this is a little lengthy, but i tried to post it in my diary and i couldn't, so here is my story:
January 9th, oh January 9th…. My husband had hernia surgery yesterday. Funny actually, because of my “work relationship” I couldn’t be there. He acted as if he was completely ok with me not being there because he understood. I felt horrible, faught back tears the whole day at work. We are a young couple and it’s not even that, but he was there for me through every little thing that I have been through. Every emergency room trip, the entire miscarriage, he never left my side at either hospital stay, he’s always been there. He’s the same way with our son. Then he has to have something done (which he never does---- he is generally healthy as heck), and I couldn’t be there.
…I couldn’t be there. How is that supposed to make me feel about my work? Then my husband asked me to please try to stay home with him today because I take better care of him than anyone else…I’ve been there. So I asked my work if they could take my PTO time out of my accrual, because they do. As of Monday I will have a day to take off, but they would let me. So I couldn’t be there. I did, however, have to run home to take care of him and then come back. …
Of course, last night after the anestethia, he let me know how he couldn’t believe that I didn’t take him to the hospital and how he really needs me to take care of him (today).
On another note…
I feel really good today. I’m not sure if it is because I took one of my husband’s percocet’s and he took one of my vicodin’s or what. I think the precocet last’s a lot longer. I woke up today at a bright 6:18 a.m. after I took my sleeping pill last night, I finally fell asleep at 1 a.m., but the important part is that when I woke up, I actually woke up…ready for the day, not groggy and tired and hurting.
So, hopefully (fingers crossed), my flare up is over.
My 7 (8 in 9 days) noticed my “Fibromyalgia for Dummies” book this morning. I heard his dad explaining to him that Fibromyalgia is something only Dummies get so that is why it is titled that…lol. I got a good laugh when my son said, well then why is mom reading it because she is not a dummy!!! My husband is a jokester he always has a caddy remark before he tells the truth, and I love him for that, we all laugh a lot more. Then he explained that Fibromyalgia is a disease that I have and that book is written for people who do not know much about it so they can understand. So when I went home today for a brief moment. My son said, “Mom how’s your Sibiology today” I said biology what, he said that stuff you have that Sibiology you are studying…lol……kids are funny. He’s very articulate too so it isn’t often that I can catch him in saying a word wrong.
So, I’m having to consider Bankruptcy. That scares the crap out of me, because I work in lending. I see no way out though. My health has impacted our finances exponentially and it has been going on for an entire year. We pay almost $800.00 per month out to credit cards. We can’t do it anymore!!!!! I’m sure we will probably have to put our child in public school because the BR court probably won’t understand how we can afford private school although they would never understand that his tuition is cheaper than B/A school care.
Amazingly despite the fact that there are a lot of days I can’t get out of bed, the fact that I now realize I cannot make future commitments because I do not know if I can follow through, I still am keeping a positive outlook. I’ve lost a lot this year. I lost a child (unborn), I lost my life, I lost my ability to have more children (which I wanted deeply), but I’ve gained more than I’ve lost. I’ve gained a sort of unspoken stronger bond with my family, I know now that they will be there, especially my husband, through sickness and healthy. I’ve learned that he understands more than I give him credit for and empathizes more than I tend to think sometimes. I’ve learned that he is incredibly dedicated to me and our family. I’ve learned that I can no longer take any day for granted. Each day that I have with my child, with my life, with anyone, is a day that I must be thankful for and use accordingly. I’ve learned that there are a lot of things that I CAN put of until tomorrow because if tomorrow never comes, then they wouldn’t matter. The mundane tasks of life, do not matter when there is no tomorrow, and because of that I’ve learned what matters. It’s not my finances, or how nice my house is, it’s life ..life in general. I’ve always known this, it was not a sudden epiphany but life in this last year, has forced me to not only “know” it, but embrace it and fully understand it. Because of my illness, I will have a better life.
