How to Stop Letting Others Define Who You Are With Fibromyalgia~By Mary Ellen Telesha
One of the challenges of fibromyalgia is the frustrating feeling that family, friends and the medical community just don't understand. When we're already contending with the physical pain and chronic fatigue of fibromyalgia, having a negative experience can trigger painful emotions or worse, be the last straw that pushes us into a flare.
Peace of mind is a priority for fibromyalgia sufferers, and an important step in finding that peace is letting go of what other people think. Here's some things that have helped me in my own journey with fibromyalgia
1. Today, right now, resolve to stop taking opinions about you and your diagnosis of fibromyalgia personally. There will always be people set in their opinions who do not understand your struggle with fibromyalgia. The secret to dealing with the misinformed, ignorant or insensitive is to realize that what goes on in their minds is their own business and is no reflection on you. The only business we ever have control over is our own business, so make it your business to feel as good as you possibly can, in spite of outside opinions. When your gut tells you someone is not getting it, don't waste precious mental and emotional energy trying to wrangle them on to your side. Know they have their own hidden insecurities, fear and doubt that colors their opinions and try to look for the good intentions in people. Many are just uneducated, not having been driven by need and frustration to spend hours researching fibromyalgia.
2. Take number one a step further and ignore opinions about you and fibromyalgia. Do they really have an opinion about you? Probably. Maybe. Maybe not. So what? Don't let what other people think, or what you are just guessing they think, dictate how you feel about yourself. In the relative big picture of life, what does it mean that someone isn't giving you a fair assessment? Where does that truly have an impact on you in this moment, except in your mind? What would if feel like if you were free from worry about what people think? This freeing attitude is available the second we let go of the thought that another person's opinion of us matters.
3. When the limitations of fibromyalgia affect you there will be people who will drop out of your life. Martha Beck PhD, Life Coach, and author of Finding Your Own North Star describes this as the Empty Elevator. When you change, people will inevitably get off the elevator of your life, and you may feel alone for a while. There is a hidden blessing weeding the energy suckers, nay-sayers and negative people out of your life. With their leaving they open up space for truly compassionate, supportive loving friends and family.
4. Become a truth teller. While it may not be your job to educate or change someones opinion about fibromyalgia, it's important that people hear real stories about this condition told without shame. Tell the truth and stop making excuses when you say no to social events, or have to cut your time short.This doesn't have to be a long story or an attempt at getting sympathy, rather it's an act of intimacy to reveal your authentic self. Without defensiveness say, "I would love to (insert event) but because of the increased fatigue/pain/muscle weakness I've been experiencing with fibromyalgia lately it's better for me to stay home, rest and take care of my body." When someone asks you to explain fibromyalgia, share a quick, concise description: "Current research points to fibromyalgia as being a central nervous system dysfunction that causes global pain, extreme fatigue, muscle weakness and other symptoms that make normal functioning difficult. I'm managing the best I can with rest/meds/ therapy, thanks for asking." More than your illness, your calm and poise will be the impression remembered. Honoring yourself teaches others how to treat you, and avoids the nervous energy people will sense when you try to conceal what is really happening.
5. Ditch the drama. A high percentage of us diagnosed with fibromyalgia also have a history of childhood stress. Unless your whole family has been through intensive recovery, chances are you are still dealing with stressful dysfunctional family patterns that were ground zero for developing fibromyalgia. When a family member learns that you will stick to firm boundaries and respect yourself, there will be less of the tiring energetic push and pull against you. Stay centered and grounded in your own peaceful energy and find ways to detach from drama.
6. Practice selfishness. Many fibromyalgia sufferers, including myself, learned from childhood to take care of everyone's needs and ignore our own. We learned to put our emotional, physical and spiritual needs on the back burner to keep the peace, and taught to feel guilty about our own needs. Guilt is a signpost pointing to the very area in your life where you need to give yourself permission to put yourself first. Give yourself permission to say NO to anything that makes you feel worse and if something is important to your well-being, make it a priority. Truly selfish people never feel guilt!
7. Ask for help. Another common personality trait of fibromyalgia sufferers is an almost self-destructive sense of independence. Their "past lives" include being identified as the one to do everything, help everyone, and do it all by themselves. (Sound familiar?) Asking for what you need is a sign of strength, not weakness. You may be denying another human being an opportunity to learn their own depth of love, compassion and strength when you deny them the chance to help you. Instead of having to be strong and hold it together, let people close to you support you in your humanness.
By knowing that the only opinion about us that truly matters is our own, we develop the gifts of peace, self-love and self-worth. These are much needed valuable gifts we can give of ourselves in spite any physical conditions!
Mary Ellen Telesha is a Certified Martha Beck Life Coach.
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