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11/29/2007 05:08 PM

i think i am having a nervous breakdown.

ponderingreality

I am not sure what one feels like, but something is really bad wrong.

I can't eat, I can't think, I can't concentrate, I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want anyone around me.

I feel like I just can't take this anymore. not suicidal, just soooo want to run away, just start driving, and never come back, i feel like nothing matters. especially me.

I was crying a lot over the past few days, now i ain't even doing that, i just feel so empty. I just feel so useless. not even that, i really just don't feel anything at all.

just empty, void, listless, invisible, don't care about anything. i just want everyone to shut up, except no one is talking.

and nobody has even noticed. you would think with the outgoing personality i have, and always busting my ass to please everyone, someone would notice that there is something wrong. nothing, i tried to talk to my mom, but she just said, 'well, baby, you can't let yourself get that way'... OH! ok, then, silly me.

I am not a depressive person. i just feel like the whole world is closing in on me. which makes no since because i feel alone.

i've just had it. i have had it with it all. i just want to curl up in the corner of the shower and sit there, this by the way doesn't work, i tried it yesterday.

so what does a happy-go-lucky person like myself do when the birds aren't singing, and really couldn't care if they ever do again?

don't care to ponder, not a minute more.

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11/29/2007 06:44 PM
Snoopy30
Snoopy30  
Posts: 1438
Senior Member

My poor friend. I'm soo sorry you are haveing such a hard time. Can I come join you when you run away Please please. I don't know if it's because the holidays are upon us or what but I am where you are and I don't want to be there either. I wake up every morning just wanting to cry. Has a depression Front blown into Florida??? I wish I could say or do something to make you feel better just know your in my thoughts. Hugs to you my friend

11/30/2007 05:21 AM
ponderingreality

i woke up this morning and thought i heard a bird... it was my daughter's guinea pig... (anyone have a bb gun?)

i can't thank you enough for all of your kind words, and i am sooo glad no one said... 'well baby, you just can't let yourself get that way' i love my mama, but she hasn't one clue.

finally, this is kinda sad, but funny, my dh said last night... kay, is something wrong? you seem different' i wanted to smack him on the head and say... YA THINK? but i didn't, i just snuggled up, and told him i would be fine. no need in making him feel bad, for something he can't fix, and believe me, he thinks he can fix anything.(mostly its true, just not me, some of the time)

i was once told by a wise masked man, need to be happy. need to be happy. need to be happy. need to be happy.... so happy i will be, maybe not today, but i do feel myself coming back to awareness, i think i will immerse myself in some painting, you know lunacy was the key to most of our most renowned artists. i'll do an abstract, that way i don't have to hold onto the brush so intently, yeah?

i encourage you all to NOT wait until you can't hear the birds or guinea pigs before you write about it. it is an awful, awful feeling, and we can help each other, i am proof of that. i got personal emails, myspace notes, and most importantly here. if i can help like you all have helped, that is one of the biggest reasons read posts, and respond.

i love you all, and i will come out of this, i already feel it creeping back to the dark recesses where it belongs.

silly to say i love you all? not really, you love friends don't ya? and you all are friends.

thanks for the hook in my shirt and the pull back toward shore, now all i need to do is get all the seaweed off of me, and hey, can you get that fiddler crab off my toe?.

pondering, in a whole new light.


11/30/2007 05:39 AM
Snoopy30
Snoopy30  
Posts: 1438
Senior Member

So glad to be getting a glimpse of my friend. You know we are always here for you.

Love you too

Karen


11/30/2007 06:11 AM
ponderingreality

Karen,

you touched on something that i haven't really accounted for, until my son got married last june, we always had a house full of 20-somethings running around our house, in the yard, in my fridge, everywhere, all the time. now they are gone... they are at his house! (how fair is that? lol)

ok, so things are ok.... and even though i feel a wee bit silly for having a breakdown in front of all of you, i can't think of a more apt place to have one.

thank you from the bottom of my heart.

karen


11/30/2007 06:37 AM
bshapiro
bshapiro  
Posts: 467
Member

For what it's worth I noticed - You havn't been around here or on IM & I started to wonder/worry about you yesterday but was to out of it myself to PM you.

I'll be around & online most of the day until around 2pm unless I pass out again from fatigue first (pretty much a daily experience this week)

hang on, don't do anything silly & if you are wait for me & we'll drive off together


11/30/2007 07:10 AM
ponderingreality

i am putting stevie ray vaughn in the cd player, and passin' out myself. the sky may be cryin', but i'm not anymore.

nothing silly bruce, i promise. and lets take your wife's (haha) sports car, (i'll do the clutch, and you change gears!) we just have to pick up snoop on the way... or we could hit the keys, in that case, ya'll pick me up on the way yeah?

you guys are the best.

pondering in a good way....


11/30/2007 07:16 AM
Snoopy30
Snoopy30  
Posts: 1438
Senior Member

you better not forget me. And if we're going to the keys I'm further south than you so you'll be picking me up haha

11/30/2007 10:32 AM
Deanna1
Deanna1  
Posts: 124
Member

Pondering, I have been feeling the same way you have been the past couple of weeks. I have been wondering if depression is sinking in me cuz I have been feeling and thinking the same thing...also was wondering if its because I dont have my friends or family here...I have no one to share with or talk with.

So, the other night I wrote a letter and wrote down all the feelings I've been having and put it in the fire. (Native American's believe the smoke takes your request to the universe, and I didn't want anyone in my family reading it anyway). I dont know whats wrong with me or where this is coming from, but I dont like it one bit~

So hun, I'm here for ya!

Bruce, do you have room in the trunk for a fourth person?


11/30/2007 10:45 AM
Snoopy30
Snoopy30  
Posts: 1438
Senior Member

What a good idea a Fibro Holiday. I like it wherever we go there has to be a couple of rules.

1. NO PAIN ALLOWED

2. NO DEPRESSION ALLOWED

3. WHATEVER IT TAKES TO FEEL GOOD IS ALLOWED.

And we all have to fit in Bruce's sportscar not that would be a site. I promise to hang on to all of you if you promise to do the same for me. That way we all know we're going to make it

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