL

I was able to get my pain under control to the point I could at least drive a car yesterday morning, so I went in to talk to my boss and manager. I couldn't ask for nicer people to work for: They had a game plan for flares, said to even take more time off if I needed it, they are not docking me for paid time off, and the manager will train under me so that he can keep research at a continuum if this happens again. Essentially, I will be the brains and he will be the muscle.

They both recognize that the stress compounded on other stress is what lead to my panic attacks and pain. I admit, I am still trying to get the pain to a place where it normally sits.

So, going forward, who knows what will happen. I continue to live by my motto which is to control what I can control and let the rest go.

I am encouraged at work to go slow, to take about a week to map out what needs to be done, and to not exacerbate my symptoms.

My boss values me and wants me around as long as I can. I admit that I like this job because it does keep my brain ticking. The brain doesn't always tick at 100% but that's okay

The upside of all of this is that I can quit in the future if I decide that this is too much. For now, I am looking at the positive. Hopefully the pain subsides.