Fibromyalgia Support Group

Hey everyone,

I hope you are all well, or at least as well as you can be.

Sorry that I went off the radar for a bit, things have been really hard recently and I have been in what I call 'shut down mode.' It kind of involves me not talking to anyone,not leaving the house except to smoke excessively. I start to drinking again (I am a functioning addict, have been for years but have never really dealt with it, going through councelling now to try and deal with my inner demons which are part of the reason I drink...) Anyway, so I started drinking and it got to the point where I was getting wasted, and it was so I could forget everything and everyone, but really I didnt want to forget everyone and now I am forgetting things that i didnt want to forget and i cant get that back.

As some of you know, my fibro has been really bad recently, and it is only getting worse because of my drinking, thanks to my own stupidity I have been forgetting to take some of my meds and changing my fent patches which has completly screwed up my pain relief, and now I can hardly move out of my bed, I'm not answering the phone to anyone, I have no job(been made redundant) and have no desire to find one (my old job was somewhere i called my safe place, I could go there and i could just be me, no judgements and i felt safe there and no its gone, i have no safe place anymore, no place i can go and just be me and if i need to cry or laugh i can do that and i know the people there wont judge as we were all like family, we all hd stuff going on and we helped each other through it).

So far this year, the man that did some pretty nasty things to me and played a big part in screwing up my life when i was younger, who i then fell in love with as i got older (f*cked up i know) and who i thought was dead, turned up out of the blue not dead, because i was getting myself in trouble, so much so i could have been really hurt if he didnt come when he did to help me. When he came back i knew he was sick, he had AIDS, and hadnt been taking any meds (didnt believe in them crazy fool that he was) so i knew we didnt have long, he told me the dr said 9 months. Seeing him again was the most wonderful thing, my heart skipped a beat and I smiled, i mean REALLY smiled like i had never smiled in such a long time, he made me laugh and told me that i shouldnt want to change anything in my life as it made me the truely wonderful and special perosn that i was today - he made me feel special for once and that was great.

He then proposed, and because of our history (and none of my family know about him or my history) we did a commitment ceremony and it was beautiful, he bought me a new dress, he wore a suit it was really romantic. A few days later he rapidly deteriorated and i found out he was in kidney failure and he only had weeks not months left. Long story short, he asked me to go to mexico with him as thats where he wanted to die, then loads of rubbish happened with my health and work so he said he was going to go without me, I thought I had convinced him to change his mind, and when i left his to go to work we said goodbye, and a few hours later i got a text saying he had left. He killed himself a few days later, he couldnt deal with people looking after him.

My crohns dr has said that all the pain i have been suffering from doesnt think its my crohns but something called sphincter of oddi dysfunction, and i may have had it for 7 years and due to my last gastro been a complete ar*e (he told me that the pain was all in my head and i was crazy) but my new crohns dr has said if he had listened to me and it is this i could have been helped years ago. He did miss a test result that came back 6 years ago saying that i wasnt absorbing bile properly, but he didnt do anything with the result, and instead of getting treatment my results sat in the back of my file.

So now i am playing the waiting game, i am waiting to see my new fibro dr in london, waiting to have a pick line fitted as my veins are screwed, waiting to have a capsule endoscopy, waiting to see my crohns dr again, waiting to get my redundancy money through, waiting to see how long it takes before the 'sticky tape and glue' that i am just about holding myself together with stops working and i fall apart.

Sorry for the long randomness, i just needed to get some things out of my head, and i wanted to apologise for disappering - its something i'm really good at

Muchos love and healing hugs to you all

xxx

OH dear lady, I'm so sorry that things have been horrible lately for you. I can't imagine all you have been through and wish you the best. Please message me if you need to talk and know that we are here for you. I love this place and there are so many people that understand what we go through day to day. Take care of yourself and never apologize for disappearing. We all have bad days, weeks, months and we all know that sometimes you just don't want to be around anyone. I will be praying and thinking of you and hoping for you to get some relief. Keep us updated and remember if you need anything, just ask...

I will keep you in my prayers. I'm sorry your life is so messed up. Please come to vent anytime you want and I hope you feel better soon. Sorry for your loss. I lost someone April 11th so I know how you feel. I went into his bedroom and found him dead. It is never easy to lose someone you love but it is in God's hands and he is in a better place. Take care. Eileen

babysquash,

I am so very sorry for your loss. Please know that we are here for you when you want to vent and talk. I hope that you will be okay in time. Don't give up and just take life 1 moment at a time. I will keep you in my prayers.

Poor darling, you have had too much to deal with. I hope the Lord takes some of your burdens from your shoulders and provides you comfort and solace. You are in my thoughts and prayers as well. I ditto what Janell, Eileen and Princess Butterfly say and add that this is your time to heal and focus on your grief and healing. I wish for you better days ahead.

Oh, my, sweet friend! It sounds like you have had your cup, as well as your plate overfilling & haven't been able to catch a break. I'm so very sorry to read of all the issues you have had going on in your life. I will most deffinitely be praying for you. And never appologize for randomness or long posts. That's what were here for! you hang in there & if there is anything at all that we can do, please don't hesitate to give us a shout out. if you would like to talk privately, please feel free to send a pm. Keeping you in my continuous thoughts & prayers. <3

Sweetheart, I am so sorry that you have had so much to deal with. When I get totally overwhelmed I try to put myself into five minute mode. I don't think about anything except getting through the next five minutes. It helps me to contain the emotions that are going haywire,

You are in my prayers, and please know that you are not alone. We are all here for you.

Love and gentle hugs.

Faerie

Thank you all of you for your kind words and support, they really do help. I will be honest, things are incredibly difficult at the moment and I am not sure how I still keep going at the moment, I just want to run away. The only thing that is stopping me from running is the fact I have a really good friend of mine that needs my help right now and I can't abandon her.

Eileen - I am so sorry for your own loss, you will be in my thoughts and prayers too.

I am finding the hardest thing of all is I am forgetting some of the important things, like what his laugh sounded like, and what his favourite colour was and I can't remember, mr dr says it is partly my fibro fog and it is partly because of all of my self destructive behaviour, with all the drinking I am losing my memories and the only person I can talk to about him is out in Mexico and I dont want to lose anymore memories. When he went hime to die he didnt tell his family about me, his words to his friend (the one that is still out there-he went with him to look after him, he has been caring for him for years) was that he went home to get his family's forgiveness and to be accepted back into the fold, and he couldnt face telling them that he had 'married' a self destructive, depressive, functioning addict, whore - as you can imagine this did wonders for my self esteem, and I am struggling to grieve as I am still so angry, but at the same time I hurt all the time and I am exhausted all the time its becoming harder to do anything.

It is now at the point where I just want to give up but I am too tired to do that too.

mary xxx

Don't give up Mary. You do matter and just know that if you need to talk or vent or whatever u need you can message me and I will try to be helpful to you. Please just take life 1 moment at a time. "This too shall pass"

Thank you PrincessButterfly, you are very kind. One of my friends who knows what is happening at the moment came over to my house today and we sat in her car for an hour and just talked and it helped a bit, she told me how important I was to her, how I was her rock and how I gave her the stength to believe in herself again when she didnt have the strength too, and she told me that she wasnt going to give up on me.

I am not good at talking to people, I find it hard, I have spent so many years keeping everything locked up inside I never felt safe enough to be able to talk to anyone until recently when I found a few really good friends who are now like family and I found this place. Some days are easier than others for me too talk, like the last few days my head is pounding, my neck is killing me and my photosensitivity is worse than normal and thats ontop of my fibro and crohns both playing havoc with me, and because it hurts so bad I cant take anymore, and I cant keep anything else locked up inside so I am able to talk or to write (if that makes any sense to anyone?)

Thank you again, all of you are so kind xxx