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Suicidal Thoughts II



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04/11/2008 21:15
meleggs
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Personally I think a lot of us have been there with this condition. I know I have and I didn't think I'd ever move from the major depression I was in. I don't know if I would have if I didn't go on an antidepressant which at the time was the last thing I wanted to do.

We all have our good and bad days. We all need a good cry now and then. Just know we are here for you because not only do we car- we understand!

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04/12/2008 01:50
lillian
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HI EVERYONE, I JUST SAW THIS POST. IM SO GLAD I DID. I HAVE BEEN HAVING HORIBLE THOUGHTS ABOUT SUICIDE LATELY. I HAVE FIBROMYALGIA, RHEUMATOID ARTHRITIS AND GET MIGRAINS 3 TO 4 TIMES A WEEK. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I CANT TAKE ONE MORE MINUTE OF PAIN. I FEEL SO GUILTY I CANT TAKE CARE OF MY TWO BABIES ANYMORE I NEED SO MUCH HELP. CHANGING A DIAPER IS EXRUSIATING. I FEEL SO SORRY FOR MY HUSBAND. IM DEFINETLY NOT THE WOMAN HE MARRIED. HE WORKS SO HARD AND THEN HAS TO TAKE CARE OF ME AND THE KIDS WHEN HE COMES HOME. SOMETIMES I THINK THEY WILL JUST BE BETTER OF WITHOUT ME. I THINK IF MY HUSBAND REMARIES THE CHILDREN ARE STILL LITTLE ONE AND TWO YRS OLD SO THEY WILL ONLY KNOW THE NEW WIFE AS MOM. I REALLY DONT THINK I COULD ACTUALY DO IT, BUT I HATE THE FACT THAT I THINK ABOUT IT SO MUCH. FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS I ACTUALY STARTED THINKING OF WAYS. I HAVE A FARMACY OF MEDS IN MY HOUSE I TAKE. I THOUGHT I WOULD JUST TAKE THEM. WHAT SCARED ME WAS THAT IF IT DIDNT WORK I WOULD JUST GET REALLY SICK AND EVEN FEEL WORSE. I WAS CONSUMED WITH THOUGHTS OF HOW AND WHERE. WHO WOULD FIND ME. WHAT WAS THEY WAY THAT WOULD BE LESS PAINFUL FOR MY FAMILY. IM NOT THERE ANYMORE, MY DOC TRIPLED MY DEPRESSION MEDS. BUT THE THOUGHTS STILL CROSS MY MIND. I THAT IF I CAN BARELY GET AROUND NOW AT TIMES AND IM ONLY 32 HOW WILL I BE WHEN IM 40 OR 50. I SEE MYSELF IN A WHEELE CHAIR AND A BURDEN AND EMBARASMENT TO MY KIDS. I FEEL USELES. I HATE THE PERSON I AM NOW ALL I DO IS CRY AND COMPLAIN. SOMETIMES I REALY THINK I WILL GO MAD FROM THE PAIN. OTHER DAYS THE PAIN IS TOLERABLE AND I THINK IM CRAZY FOR HAVING THESE THOUGHTS. MY HUSBAND IS INCREADIBLE AND MY CHILDREN ARE ANGLES. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH I CANT HELP BUT FEEL THEY DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER. IM TO CHICKEN TO DO ANYTHING BUT I DONT WANT TO HAVE THESE THOUGHTS ANYMORE. HAS ANYONE ELSE BEEN HERE? WILL THEY EVER GO AWAY? WILL I EVER ENJOY LIFE AGAIN EVEN THOUGH I HAVE CRONIC PAIN AND FATIGUE? I FEEL SO HELPLESS CAN ANYONE RELATE?

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04/12/2008 02:04
rkselter

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Yes, I have been where you are now. It will get better. I started getting better when I went to my doctor and told him that I was there because I did not want to live anymore. That was a great decision -- telling my doctor, because he took it from there. I then saw a shrink and the shrink kept changing and adjusting my meds until I did not feel that way, and then I was given psychological treatment until I wanted to live.

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04/12/2008 06:36
teri hayes
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i am on anti depressents and the thoughts of ending it all cross my mind frequently. despite the pain and the inability to live life like i'm used to i don't have the courage. i'm affraid that all an attempt no matter how well it is planned will only leave me in more pain and that is what i'm trying to avoid. so i guess i will just keep working with the docs and venting here.

thanks all for just being here.

teri

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04/12/2008 06:49
rkselter

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Teri, you can vent at me any day and all day if it helps you. Seriously! working with the docs is important. There are a lot of anti-depressants, and chances are that there are only a few that will work for you. It was explained to me by a doc that I had to just keep trying them til he found the one that worked.

Hang in there!

We Care!

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04/27/2008 11:50
LuvMyCat
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I am new and just found this thread. Thank you to everyone for sharing -- I didn't realize there were so very many people I could relate to! I am always pleasantly surprised at how sharing a struggle makes it easier to bear. I am tired of fighting . . . especially because it feels like I am fighting against myself and losing. I don't want to die, but sometimes I think it would be easier. I do pray . . . but sometimes I think God is ignoring me. And I wonder if the grief of health that is lost ever goes away . . .
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04/27/2008 14:59
cadburry
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I don't think that the greif of our lost health ever completetly goes away. It just comes in different waves, it can come as sadness, fear, anger, and many other ways such as depression.

We all get tired of fighting and I have found that if I can focuse on what I love most about life at the times when I just want to give up it makes me feel that much more determined to keep going and fighting.

I beleive God is listening to us and working through some wonderful doctor somewhere in this world to provide a cure for Fibromyalgia, so don't stop praying, he is listening!



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04/27/2008 16:38
foxyroxy1
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Just in the past few days I have seriously thought of getting it over with. I am in such bad pain, I dont ever remember feeling this bad. I dont know how much longer I can stand it. I finally talked a little to my husband and we made a couple decisiond. One, I am going to cut down on my hours at work and two, I am going to find a pain clinic. Its not making things any better right this moment but at least I have hope. (a little)

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04/27/2008 17:18
spruce1
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Hello to all old and new!!!

This illness really can take a tole on our lives, both emotionally and physically ! I think one thing after having it for 22yrs, to be able to cope with it is to finally ACCEPT this is us now! It's harsh, but it will help the grieving....because we do grieve and then we are angry, frustrated and stressed out!

It took me many years to realize I'm no longer the old Laura....she probably will never walk 3 miles a day or ride free on a horse ever again. I try to remember that maybe tomorrow will be better and when tomorrow comes and I'm not better, then I say will maybe tomorrow cause there's bound to be a day or so of some slight relief. It comes, maybe not as often as I like, but it comes. Then those real bad days, I cry some and just rock on my little 'ole rocker and try to watch TV so I don't blow my brains out (just kidding) but that is how you feel when you have migraines 24/7.

I don't really know how to comfort others cause really what can a person say? We still suffer! But WE ALL do understand each other and it's good to have the support here and the encouragement to keep on going and that's what we need to do. Do you know why?

Cause whether we see it or not, our families do need us. We still influence their life's, whether children, grandchildren or spouses and mates. If they love us, they take us as we are now! My daughter finally got that into my head when I was very suicidal. I told her I really didn't want to live any longer and that I have no purpose. I said some other 'down' things also. She let me know how important I am to her and her children. How, although I can't run and chase my grandbabies like I would like to do, I help them grow into good people. She was only 5 when I was hit with this and she knows what I've been thru. She claims, all though she hasn't been the easiest kid on the block, she swears without me and my help and my shoulders she would be lost!!!

So my friends, just try real hard to keep in mind, that all though we may do little, we still have some importance in life and who knows, tomorrow may just be a bit better and that will help us to get thru another day, right?

So stay strong and hang in there. Vent when you need to, cry and scream (in a pillow to save everyones ears) when you need to but remember, your needed by ALL of us!

Spruce


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04/27/2008 17:31
Maineiac

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foxyroxy, I'm glad that you talked with your husband about how you have been feeling. It sounds to me like you two have made some good decisions. No matter how bad things get as long as we have hope (and you said you do a little) then we are going to make it. Don't ever give up. Just keep hanging in there even if it's just hanging on by your fingertips. we're all in this together.

Soft & gentle hugs.

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