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01/26/2008 19:03
wifeandmom
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 Once heck of a crappy day I gotta admit. It started out good, I slept in but I gotta say that it wasn't a restful sleep last night because the hubby was snoring horribly loud, I'm surprised he's not bruised because I kept kicking him to get him to stop. Well I was up before he was so I let him sleep until he got up, thought I was being nice.

Well he finally gets up and starts bitching at me because I'm on the computer, what does it matter if you were asleep and you just got up, was I hurting anyone....no I don't think so So instead of finishing what I was doing I shut the computer down and put it aside while he continued to berate me and make me feel like I had killed someone. I of course started crying so he started yelling at me more and said that I was crying over the computer, which of course is not why I was crying. So at that point I really didn't want anything to do or say to him. The kids of course watched and listened to this the whole time, they kept asking me if I was ok.

You know I'm really tired of his going from being nice and understanding to berating me and making me feel like dog do on his shoes. I have been having a hard time with the pain lately which doesn't make me an especially happy person, who would be if they were in the amount of pain I am in.

I have been feeling really down lately and am just so tired of things. This place is the only thing that is keeping me going. I have been having some seriously bad thoughts. To me I feel as if he would be better off with me and the kids would be better if they didn't have a mother who couldn't do what she used to. I would at least not be in pain anymore. It's a good thing that I don't have any med's available because I'm sure I'd be more tempted to handle things. I don't have anyone in which I can talk to about this and not be judged so I feel like I'm falling further and further down the hole and it doesn't help that he is always griping at me for one reason or another.

I hate the person that I have become, I don't feel like I'm a good mom because I can't do the simplist things for them or go places that they like to go because I can't walk for long. Heck I walked to the mailbox and I paid for it. I can't keep a house like I used to because I can only do things for so long before I gotta sit down and take a long break. It's just so frustrating and I have just been feeling that everyone would be better off if they didn't have to deal with me since it seems that I am nothing but a burden

:*Ramie*:
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01/26/2008 20:29
singingangel
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 It is hard to adjust to the new you. I got fibro bad when my kids were little. They learned what i could do. i got people to help me take them places but they knew I loved them. They will understand. You can always pm me. I knowthis is a frustrating thing. We must hang in for our family. Feel better. I know your hubby was not kind. He probably doesnt sleep welll if he snores. He probably has sleep apnea. Anyay, you can vent here or to me. hugs
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01/26/2008 21:40
TeainTN
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 wife and mom I"m so sorry for what you are going through. I know many others here know what you are feeling. You are doing the BEST you can do. that is all we can ask of anyone.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel -- but it's a train about to run over you.


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01/26/2008 23:36
kychick
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 wife and mom I have been where you are at,and I had so much to say that I sent you a pm. Just know that i am here for you and i understand and it will get better,one way or another.
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01/27/2008 01:17
Maggie

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 wifeandmom, don't give up and whatever you do don't try to take the easy way out. It will only hurt your family and everyone who loves you. I know. I tried to go that route back in November. I ended up in a psych hospital for 5 days, put on suicide watch for 3 of those days, and couldn't shower, dress, eat or walk the halls without someone by my side. I realized in my time there that suicide is not the cure. I hurt my family deeply. Thank God my husband was very supportive as was my daughter and one son....2 other sons had a hard time dealing with it but eventually they came around. I blame myself in a way for not really expressing to my family the intense pain I am always in....I always tried to put up a front when they were around. Only my hub and daughter really knew the extent of my pain. I am doing much better now in dealing with the pain but like everyone else here there are still days that the thought of just ending it all still enters my mind. But all I have to do is look back to those 5 days and know I will never, ever try to do what I did again. I took over 50 Xanax and instead of being pumped out the ER doctors had me drink an enormous cup of liguid charcoal. I vomitted for 3 days and also had to wear an adult diaper because I just never knew when something would come from that end...I hope I don't offend anyone by this but I am just telling it like it was so that you can understand the big mistake you would be making. Sorry for rambling and may God Bless you and may his angels watch over you. Like my daughter told me "Pick up the phone and call someone even if it is a neighbor".
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01/27/2008 03:20
Snoopy30
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 wifeandmom,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now. You definately don't need the added stress. with all the finacial issues going on as well maybe hubby is feeling inadequate because his family is in need and he's not able to make that right. Male ego can be difficult to deal with at times( no offense to any of the men on this sight) I'm not saying that excuses him for treating you that way but it could be a part of his own frustrations and just as your feeling you are not the wife and mom you used to be maybe he is feeling he's not the husband, father, and provider he used to be. Please try and sit down and talk this through with him. Maybe bring up the subject of therapy for the two of you. there are alot of therapist that work on a sliding scale meaning they adjust to what you can afford. Your children need there mom desperately take it from someone who lost her mother at the age of 13. Your children need you.
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01/27/2008 06:32
ilovepetey1
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 wifeandmom, you are sooo not alone with your thought. Please know that I have been exactly there for about two weeks now and cant seem to snap out of the down cycle. I was saying yes, yes, yes, to every sentence. I just wish I had an answer. As far as thinking your family would be better off without you, I get that feeling whenever I get really low but I brought it up to my kids last week, they are 23 & 26 , I said that I didn't want to cause them any more pain by watching me go thru the daily struggle. Here is what they replied, You are our mom, and we love you and we need you here no matter what condition you are in... As far as the husband goes, I'm stuck. I'm living with my 3rd and I still don't have any advice on how to break through the barrier. It just gets too exhausting sometimes and I end up shutting him out and just relying on my kids and friends to lean on. Every time my husband and I get into it he ends up turning things around to himself and doing the " poor me, you dont know what its like for me" I also hate the person Ive become. Are your kids old enough to hear whats in their heads? Its amazing to hear. Its never what you think.

I hear you and give you lots of thoughts,

leslie
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01/27/2008 06:57
desertmom54
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 Ramie and Leslie, I was reading ramies post and thought how can this man be so heartless but then I remember I use to be married to one like that, Im on my 2nd hubby and I have to tell you they broke the mold when they made him, he totaly gets it and I love him more everyday for it. He goes with me to my doctor appointments and he sits and listens to me when Im feeling bad, Now Ladies please please get those thoughts out of your head, your children will miss you and I will miss you but first I would have to come and kick your A** for thinking this way. I can tell you this but not myself. Iam there. I have been there many times.I was there this past friday and ended up calling my doctor and my friend and my husband at work, he wanted to know if I wanted him to come home . I did but told him no because we realy need the money to pay bills with. Listen to me if we can help each other isnt that what we are here for? I live in New Mexico, Where do you all live can I see if I can find someone close by to come and give you in person support. If not I will call you myself and we will talk as long as you want I dont care. I have unlimited long distance. Im offering my services to you for free because I love all of you and I know just what you are going through. I know I feel better when I can just have someone to talk to. Im in as much pain as yall, the bad thing is I have no pain receptors and am trying to get the meds I need but my insurance wont pay the $190.00 a month for it and I dont have the money to do it. Please PM me and give me your phone number and I promise I will try and give you the support you need, isnt that why we are here. I love all of you, Judy in NM

Post edited by: sweetheartsuzee, at: 01/28/2008 09:45
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01/27/2008 07:54
ilovepetey1
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 I just wrote a huge paragraph and it just went POOF- gone. Boy, that does nothing for you. I cant type it again. I dont even remember what I typed anymore.

hugs to everyone today,

leslie
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01/27/2008 08:02
Maggie

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 Petey that happened to me recently also. Like you I forgot what I had typed. Is that what is called "Fibro Fog"?

I hope everyone has a pain-free day.
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