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03/09/2011 08:10 PM

How marriage makes it through fibro

gulfcrest
gulfcrest  
Posts: 116
Member

So my husband and I have had our fair share of problems since I was diagnosed with fibro 5 yrs ago. I am 37, we have 12,10, 6 yr olds and the stress of raising three kids was hard enough. Since then, I've had to quit my job in real estate and through our lives changing and resentment pulling us apart things were really bad until nov of this year. Since we've decided to make some real changes about how to handle this illness together, things have been great! He has been going to the doc with me when he can, bringing my meds in bed 30 min before its time to get the kids up for school in morning, educating himself on fibro, and I've started trying more to do everything I can to be as healthy as I can with his encouragment instead of frustration. I was just wondering if there are others out there having same fibro marital problems?
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03/10/2011 09:02 AM
galleygoddess
galleygoddess  
Posts: 113
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I've been very blessed to have an understanding family since day one. I'll say it, Fibro runs in my family. My Mom and my sister also have it. I've been quite the handfull over the past three years starting with my breaking my neck almost three years ago then the beginning symptoms of the chronic pain. Both my husband and my son have keyed in on when I'm having my really bad days. They kick in to high alert. So much to the point that they ask "Have you taken your meds yet? If not, take them and rest so they can kick in!"

The only real problem we're having is the frustration between hubby and I is that I've had zip, nilch, nada, no labido. I know it can be a side effect of medication. I also think that psychologically I fear being in more pain just due to the rigerous psychical activity that it intails. Sad to say, but true. I keep telling him it's not him, it's truly me. I'm hoping we can work on this! Sad

Cheers,

Galley

Post edited by: galleygoddess, at: 03/10/2011 09:07 AM

Post edited by: galleygoddess, at: 03/10/2011 09:08 AM


03/11/2011 08:21 PM
gulfcrest
gulfcrest  
Posts: 116
Member

Had some similar sideeffects from cymbalta. I miss the way it helped with fibro pain, but don't miss the sexual sideeffect. Gonna ask my doc about savella. My hubby glad off cymbalta, he calls it the "i don't give a shit" meds, lol.

03/11/2011 08:53 PM
kellylynn
kellylynn  
Posts: 239
Member

gulfcrest, i can relate to you, I have been with my now fiance for 10 years.I got sick with fibro and sjogrens syndrome at the same time about 5 yrs ago so i was either 29 or 30. I asked him the other day why he thinks our relationship has lasted when so many other people i know who have chronic pain relationships haven't. I cant do all the things we use to enjoy. He told me he just ignores it because there is nothing he can do to fix it. At first it kind of hurt my feelings but then i realized that is how he copes. It must be frustrating for him as well, when i have to cancel plans. We have 4 kids between us and one of those we have together, so i know how they wear you out physically and emotionally. But some how we make it through. well i can go on and on but i better stop now. Kellylynn

03/12/2011 04:33 AM
Vadlor
Vadlor  
Posts: 94
Member

Let me add another perspective to it, as out situation is somewhat special.

I'm a fibro husband, PCG was finally diagnosed with Fibro in July 2010. But we've been together for 11 and a half years now, and we saw something was wrong for the last 4. Our relationship is steady because PCG always had physical problems (attributed at the time to a scoliosis she had since she was a child and rheuma), so I was somewhat ready for what Fibro had to offer us. We both suffer from panic attacks from time to time, so we learned to be there for each other.

And now, we are apart. I'm looking for job in Argentina while she is back at Paraguay (about 1800km away). She recently came and spent a week with me here, after not seeing each other for almost six months. And the relationship is intact.

What did we do to keep that strong?

I think that the first thing was communication and understanding for each others condition. Second, I instructed myself about fibro (I'm here, I don't post much but I read many of the topics), and I'm always been very grateful to her about how she, in spite of her problems, was always there for me, so I feel I must correspond. Also, while I cannot deny our sex life took a toll because of the fibro, it's undeniable as well that it's not a central part of our life, for reasons that are not open for debate.

Perhaps I'm a strange guy, meaning I don't live thinking of it. I love my wife and I've learned that it's not a very important thing when the other person feels pain because of it. Lack of drive in our case was fought with the distance (I'm not suggesting everyone goes away like I did), all you need to remember is that is possible to have a joyful and fulfilling sex life in spite of fibro. Just find your way, and take it easy. (This is for you GUYS, the girls need you much more than you need them, ok?)

Hope it made sense and helped Smile


03/12/2011 05:59 AM
broken
broken  
Posts: 11332
Group Leader

Vsldor

this is why we miss you around here.you bring insight we can get from no other...

I think any stress is hard on a marrige.but I know also having your partner envolved with you and your docs help a great deal..I would struggle with diffrent meds and diffrent effects of them and hide everything that was happening the best I could from throwing up to seeing double.ext.. but to him who saw something diffrent he saw moods and anger,he took them personaly because he didnt know the cause,he thought it was him..now he is envolved and understands whats going on it makes a big diffrence..sometimes sparing them actually causes more pain then any thing..


03/12/2011 06:24 AM
DaisyJ
DaisyJ  
Posts: 54
Member

I think thats wonderful that your husband is understanding the illness. I wish I could get mine to understand. He is not very supportive, has no clue what meds I am on but says I take to many and often ask me to do things I am not physically able to do and gets mad when I tell him that I cant. I am tired of feeling guilty for feeling bad. Sad

Did you have a long talk with your husband? How did the change come about? Smile


03/12/2011 08:29 AM
Natalia5150
Natalia5150  
Posts: 3632
VIP Member

I have recommended to newbies to even take recalcitrant family members with them, MOM one time DAD the next until everyone has a chance to meet the doc, ask questions and come to realize (as they see various degrees of fibro debilitation sitting in the waiting room,) that fibro is real, and if there is any love at all they must realize this.

Also for those with really stubborn family one might mention that insurance companies do not pay out on make believe conditions.

Granted, there are always going to be those who refuse to believe, and those people are toxic, nothing will help them except removing yourself from them and staying removed. Many of us have had to leave homes, family and even move across the country to start new lives so that they could control the stress and live in a simpler non argumentative less stress way.

Welcome Gulfcrest, Excellent first posting. So glad your family is understanding....you might consider taking each child in with you at one time or another, just so they realize that mom might not make the play offs, the recital the parent teacher conference.

There is one caveat that all of us with supportive spouses need to keep in mind, not to rely any more heavily than we must on supportive spouses etc....and on good days,( and we all have good days, even if they are not pain free days,) we must do as much as we can without over doing.

For instance, I have plumb forgotten how to cook, really, baking would probably be ok, except for bread, dont think I could do the kneading. But day to day cooking....plumb gone from the memory banks. fortunately when I got married my love had been cooking for himself for so long that we have a happyt compromise, he continues what e has always done for himself and I do healthy choice, Lean Cuisine and any of the others, one of the major brands is on sale every week, so its an inexpensive way of doing day to day cooking. When you dont have a family. And if you dont like day to day cooking its a might convient thing to forget Tongue


03/12/2011 05:37 PM
RustySunshine
 
Posts: 6
New Member



Post edited by: RustySunshine, at: 03/13/2011 09:21 AM

03/12/2011 07:43 PM
gulfcrest
gulfcrest  
Posts: 116
Member

Thank you so much for posting, love to hear the perspectives and input from fibro significant others.

Post edited by: gulfcrest, at: 03/12/2011 08:24 PM

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