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08/23/2008 04:03 PM

New and Hubby Venting!

ChristinaT
ChristinaT  
Posts: 15
Member

Hi I'm new here Tongue Glad I found this place!

My name is Christina, I live in Maryland have been married 10 years this past Thursday. I was dx with Fibro about 3 years ago or maybe it was 2 years I dont remember Blink

One of my main reasons I have been searching for Fibro support groups is because I feel really stressed and mental not just because of the Fibro but because of my husband. He's pretty good with me not working, we have tried at home businesses to no advail but he doesnt complain to much about that. I would love to work a few hours a week to help out some, but don't know what I could do and sometimes I cant imagine it. I never worked long enough to get the SSI or SSD whatever it is. Says I would have had to work 5 years and I didn't so I don't know what to do about that.

The main thing is I think he does not believe I am in pain. The other day I was trying to think of what other problems besides Fibro that this could be. Upon reading there seemed to be some similiar diseases like Lupus, MS and Lyme. I had a really bad flare up last month and was on the couch for 4 weeks. It might have been me coming off Cymbalta but I'm not sure. After reading sometimes I think I may have MS either instead of or with Fibro. Anyway I was reading and later I said maybe its this, or maybe its MS. Well he called me a hypochondriac and we got into a fight. He said he thinks I try to think of new things wrong with me and I like to be babied and want pity. GRR I was so mad, I cried for an hour. Here's some examples of how he acts

Him: Whats wrong with you now?

Me: My back hurts and I feel sick

Him: You always feel sick

Or things like " well my back hurts too" or "maybe if you moved around more and got out of the house"

I am just so pissed off!! I really feel like hitting him sometimes.

Two years ago I had a rash on the back of my leg and was in bed for 30 days, went to an emergency place and DR said he thought Lyme Disease so I got tested and it was neg. But now I read that those tests are often wrong. I want to ask for another one, since it's later now it might show up if I have it but I'm not going to tell him I am going to request one. He will call me a hypochondriac again. It might have been the nicotine patch I was on because I felt somewhat better when I started smoking again and got off the patch. I could have been allergic to it but the allergy showed up on my leg instead of my arm. Who knows anymore! Anyway he just makes me so angry. Now I barely have the energy to goto the store, but I don't want to dare ask him to go with me on his day off. I goto Bjs wholesale club and pull a cart with 4 cases of water(6 gallons each), dog food, cat food, and 80lbs of kitty litter plus food. I just can't do it anymore for some reason lately...and he wonders why I hesitate so long to go. I can tell when he gets irritable and I can tell he does when I want him to stop at the store after work. On days I clean the house, I really clean like a cleaning spree (6 plus hours straight last week) and more often then not I tend to take a couple of shots of alcohol to ease the back pain while I'm cleaning because Tylenol just does not cut it anymore. Yes I may drink more then I should sometimes, but on those days I don't like being called an alcoholic (it was only 4 shots) and other days I dont like being called a "pill popper" (I took tylenol and some tylonal sleep pill, it wasnt even narcotics! Not that I wouldnt mind some of them some days lol).

He also gets upset and pissy when I don't remember what he said, he must think I'm ignoring him when hes talking and thats why I dont remember. I'm at my wits end. Sorry for venting, I just don't know what to do!

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08/23/2008 04:19 PM
tsage
tsage  
Posts: 708
Member

Hi Christina. This is the right place to vent! Smile

I'm so sorry about the troubles you're having with your husband. It is so difficult for people to understand our pain. My husband is supportive for the most part, but he also gets frustrated when I don't remember things. We try to laugh it off now.

One thing I know for sure is you MUST take care of yourself. Please don't allow your fear of his reaction to dictate your doctors appointments, tests, daily activities, etc.

Do you see a counselor? It helps a lot. Maybe your husband would go with you so he can gain a better understanding of your physical and mental problems.

I hope you find some relief and that your husband becomes more sympathetic.


08/23/2008 04:36 PM
ChristinaT
ChristinaT  
Posts: 15
Member

thank you for the quick reply Smile Somedays I think he has depression or something, he is very moody. I often think about adding my leftover Cymbalta into his food everyday and see if it helps his mood lol He gets stressed often which doesn't help his moodiness. Hes ok one minute then he just goes off then hes fine again. I feel like yelling "i dont need this stress!" but then he would say all I think about is myself, which is his favorite thing to say.

08/23/2008 06:25 PM
hurtallover
hurtallover  
Posts: 283
Member

Hi Christina, and welcome to the group. You have found a terrific gourp of people to support you and answer questions.

Relationships are so hard even in the best of circumstances. You add in a chronic health condition and look out. My husband is not supportive either, so I know how you feel. I do still work, I am a teacher, but he will make comments about not having supper ready, or not even knowing what to have. Sometimes when I get home from school I just want to sit down, and often times I will fall asleep. Then he comes home and is mad that there is nothing to eat, and the laundry isn't done. I agree with tsage that counseling is a great idea, my husband won't go, but maybe yours will.

It is hard for others th believe we are in pain since we look so "normal". My husband never asks how I am, how my day was, if I sleep on a weekend afternoon it must be because I am lazy. You get the idea, and don't even bring up the s--e--x part. Sorry I took off on a vent of my own I think. Welcome and I hope someone else will come up with some suggestions for us both!


08/23/2008 07:09 PM
ALCSS2008

Welcome Christina,

You will find that this is a great group of supportive people that care about one another. I am sorry that things have been so hard at home. Pain is always what the patient says it is, unfortunately it is often difficult convey those feelings to others. Especially the ones we love.

Chronic illness brings changes to your life that neither you or your husband ever expected. The important thing to remember is that it has brought changes to your life. This means that you are no longer able to go to the wholesale store by yourself. You must ask for help. The house can be cleaned in small increments. There are several old posts on this subject that may offer you some helpful hints.

tsage has a good point. You have to take care of yourself. Rest when you need to. Go at the pace that minimizes your pain.

Provide literature for your husband to read. Invite him to your doctors appointments. Many of our members have put the literature in the bathroom Laughing .

Again, welcome to the group. I hope you feel better and keep you chin up. We are here for you.


08/24/2008 08:40 AM
mcbeth
mcbeth  
Posts: 1559
Senior Member

Welcome to the group and enver worry about venting here. Pretty much we are all in the same boat and understand where you are coming from.

Would it be possible to set up an appointment with your doctor some time and have your hubby go with you so he can hear what the doc has to say? Maybe then he would understand a little that you are not a hypochondriac.

Listen to tsage she is right when she says you have to take care of yourself first.


08/24/2008 09:55 AM
Jeerie
Jeerie  
Posts: 706
Member

Another welcome!! My husband fortunately is very supportive but we do have our moments when I'm ready to kill him. It's really hard to have patience with the "usual" guy crap as it is, but when you add chronic pain to the mix it doesn't go well.

My symptoms started off during my pregnancy, which started literally right after our wedding. I don't think he was even given the chance to adjust because everything came at once. It's been tough for him.

I am a bit worried about you saying that you use alcohol in the way you do. I think you need to really see a dr about better pain management, but the alcohol is just a way of self-medicating. And you made it sound like it isn't helping anyway.

"Now I barely have the energy to goto the store, but I don't want to dare ask him to go with me on his day off. I goto Bjs wholesale club and pull a cart with 4 cases of water(6 gallons each), dog food, cat food, and 80lbs of kitty litter plus food. I just can't do it anymore for some reason lately..." All I can say is "wow!!" I'm in total awe. I haven't been able to do something like this in YEARS. And forget carrying the cat litter. I can't even get the one that's only 30ls. Totally jealous! Smile

Please feel free to vent away. We're here for you.

Jean Marie


08/24/2008 10:02 AM
ChristinaT
ChristinaT  
Posts: 15
Member

Thanks all for the replies Smile I would suggest counseling but we are a little short on money now, I don't believe our health insurance covers marriage counseling. We went once years back, thankfully his sister was friends with the guy and we got in for free. He charges like hundreds to see him though, but I can ask him to ask his sister again. He (hubby) will probably say we don't need it or think I'm overeacting. It's just every night he says or gets a look in his face that makes me so mad. I'm pretty laid back and little things don't bother me anymore because I have to pick which fights to fight since I have no energy. Last night I walked a mile, got a blister on my foot and had a bad pain in my side and found a knot. I was laying there feeling around on my side and he said in a semi playing voice "What do you have a tumor?" I said Why do you say things like that? He didn't answer me. Then I said come feel this..he looked at me and shifted the book he was reading and had a look like "I have to get up?" He was like yea its a knot, probably a pulled muscle from walking. Then the cats knocked something down and broke some glass and he said "Go clean that up" (as I'm laying down in pain). So I went and bent over to pick it up and he used the broom and dustpan to finish. He doesn't like bending over either because his back hurts all the time. Each night he is just pushing me to edge and he wonders why I want to drink sometimes, just to go into another world and not pay attention to his mouth!

Today I'm going to print out that letter To the Healthy World from the Land of Chronic Pain and also the spoon theory one. I also requested a info packet in the mail from http://www.fmaware.org/ about starting a support group in Maryland because according to thier website there was only one and it was far away from here. We have a nice water front comminuty center that might allow me to hold meetings there for free (someone does yoga there for free on off days). After he sees the packet come and that I might start a support group and webpage, maybe he will get the point. Those are my goals for this week! Thank you for everyone who replied. Sometimes I cry when I read about others, it's nice knowing I'm not in this rocky boat by myself.


08/24/2008 10:20 AM
ChristinaT
ChristinaT  
Posts: 15
Member

I am a bit worried about you saying that you use alcohol in the way you do. I think you need to really see a dr about better pain management, but the alcohol is just a way of self-medicating. And you made it sound like it isn't helping anyway.

"Now I barely have the energy to goto the store, but I don't want to dare ask him to go with me on his day off. I goto Bjs wholesale club and pull a cart with 4 cases of water(6 gallons each), dog food, cat food, and 80lbs of kitty litter plus food. I just can't do it anymore for some reason lately..." All I can say is "wow!!" I'm in total awe. I haven't been able to do something like this in YEARS. And forget carrying the cat litter. I can't even get the one that's only 30ls. Totally jealous! Smile

-----------

Thanks for the reply. Yea going to Bjs has killed me the last couple times. Not only do I have to pull the cart but lifting it onto the cart then into the back of my truck. Its really killing my back. This week he has to go get tags for his car, while I wash clothes at the laundry mat. I won't dare ask him to "waste" his second day off by going to Bjs with me, so this week I'm on my own there. Angry

I have cut down the drinking ALOT, now it's once a week or once every 10 days. When I was working at the dog kennel I drank every other day because of the pain and the stress of the job. So I cut back ALOT since then. Personally I dont think I'm an alcoholic by drinking only once a week. I do it at home, dont drink and drive and usually clean or bake when I'm drinking for some reason lol. I do hate that everytime I stumble which is almost everyday now, he always ask me if I'm drinking. I'm like nooo do you see any alcohol in the house!? That makes me mad, he thinks I'm drinking everyday because I have no balance at all and slur my words. Instead of saying how good I'm doing by cutting back that much, I still get called an alcoholic. Angry

I called him a drunk the other day because he had some wine lol

Anyway, I'm calling my neurologist monday to get an appointment so we can try another medicine, lyrica and cymbalta just don't do anything for me but I do need something, I can't stand this pain anymore.


08/24/2008 11:20 AM
raynedae
raynedae  
Posts: 8219
VIP Member

Christina I think a lot of men have problems accepting fibromyalgia because men tend to be problem solvers. I'm sure we've all noticed that when we want to vent about our problems, men want to try to solve the problem. Fibro frustrates them (and our doctors!) because it's not a puzzle that can be solved. So guys would rather think we're magnifying our symptoms because the idea that we've got something wrong with us that can't be "fixed" is just overwhelming. I think deep down they know we're really sick but since they can't fix us, they'd rather blow us off. I thought my guy was sympathetic until I was describing what I'd been through while I was on Lyrica. I told him that the nerve pain I'd been experiencing was a side effect of the drug and he told me that he'd thought it was psychosomatic. That really hurt me but I think now he's blaming all my aches and pains on side effects from my medications. Fine, let him think what he wants, I know what I'm going through and if he's not sympathetic, I just don't talk to him. We don't live together though so I don't know how I'd handle a situation like yours....if you can get him to come to your doctor appointment maybe that might help. Good luck...feel free to vent anytime!
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