Fibro Challenges Online Support Group

i know it personal, but i wanted to talk about how my fibro effects my relationship with my husband. he says he understands if i dont feel "in the mood", but i think he just says that because the alternative is insensitive. i think if e were to be honest he would say he didnt understand it, and didnt like it. for myself and my husband sex is abig part of our relationship. its deffinitely not everything, but it is important. its just a big part of us being in love with each other and expressing that in the most intimate way possible. needless to say, i worry that having to turn him down frequently is going to cause problems. especially if he is afraid to be honest about how much it bothers him. its not like i cant talk to him about it, in fact i have a few times. when i do bring it up he assures me that its ok, i wish he would just talk about it honestly so i could answer the right questions and make him truly understnd. my pm dr wants us to see a marraige counsler but we cant pay for it right now. in fact my husband wants to take a second job to pay for my treatment, instead of me working. i think he tries to say what i want to hear, and do what he thinks he is supposed to. im afraid eventually he will snap and resent me for it. my pm dr is always asking me about my sex life, because he knows alot of people get divorced over chronic pain. maintaining a marraige is hard work as it is, but having the pain take control is scary to me. if a marraige has problems because of what you do or did you can apologize and try to move on. i cant control whats happening to me, and dont know how to move on from it. wow, it feels good to get that out of my head!

I understand your situation very well, mom, and I have some of the same problems. Other suggestions I was given was to find other ways to express your intimacy. Try to have sex in the shower, if you have enough space, the hot water may help. Take your pain meds about an hour before you plan on intimacy, to make sure they've kicked in some. I know how insecure you feel about your relationship right now, and I feel the same way. Your story could have been talking about my husband. But you know what, if they really love us, maybe they're telling the truth?

Mom, please first of all excuse my brain fart, but what is a pm doctor?

Hon, I'm going to offer you some advice and some information that I have learned over the years, based on knowing men very, very well. Hmmm...maybe I should clarify that.

All of my life, I have had more male friends than female friends. Men feel very comfortable around me and open up to me rather quickly. They always have. It still catches me off guard at times just how quickly they are willing to tell me very intimate and private things about themselves, their feelings, relationships - past, present and future...anything! Things I would never even have asked about!

Essentially, once you cut through all of the testosterone and the other miscellaneous BS that most (all? ) men feed us when first meeting us, they are, for the most part, in a certain way, very honest about who they are. What I mean is....

Hypothetical situation: You're dating someone, and sometime between say, your first and third date, he says something along the lines of "Oh, baby...you don't want to get too close to me", followed by a mysterious grin or a quiet chuckle.

He's telling you the truth. He's giving you information about himself that you really need to know! In that statement, he has just told you who he really is. He is coming right out and telling you that he is either a player, or a he's a commitment-phobe - or both! All men do this. You just need to stop, slow down, listen and try to think like a man.

You have to remember a few things. The first one is, we are the complex creatures. Men are very simple human beings. I am not saying that in any derogatory way. It is just a fact. Men don't process things the same way we do. Feelings, emotions, expressions of love and/or intimacy....they have the same feelings we do, but they cannot express them the way we can. They have to simplify things so that they can understand them on their level and are not so distracted.

The saying that men have a one-track mind is not just a joke. It is scientific fact. I don't mean that they all just think with what resides below their belts. But they can only think about and deal with one thing at a time with any clarity. Men are not good multi-taskers for this reason.

Are you familiar with the term "self-fulfilled prophecy"? I'm sure you are, and I don't want to insult you or offend you in any way. But I would like to give you an example.

Suzy has had a longtime crush on Danny - the best looking guy in her entire office complex - for months! To her extreme delight, he asks her out and they begin dating.

Suzy can't believe her luck. She never would have thought that she would even get a second look from Danny. She never would have believed that she was good enough for him. Never in a million years. And now she's dating him! Wow! Well of course, now she has to make sure that she does everything she possibly can to keep him happy so that she can hold onto him.

The problem is, her own insecurities - her belief that he's just too good to be true and that she might lose him if she's not good enough - start to make her worry. Is she pretty enough? Is she smart enough? Does he think she's sexy?

They go out to lunch one day and, as most men do, Danny gives a casual second glance to a pretty blonde that just passed by. Suzy sees this and she starts to panic. She is so afraid of losing Danny that the green monster in her starts to awaken.

Suzy begins to wonder if Danny would rather be with someone else. Or maybe he already has someone else! She starts to suspect him of cheating on her. She even questions him about it. He insists that he's not and he's perfectly happy with her, but she is just too afraid to believe it. It just can't be true.

In the end, after tolerating Suzy's jealousy and insecurity as long as he could, Danny eventually does decide to leave her. Not because he wanted to. He was really enjoying her and their relationship. But her fears and insecurities made her incapable of trusting him, and she eventually drove him away. The End.

Mom, you are (quite understandably) worried and concerned because of the feelings of guilt that you are holding onto. You are afraid that you're not holding up your end of the marital bargain. You are so convinced that your husband is not being honest with you about his feelings, that you are predicting gloom and doom and affairs and divorce, all because of these fears and feelings of guilt.

Let them go!

You did not ask to get Fibro. Fibro chose you. Your husband came along as part of a package deal, because he now has to live with some of the consequences too.

It's not fair, sweetheart. I know it's not. And I know what you are thinking and feeling. I know what your worries are and what your fears are. But honey, that's all they are. Worries and fears.

Let them go.

You are blessed to have such a loving, caring and understanding husband. They are becoming quite a rare breed these days, it seems. No wonder you're scared! You don't want to lose that precious gift that lies beside you each night. It's all perfectly understandable. But he's not going anywhere! So please, don't let your fear and feelings of guilt drive him away.

I've taken a long time to get around to saying what I've really been wanting to say...

I am going to ask you to take a leap of faith. A great big, blind leap of faith.

I want you to accept what your husband is telling you - without question, without doubt. Trust in him and believe in him.

He is telling you, the best, and possibly only way he knows how, that he really does care, he really does love you, and the fact that your Fibro pain affects your lovemaking really does not matter. The leap of faith I want you to take is to BELIEVE him. TRUST in him and in his love and concern for you.

You said it yourself - you have no problem talking to him about it. But what I'm seeing is that you're having a problem hearing him...listening to him. He is assuring you that things will be okay. Don't doubt him. Accept his words. Accept what he is telling you. He is telling you the truth.

Put yourself in his shoes for a minute. If he continues to try to reassure you that it's not that important and that he understands, but you refuse to believe that he's being honest with you about his feelings, what is he to do? How is he supposed to feel?

Take this leap of faith that I am asking of you. Cast your concerns, worries and fears aside and trust in your husband's love. Listen to what he is telling you and believe in what he is saying.

You don't need a marriage counselor. Your fears are perfectly understandable to anyone who suffers from Fibromyalgia.

Think seriously about your husband's offer to take that second job. This is another very loving thing he is trying to offer you. Men are providers by nature. To him, this is one of the best ways he knows how to prove his love for you. This offer to take on the second job is out of his love and concern for you. Accept his love by believing in him.

I don't know how long you've been married, but your marriage is quite obviously really important to you. Yes, marriage takes work. Even for perfectly healthy people. And no, you can't control what is happening to you. But you can learn to cope with what it throws at you, once you have the tools. We can help you with that.

Another thing you need to learn and remember is: The pain will NOT take control of you unless you let it. Don't give in to the pain. Don't let it win. Come to us here in the group and we will help you get through these difficult times you're going through. That's what we are here for.

Honey, I really hope you have not been offended by anything I have said. But you seem to be in a near-panic over things that have not occurred, and I don't want to see that happen to you.

I'm going to end this apparent novel I have written, by leaving you with a very special prayer. Read the words and concentrate on what they are saying. Read it over and over again until you start to believe in what it is saying to you.

"God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference."

Read this prayer every day, and it will help you to let go of the fear. Let go of the guilt. If you need help with controlling the pain, come to the group and we will all share our tips and tricks. We have big ears and dry shoulders. And we have strength in numbers. We will help you get through this.

{{{Soft Fibro hugs}}}

Starr

Starr, thanks so much for your excellent advice. I'm not where Mom is at the moment, but I've been there - or at least in a similar place. I'm sure we all have been, in one form or another. I know my husband tries his best to understand and be patient, but he has admitted that it is hard for him at times. But he also knows that it is hard for me. Neither of us asked for this to be dumped in our lives. But we did vow to go through it TOGETHER!

Starr, I love the reminder, to just trust him. Especially if he has given no reason for you not to trust him. He is trying to find his way (with you) through this mess.

My husband can't take away my pain, fatigue, or suffering, but he looks for ways to help make it more bearable for me. (He is the one who insisted that I quit my job over 10 years ago, but he felt that I just couldn't do it anymore. He has taken a second job to help pay for my medical bills. He plans events to make it as easy for me as possible. Recently he planned a surprise weekend get-away for the two of us. Nope, the weekend was not a "perfect" weekend; I had some medical issues (as usual), but we worked through them together. And the love that was behind the surprise trip, that and us being together was what really mattered anyway.

One of things my husband has had to learn with sex is sometimes...its just too much work. It has to happen when you are in a relaxed state..it can't happen during a "fibro fog". My husband is the one with fibro and he is the one with the immense guilt over the bed not being comfortable enough for us both to sleep in. He sleeps on the couch in the office most of the time unless we are being intimate. However, he doesn't want it that way..its just the way it is for now. He tries different ideas..changes things around...sometimes we take naps together on weekends when we are both around at time of day and we both need a nap (which is usually the case). I have to say I have been so busy lately I haven't had a lot of time to worry about intimacy and he seems to understand that..and actually I think we've been more affectionate because we do miss each other a little mroe than just at night. Absence does make the heart grow fonder I think..at least in small doses. I think the suggestion that you take pain meds an hour before..if there is a plan, and if not, simply take them at some point..and take it slow. You do have to plan on things taking longer..and that is a good time to really get intimate. Pain and pleasure are not far from one another..and if you look into Tantra and reiki massage, there are lots of ways to relax..even on a bad fibro day..I think you have to be able to "free yourself" a little when it comes to fibro and intimacy..sometimes the regular kind is going to be too difficult..but there things that help. I've done some reseach but its been several years. (We've been dealing with this progressively. ) I can honestly say, its one of the few areas of our relationship that we may have actually conquered for the most part. I think frequency is an issue for us as well, but again, I think it helps because by the time we get to it..we both really really want it and sometimes fibro and fatigue and all that be damned. However, you have to brutally honest with yourself about this..and while it is enjoyable to "find the things that work", it is a lot of work..and sometimes you end up falling asleep in the middle of it..and that sucks..or sometimes you end up feeling all tingly and not in a good way..etc. For my husband, its a matter of remembering that its not that we are being "intimate" its that he's in our bed and we are actually there together for a few hours at least. (At least that is how I look at it from the wife perspective). I cherish the time I have with him when his mind is clear and he is feeling good..no matter how short it lasts. When its not so good, I hope it doesn't last long this time. BUT, I don't blame him for it. I get impatient with it, I resent it at times, but I don't resent him for it. Now this is with woman's touch mind you, but I wouldn't be surprised if men that have wives, girlfriends etc with fibro that feel somewhat the same about their S.O's.

You've got the right idea, Carla...

the love that was behind the surprise trip, that and us being together was what really mattered anyway

One of the really mean, cruel tricks that Fibro tries to pull on us is to make us think that this is all our fault. But it isn't. And we should not allow guilt to enter our minds or our lives at all.

Those men who love us...poor souls. It hurts them that they can't "fix" us. Sometimes this hurt turns into frustration. It's a difficult concept for them to grab hold of. That's why it is so important for us to step back a bit and really appreciate them for what they are wanting and trying so hard to do.

I say this lovingly when I quote a line from a song...

"Afterall, he's just a man."

You've brought up some good points, Aries. But one that stuck out for me was the part about taking things slowly. This is something that I think tends to get forgotten along the way, sometimes.

Yes, for Fibromites, we have to take things slower and/or try things a different way. But isn't that really what intimacy is all about? It's not solely a matter of reaching a certain goal. It is that special time between two who love one another. Between taking it more slowly and absence making the heart grow fonder, that seeems like a good recipe for making those moments real quality times with your partner.

And to you, Aries... you explain it well. You get impatient and resentful sometimes, but you are right to blame the disease - not your husband. Kudos to you for that.

I guess in some ways, it could be related to an infertile couple trying to have a baby. Too much pressure to perform, and total loss of romance. That's a direction we don't want to go.

Toss away the pressure, the stress, and the guilt. Replace it with a genuine desire to want to be close to each other for a little while. That alone could produce the relaxed state that could help to make things possible. Or at least, to ease into it.

Making love with your S.O. is such a beautiful thing, but concentrate on the main word we've been using....Intimacy. Just enjoy each other and let things happen as they may.

Thanks, Aries, for explaining it from the "other" side. Because I suspect that it doesn't much matter whether the one without fibro is male or female, the frustration is still similar, and so is the desire to find a way to "make things work." Working together on a problem is what makes a marriage work anyway - whether fibro is a part of that or not. One day at a time . . .

I think you are right Autumn, it's the "together" that we desire in the first place I think, so even just working on the problems of intimacy is intimate in and of itself...whether you are just talking about it or "trying something new". Once my hubby got over trying "to do it even when he couldn't" just top make me happy, I think it all came together okay.

You are so right, Aries. We just have to change our ways of thinking. There is much more to intimacy than sex, although I agree that is important, too. It is not often that I really "feel" like doing it, but a few times I've surprised him on his day off. I would set up the bedroom to help "get in the mood," or at least give him a hint of what was going to happen. I usually planned it during the middle of the day; that works for us since we are the only 2 living in our house now. And we rarely have anyone just drop by for a visit. I can tell that my effort means the world to him; although I may not be able to do this more than 2x a year. Sometimes it is other little things, like just a note placed somewhere that he will find it before going to work, telling him how much I love and appreciate him and wishing him a good day. Sometimes we just sit on the couch and hold each other. It is just those special times together that help us through the trial of living with fibro.