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01/20/2009 10:36 AM

Why are people so unwilling to learn

geni
geni  
Posts: 167
Member

My husband made the HUGE mistake of informing me that everyone has pain but not everyone feels the need to whine about it all the time. Is murder still illegal? lol I have had several other issues on top of my FMS. I had my tubal the day after x-mas and had some bad after affects with my bowels etc. Which of course I already have IBS. I ended up going to the ER and finding out I was impacted so that treatment has not been fun. I have bulging discs in my back. Just several things going on. Yet I still force myself to get up and function. I am ready to strangle him because he makes me feel like he don't want to understand or flat out don't care. At times I think he gets it but don't admit it because he don't want to help pick up any slack with the house and family. It is taking it's toll on my marriage at this point. The arrogant comments and the uncalled for jokes are really getting to me! SORRY I REALLY NEEDED TO VENT TO SOMEONE WHO HAS A CLUE HOW I FEEL....AND GIVES A DAMN AS WELL!!! xxxxx to all
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01/20/2009 11:17 AM
Iknowpain
Iknowpain  
Posts: 1841
Senior Member

I am so sorry. My husband made that assinine coment once and only once years ago. Let me tell you how I handled it. First I not only stopped whining I stopped talking perion. I also went on strike. I did what I had to, went to work, took care of the kids etc., But I completely stopped doing all the extra things for him. I didn't cook or clean up after him. I didn't do his laundry I did nothing. I made sure my needs and those of my kids were met, but he was SOL. I can't remember exactly how long it took because as I said it was years ago, but let me tell you he did not like it. IT gave him a new appreciation for me and it opened up the communication between us. I guess he figured if that comment made me that mad then maybe there was something to my pain. It also made him realize all I was doing for him at the time. When we started talking I explained to him that yes everyone has pain, but not everyone has unending pain from their toes to their heads day in and day out. I asked him to tell me where he hurt at that given moment and after listening to his list I gave him mine. I also asked questions about is pain. What number, how often, what helps and so on and explained mine to him. Only you will know if this is something that you can do in your marraige and I hope it helps, but at least you know you are not alone. Keep venting. I hope things get better for you. BTW my husband is now incredable and he does everything. I am alot worse then I was then and through the years he has picked up more of my slack. He is my greatest ally. I don't know what I would do without him, so there is hope.

01/20/2009 12:02 PM
amommy02
amommy02  
Posts: 1891
Senior Member

Iknowpain, I like your approach. I've been very tempted to try it myself. Maybe I should.

geni, I've had the same comment made to me. Just keep reminding yourself that anyone who makes such a comment is speaking out of ignorance.


01/20/2009 12:33 PM
Iknowpain
Iknowpain  
Posts: 1841
Senior Member

It worked for me. My husband knew I had medical issues when he met me, so I was not about to put up with that crap.

01/20/2009 12:34 PM
geni
geni  
Posts: 167
Member

Thank you and I may give it a shot. I don't "baby" him like I used to as much. He has began dressing himself....that would be funny if I were joking. I used to lay out his clothes and everything....showering...layed out his towel and washclothe etc. I think I will take your advice. I have went on strike before but it was to the extreme and I ended up having to catch up on everything alone. However I have not done this just where he is concerned. Thanks will let ya know how it goes. xxx

01/20/2009 12:39 PM
geni
geni  
Posts: 167
Member

This is true ignorance is bliss. I keep trying to shove medical facts down his throat but he pays little attention. A couple months ago he ended up in the hospital with an infection clear through his bloodstream. It was from ruptured ulcers. He wasn't even aware that he had ulcers. He got so sick I literally had to wipe his hind end, shower him, clean up vomit and take him to the ER. They said he could have died that night had I not got him there. I took care of him in the hospital as much as I could. Took care of him when he got home. But how quickly his has forgotten all that. I would suggest he gets one of those med~alert things for around his neck because the way I am feeling right now .....I would leave him lying on the floor and force feed him jalepenos then tell him to take it like a man everyone gets sick...they don't all cry about it....lmao....I am not that mean...only in my thoughts not my actions....lol xxx

01/20/2009 02:02 PM
Janilee

Hi geni, Welcome to our fibro family. SOunds like you were a stepford wife for a bit. LOL I used to do that for my 1st husband. Oh he was a jerk. Left me to die because he wanted the life insurance money. (long ago, doesn't matter now cause he's been an ex since 73)

Any how, I'm glad you got your hubby to the hosp in time. Maybe he realizes that he might have died and this his his way of paying you back. My hubby is a dream now that he realizes I have limitations. I love building things and doing things with my hubby. It makes us closer. He lets me do things myself if I so choose but takes over with a "why don't you sit down and rest for awhile" when he can see me overdoing it..

Where is Lancaster Ohio? I'm in NW Ohio about 60miles south of Toledo.


01/20/2009 02:40 PM
bc1028
bc1028  
Posts: 3383
Senior Member

Eventhough my husband helps out alot, he will still from time to time make comments, I know that he is just stressed like I am from everything but it does not take away the feelings that he hurts. He always apologized but you still remember what he said. I always make sure that when he is not feeling good and thinks that if he has a cold and cannot get out of the bed for a week, that I remind him of all the things that I do everyday eventhough I do not feel well.

The worst thing that he used to do that would drive me crazy when we first got married was if he got a little cold (like the sniffles) he would go to bed and tell people that he was "sick as a dog." Well, after 19 years, I think that I have broken that.

My point is that men cannot take as much as women can (if there are guys out there sorry,I don't mean to insult) but we do have the ability to keep going. The men get stressed out if we cannot pull out weight around the house because they are not conditioned to handle it. If he sees me something small sometimes when I am having a bad day maybe like folding towels, he does not feel like the weight of the world is on his shoulders and he is more that happy to do most of the other stuff. He just needs a little something to show that we are still in this together and after a few minutes he will tell me to sit and rest that I have done enough and he will continue on.

I think I may be going on to much now, I seem to be awful tired, I think I may need a nap. I am not sure if am even making sense.

Barbara


01/20/2009 03:00 PM
Iknowpain
Iknowpain  
Posts: 1841
Senior Member

Ok first let me apologize to all the men because I am sure how I am about to say will insult at least some of you. I am sorry bc1028, but I think men don't have the ability to cope is a copout. I think that men certainly have the ability, but like to have someone to lean on. In all fairness I can say the same about women. I think everyone reacts not only differently to pain, but to different types of pain as well. My husband does tend to be a baby with any type of sinus issue whatsoever. On the other hand he walked around for 10 without even seeing a doctor with 3 bulging discs that temporarily paralyzed him after a car accident. He was 16 when it happened and they recommended surgery, but his dad for various reasons did not ok the surgery. He worked 12 hour shifts 6 days a week and then came home and took care of things around the house. He never even mentioned his back and I would have to pry informtaion out of him and all but beg him to take a day off. There are many men out there who are single dads and getting through just fine without us to pick up the slack. My husbands dad raised 2 sons on his own. When it comes to pain they handle it differently but I think they are capable of handleing it when need be. I have my types of pain that turn me into a wimpering, non functional baby. Migraines are my worst. Anyway I am sorry but this is my opinion I will step off my soapbox now and I am glad to hear that your husband helps you. There are good men out there.

01/20/2009 05:36 PM
mcbeth
mcbeth  
Posts: 1559
Senior Member

Hello Geni and welcome to the group.

There are some pits around here where we can dump the bodyWink Whistling

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