Fibromyalgia Support Group

Hi guys and gals,

I am really needing some helpful advice/suggestions concerning a matter that I have been dealing with in my heart for several months..... I have started a letter as ginaleigh suggested I do and I am sort of having some difficulty in saying what I need/want to say. This is regarding the friend of nearly 27 years that I told you all about the other day, you know, the one who thought it was hilarious that I needed a shower chair? Obviously this friendship matters to me or it wouldnt be weighing so heavily on my heart. But, to be honest, this is not the first comment made or incident that has happened that has been hurtful to me & all my attempts to talk to her about it have failed.

I get the feeling that she thinks I am making up the severity of my symptoms because she cannot see them, like maybe she doesnt believe me. I have told/shown her in the past how important she is to me. I told her although I know she will not be able to fully understand Fibro, that I would love it if she would read different Letters to Family/Friends, (as I said before, it took her days to sit & read the spoon theory) and to my knowledge she never read the other articles I gave her. We used to do many things together, used to have a lot of fun; one time we even flew to Ft. Myers FL, rented a mustang convertible then drove all the way down to Key West! My goodness...We would even go grocery shopping together! Many of the things we used to do I am still able to do now! But it seems like after I got sick I began seeing her less and less...I would try to call her and she never had time to talk, something sad would happen and or something exciting and she was the first one I would want to call on to share it with her, just like I always had before and she would always do the same. Its not that way anymore, the only time I get to talk to her now is when she calls me and is upset about something that happened at work, or to talk about how great her boyfriend & their relationship is (and he really truly is a very nice guy), or when she is sick with bronchitis (she has chronic bronchitis and gets awful sick with it), or to tell me about her night at the bar (which is a new hobby for her) and I never mind listening, that is what friends do, and that is what we have both equally done for nearly our whole life.

This may sound silly, but I believe a friendship, especially one that you have had for several years and invested a lot into, is in many ways like a relationship. A relationship has to be nurtured and fed to grow, but for quite some time now it feels like I have been putting more into it than I am getting out of it. (I hope that makes sense & doesnt sound too odd! )

I have hung on to the hope for so long because of the time invested and the fact that I love her like a sister :* I have never lied to her before, I just dont know why she wouldnt believe me now. She is not just someone who has known me on the surface, she used to know me as well or better than I knew myself. I miss her more than words can express and needed a friend more than ever these past couple years. But things have definitely changed, & as a result, I am feeling the need to take a break, kind of step back so I can see the bigger picture more clearly. As long as I am in the middle (so to speak) I feel my decisions & perception is clouded a bit.

Can anyone who has dealt with something similar, please give me advice as to how to tell her that I am stepping out for awhile, without it hurting her feelings? Maybe this will actually be a relief to her......?

Thank you all so much, Big hugs, Kim

Hi Kim, I read your post and just felt awful for you. It is difficult when you have had a friend for that long and you feel that the closeness you had as friends is not there any more. I never had that experience before. It is tough I would imagine because when good things happen or bad and you want to share that with her and she isn't available to you. I know this is difficult for you and it must be for her as well. It's hard feeling like someone isn't open enough to read more information on what you are going through. I am sure that hurts the most. Acceptance and understanding is all we all want, and when the people that are closest to you don't acknowledge that what you are feeling and going through is real it is a terrible feeling. I hope that others can give you a way of best handle this. I will keep you in my prayers, I know your heart is breaking that it even had to come to this. Thinking about you and sending you big gentle hugs, Ann

Post edited by: happycampc, at: 11/27/2010 09:21 PM

Hi,

I read your post and I too have had two close friends who started treating me the same way. They wanted to talk to me when they had a something exciting to talk about. However, when I wanted to share, I would realize that the person on the other end of the line was playing a video game or reading something online, and was only half listening at best. The second of that pair of friends was the friend that I would share how I was feeling; these were fibro symptoms only I didn’t know it at the time. Eventually I stopped talking about that stuff to her because I felt judged by her. She would suggest that I wasn’t getting enough sun or perhaps I needed to stretch, she was always trying to figure out what I was doing wrong that explain my fibro symptoms. She didn’t understand when I would have to back out of plans because my energy was low and my whole body ached. She didn’t make me feel supported, like a close friend should. I listened to so many crazy stories from her when she was in a time of need, and I never judged her. Simply, she did not return the gesture, she did judge me. The way I handled it is probably not the way it should have been handled, or the correct way, or the best way. I decided to not be there for her any more (which is what I felt that she was doing to me). The few texts and messages I got from her were not returned and eventually she got the hint. I decided that our friendship had run its course and despite being close friends for the past eight years, it was time to walk away.

You sound like a thoughtful person who is a good listener and that is great for the people you are friends with. But sometimes your friends need to take time to really listen to you. I’m sorry that this friendship that means so much to you is not going the way you’d like it to. As far as advice for your situation, I can only say that I suggest you tell her what you’re feeling (you might have already) and do what is right for you.

I think what you wrote about friendships being relationships is right on. In fact, when I decided that I didn’t want to be friends anymore, it felt like a break up.

Best of luck to you!

Angie

Hi,

I read your post and I too have had two close friends who started treating me the same way. They wanted to talk to me when they had a something exciting to talk about. However, when I wanted to share, I would realize that the person on the other end of the line was playing a video game or reading something online, and was only half listening at best. The second of that pair of friends was the friend that I would share how I was feeling; these were fibro symptoms only I didn’t know it at the time. Eventually I stopped talking about that stuff to her because I felt judged by her. She would suggest that I wasn’t getting enough sun or perhaps I needed to stretch, she was always trying to figure out what I was doing wrong that explain my fibro symptoms. She didn’t understand when I would have to back out of plans because my energy was low and my whole body ached. She didn’t make me feel supported, like a close friend should. I listened to so many crazy stories from her when she was in a time of need, and I never judged her. Simply, she did not return the gesture, she did judge me. The way I handled it is probably not the way it should have been handled, or the correct way, or the best way. I decided to not be there for her any more (which is what I felt that she was doing to me). The few texts and messages I got from her were not returned and eventually she got the hint. I decided that our friendship had run its course and despite being close friends for the past eight years, it was time to walk away.

You sound like a thoughtful person who is a good listener and that is great for the people you are friends with. But sometimes your friends need to take time to really listen to you. I’m sorry that this friendship that means so much to you is not going the way you’d like it to. As far as advice for your situation, I can only say that I suggest you tell her what you’re feeling (you might have already) and do what is right for you.

I think what you wrote about friendships being relationships is right on. In fact, when I decided that I didn’t want to be friends anymore, it felt like a break up.

Best of luck to you!

Angie

@ Ann, thank you so much for your sweet words, they mean so much to me

@ Angie, first, welcome to the group! I know you will love it here, and how nice is it that you are new here and already giving support! You are going to fit in just right. I understand what you mean about it feeling like a break up, we were only 6 when we became "blood sisters" ( does anyone remember doing this in grade school?) We experienced so many different milestones in our life together, she even called me when she was in the hospital having her oldest daughter (she lived out of state then) she was pushing as she held the phone, just so I could be there with her (ok..crying now) The past is what makes it so hard. Just feels like she is more of a fair weather friend now, how could it come to this?

hey Kimmy,Thinking about you!Remember what I said about it never being too late for a positive to come out of a situation.Sometimes it just takes a really long time to happen.Please dont loose hope in your lifelong friend,she's just confused and in her own little world right now.

Maybe if you make a simple list of events you'd like to cover in this very important discussion,and cover it that way,rather than the letter.It is,sometimes,very difficult for emotions to be read.Being that you love her dearly,she also needs to see this,as she feels it.

Keep your chin up Hon,glad you're my friend,wish we lived closer!

Good morning Hugs,that last all day!

Hi Jennifer, I wish we lived closer too, and hugs that last all day....that is one of the nicest phrases that has ever been said to me. You are right, it would be much better to just make a list of "power points" to talk to her about for when I am able to connect with her long enough!

Thanks for reminding me, Love you, Kim

KimmyLyn you are so right about close friendships that have lasted a long while being relationships. They grow and change over the years though. If the people involved try to treat them the same always they will grow stagnant and die. Also if they cannot change as the people inside them change then they will likely die. I think that you wanting to write her a letter about how you are being made to feel is a very good idea. I also think that some people tend to make jokes and poke fun at things that make them uncomfortable so I think she may well already know that something is not right but not know how to react to the situation. It is also easy enough for people to go into denial when someone they love is suffering and they do not see any way to alleviate the pain. I have seen that happen in my own family with a mother that was very ill and her two adult children. Luckily she has gotten better and the children now with children of their own have come to terms not only with her illness but also with their reaction to it. They are much close for it all but this is not a given, I realize. As Hubby says, "you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family so in the end they were forced to face up to things or cut themselves off from everyone in the family. Some friends simply can not make the shift in the status of the relationship (some family members also but that is a different story).

I would also like to add that if she does not respond immediately give her a while. That kind of perception of how a person you have a mental image of sometimes takes months or even years to change, particularly if that change is of a person that they see as a basic relationship in life like a very close or best friend. Very often if there is a refusal to accept it says more about how the person feels about their life in general than about that person in particular. If you are awash in the ocean but seem to have a buoy you have been holding on to and suddenly it starts sinking could very well cause a break with the reality around where if you're on a strong ship you may be yelling to the crew to help you save the buoy. I know, I'm weird, it's just what went through my mind to try and explain what I was thinking!

I sincerely hope that your letter will be the chance for her to open up to you and ask the questions that are already in her mind but she is just frightened of dealing with. If not then I feel sure you will meet new people and make new friends. She on the other hand will either learn to adjust as she and her friends age and face different physical and psychological realities or in the end she will end up very alone.

I wish you the very best with this and gentle hugs either way. I do think you decision is worth trying to communicate and not simply let die on the vine is admirable and brave.

KimmyLyn, Echo the wise words spoken above by Nitalynn plus GinaLeigh. Keeping you very much in my heart as well as prayers. Wish we lived close as think the world of you, for sure, too! Fibro fog pretty severe right now so struggling with thinking, concentration, speech as well as typing/writing. Yet, wanted to let you know that care about you sweetpea. Whatever happens between you as friends , know this- you will be okay plus emerge stronger from this. Know also, that whilst some friendships come to an end, new strong ones can begin just around the corner too. Do not look at the closed door for so long when a new window of wonders may be opening for you simultaneously. All is not lost even if this friendship is lost yet even that may still not be what it appears to be either. Never lose hope.

Know this also- we are always here for you!!

Take most excellent care of YOU.

Giant gentle hugs to you KimmyLyn as well as to all you here, love Clarita xooxooxoox

Nitalynn, your words of wisdom are well taken and very true. Thank you for taking the time to write them to me, appreciate them and you beyond words You are very kind and gentle and will take your advice.

Clarita, also think the world of you and would be nice if I could come over to your house and have a little chat I promise to not let the closed door keep me from the gifts that are coming, I do believe that good can come from most any situation. Sometimes it is opposite of what we think it could be. Am very open to new friendships forming as I love people Am also very thankful for the friendships I have found right here. I hope the fog clears soon Clarita and Nitalynn I also wish you the very best. Enormous Feathery Soft Hugs for all,

Love, Kim P.S. Thanks to all for the prayers, I welcome and appreciate them as they always do help and lift me up.