rosequeen
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I have not been online for the past week due to the fact I have been in the hospital. Last sunday 6-22, I OD'd on Hydrocodone. I was in so much pain that day and was at my lowest point yet with this fibro. I don't remember much about that day. i was told I called my pastor. He knew something wasn't right and came over but by then I was unresponsive. I have thought of suicide so many times. But was always able to talk myself out of going through with it ....until sunday. I remember thinking all I wanted was the pain to go away. I remember thinking I'll take enough to help me sleep. But then I got so depressed I couldn't think of anything else but to end it once and for all.Next thing I know I was in the emergency room. I don't remember calling my pastor.But everyday since i am grateful I did and that god has given me another chance to live.I know I am going to have more days like that sunday, where the pain is too much to handle ,but I have others I can turn to now for help and strength. i am finding out who my true friends are through this, and have lost a few already. I live in a small town and unfortunatly people here judge you based on rumors and such. I am close to losing my job. My boss, who I thought was understanding, told me if I call in sick one more day. I am done. I know there will be a time when I will be in too much pain to work and I will lose my job. I am torn as to whether i should quit or hang in there and see what comes. This past week has been Hell. Please pray that i will continue to move foward and not get to the point i was at last sunday again. I'm scared of what the future holds. I don't want to lose my family and job and House, and all I have worked so hard for all these years. I feel like it's all coming crashing down because of what I did. I know I was wrong and I'm soooo sorry I hurt soooo many people. I am going on a trip to Arizona to take my son out to the art institute of pheonix on July 4 and will not be back until july 14 so probably won't get a chance to log on for awhile. I pray I can handle the drive out there and back. Please, if anyone is thinking of suicide I am here to tell you it is not worth it!! I have hurt so many and don't know if I can make things right again. It's not a fun place to be that far down that you can't pull yourself up. I know. But it's not fun trying to pick up the pieces of your life afterward either. I believe God has a purpose for me now and I am going to figure it out one of these days. I just pray I can stay strong enough to figure it out. So anyway till I get back . I will pray for all of you out there and i'll talk soon. Bye for now. |
I had not known a full nights sleep in over 15 years.
"When I was diagnosed I was scared didn't know what to do or where to go..I started reserching bipolar and somehow ended up here at MD....Again scared but needing to know what was in store I asked a question..WOW the people who care..I know I would be lost now if I did not join..made many friends and they have helped me through thick and thin. and never judged...........XX Thank you MD and all.Love all of you.......Laurie Pachin" (puppylover)