Fibromyalgia Support Group

this has nothing to do with my fibro..directly... I just got off the phone with my father he lives in tampa fl and is dying of lung cancers .. that is why i went to visit him in October so we could see each other and spend time while he was still doing well...he is having more bad days then good ddays but like me never complains about what he has and try to be as norma as possible...So he called to ask me if he could send a form out to me so i can be put on his checking account so in case anything happens i can write checks for his bills and such... sure Dad no problem... so he is sending the form..Yay

Then he proceeds to tell me that my stellar brother messaged him on facebook Saying he thought there relationship had turn the corner and that my father never calls him(ahh insert he is dying here)and that he thought he had changed and but i guess not and I guess he brought me and my children into the conversation (this is wing that he will not there dad got mad) and was being judgemental and comparing me and my life with my fathers etcec.. Dad said Who the hell is he and what right does he have to judge other people and there lives... My brother continued on say He will not raise his kid the way he was raised or the way i am raising mine..(insert anger here by my father who is dying) I had to literally stay calm and calm my father down because when he gets upset he cant breathe... so we calmly spoke about this.. and i had asked if he had responded..you(me) he said no and after talking with you everything makes sense.. now he understands why i dont speak to my mother or my brother or his wife... the tories i could tel would raise the hair on the back of your neck.. anyways.. He said he is not going to play 5 yr old games.. that it is his progotive and that he will always love him and he cant change the past..(he was a drunk and he knows it) but he is not playing childish games and one day he will regret everything he has said and one day will be judged by a bigger man then he (god himself) so... here is where i vent to all of you...Are people really that assholish that they cant call there friggin father that is dying.. or jut leave him be if you dont want to talk to him mst you have to say such nasty things....I have me my brother and 2 half sisters one is my fathers child and one is my mothers child... so my father has 3 children and from what i gather from him and his fiend Dea is that i am the only one that talks to him regularly and treats him like a human being...sad the one that was mad at him the most and told him so way back when a few times... is the one that forgives and helps him go to his next journey in life... the other 2 who berated me for telling him off dont want anthing to do wih him bt i am sure they will want his memorablia he has( my father is not rich but has so cool things)non of which i could care less about lol...I told my father when i went down when he asked if i wanted anything i said to him i want nothing but the policeman i made you when i was 8 that no one has touched but him since i gave it to him he said you can take it now if you want i said dad you enjoy it .. i will get it later i am in no rush for it.. but i am glad you still have it.. i guess he shows it off to everyone lol..oh well.. at least i will not have any regrets when he parts from thi world...so sad the other 2 will... he wasnt a great father but he is a sick man very sorry for his past.. but the past is the past.. and now is now..this is what i mean guys live life make memories... so there is no regrets.. thanks for listening i feel better lol.. hug and love

I'm brand new to the group, but I'm going to reply here because I can relate to this, too. I lost my Dad to colon cancer 5 years ago, also not a perfect man but owned his mistakes and tried not to repeat them (that, to me, is the real hard work of life). I have several siblings, but one of my sisters and one of my brothers were not there for the illness (15 weeks) or when he died. My sister blames me cuz I was there and hasn't spoken to me since. Whatever-her issue. The only thing you can do is make sure you have no regrets yourself. Your brother has to live with his own crap. I held my Dad's hand and kissed his temple at his last heartbeat. The last words we said to each other were "I love you". I am forever grateful that I have that memory, instaed of sister's regrets.

Welcome mamarox...

Adewyn - we all have pasts and baggage... we will be judged for thta when it's our time... our duty in the physical life is to do the right thing... be able to forgive... as long as you are good with your choices and decisions you are good.. you can't change what others think... they are the way they are...some hold grudges, some don't... everyone is different... your father is lucky to have you for his daughter..

Yes, Adewyn, In answer to your question...Ppl are horrible, and it seems to come out completely when someone is dying, or has already passed. Yes, you can believe that when the time comes, those who didn't have anything to do with him will come running to see what they can get. It is so shameful and so awful, but it happens. It happened in my family when my gfather died, and I was aghast as how they acted, like they were entitled to his stuff regardless of their relationship. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this during this hard enough time. I'm sorry that your dad is slipping away from you, but be happy that you forgave him, and now have a relationship with him. Those that don't will be standing there looking like fools, and you can hold your head high and know that you did the right thing. HUGS

Also, welcome mamarox! We would love for you to introduce yourself and tell us a little about you! You have come to the right place. HUGS

Sorry that you have such an ugly family. I've never understood people who can't try to make ammends. However, your brother is hurting himself the most. While your father is obviously and understandably upset(and shouldn't be forced to be upset now especially since he's changed and asked for forgiveness), your brother is the one holding onto the hate that will eventually eat him up and missing out on time he can't get back. So all in all I pity your brother because he's making his life much more burdensome than it needs to be. I'm glad and proud of your dad for changing and admitting his faults.

welcome mamarox...thank you all.. i knoweverything you say is right.. andi know he just doesnt need it... and you are all right in the fact that my siblings oth of them will regret the way they treated him...funy thing is i know if anyone trys to come and claim anything after he is gone.. i know i wont haveto say a thing... Dea his best friend down there will rip them a new one lol.. she has been taking care of my father since he got sick a coupe of years ago and has been friends with him for 15 years... if anyone is entitled to anything it is that one right there... and i will don anything in my power to make sure she is taken care of ...but god help anyone that shows up lol to claim anything lol...just waiting on the call.. from either dad or dea to go down and be with him till the end...he knows its coming he is preparing..I sent out some homemade cupcakes for him yesterday...he loved the cookies over christmas lol.. i know he hasnt had homemade anything in years so Dea said he was over the top happy when he got the cookies.. so i am sure he will love the cupcakes...also found out my best friend shalimar has a brain tumor and will be going for surgery... we are waiting to find that date out her sister died 4 years ago of brain tumor that was cancerous and we are waiting to find out if its the same thing...gonna be on of those years lol.. busy busy busy

you know Adweyn sadly your vent is not unusaul,death dying and forgiveness,add in bitterness and selfishness..

your father was not perfect and had his ways but has in his life relised it and has tried to be better for it, you found that blessing with him and were able to see a diffrent man,the past is the past the present is where we live,input brother here,he is a right fighter wants to be right no matter what the cost instead of trying to put the past where it is he livess in it and in the anger from it,there is no change for people who hold on to the anger,and I am sure your father speaks to him in hopes of one good talk to take to his grave,death is final your brother wont get what he needs from it I feel sorry for him,and proud of you to see the father in his imperfections as the man he is now..I will tell you from exsperiance that when he does pass it will be alot of anger for you because though he is not a rich man he will have his stuff fought for,so sad.you will have the feeling of your brother not deserving aq piece of dust.take your police man and know that your Dad kept a preciouse gift you gave him and was so proud of it he had it all these years..my prayers are with your father at this time..does he have someone helping him? love you

Post edited by: broken, at: 01/24/2012 06:28 AM

Adewyn, I have read your post. Right now I have to get my thoughs together because what I have to say will get me banned from the site. I will be back though, after I think of words that can be accepted. There is one are two in every family. Even mind as close as we are. I may just PM you, which may be best. Love ya, you just do what you have to do and forget the others. I know it hurts even if we try to overlook things. There has to be love from your father to you. Out of all these years he still can but his hand on what you made him back in the days.

I have a simular family situation reguarding my dad who passed this last april. I thank God that I spent time fishing with him 2 xs a year the past 3 years. I will cherish the memories forever. My mom and 2 brothers are the more materialistic ones. I tell my mom that "It's just stuff and relationships are more important than the stuff." Take the policeman you gave your dad and keep it in a special place so you know it won't disappear or get lost. Don't let others short comings cause you an extreme amt of anger, it's not good for you. I know it's hard to control, but believe me I have been there the past 8 mos. It's hard enough to loose a parent, you don't need more hurt and pain to go with the loss of a loved one. All families seem to have at least one type of dysfunction and you cannot change others, you can change the way you react to them. My prayers are with you at a time that is so difficult. Big gentle hugs and prayers are being sent your way.

Hang in there and do what is right for you....they will do what they are comfortable with...they may regret it or not, who knows, but you will have no regrets and how you feel about your choices in life is the most important thing...

Gentle hugs...