Empty Nest Syndrome Online Support Group

We have one daughter who's been out of college for a year and another who is in her junior year. We actually relished the idea of having the house to ourselves, but that household also included our beautiful, loving Shetland Sheepdog. Two months ago, though, the dog took ill and died two weeks later, just shy of her 12th birthday.

For the first time in 22 years, we are without a dog. Compounded with having the kids out of the house, the sense of loneliness for me is devastating. My wife has taken this latest event as a way to fully free ourselves of any ties that would restrict our ability to take trips on a moment's notice or worry about getting the dog cross country where we have a small condo and spend the summers. Last year we did it for the first time with our dog and it wasn't so bad, but my wife sees it as a blessing in disguise that it's now just the two of us.

I don't see it that way. I need the unconditional love and balance in my life and while I know that dogs are no substitute for the kids, I did get that balance. Our dog's death has truly thrown me into a tailspin (no pun intended) and my wife's entrenched position is not helping our relationship either. She has told me that the more i lobby for another dog, the more she will resist it, but I don't think that means that she will agree to it if i just lay off. Rather, I think that she believes that as time passes, I'll forget about that aspect of my life and be content with local hikes, occasional trips and watching the two of us grow old.

I thought at first this was all about pet loss, and I did go to a support group online for that, but i really realize now that while i miss my dog greatly, it's more about the sudden emptiness in the house - the delayed empty nest feeling that we never had when our wonderful but demanding dog was still around.

Now i feel lost. I feel old. And I feel like the life in the house after the children left the house has gone from a new adventure to a nightmare. What to do now?

Good Morning Horizonjob,

So sorry to hear about the loss of your dog. Coming on the heels of your children leaving home must be very hard.

Your post about your wife not wanting another dog, reminded me of something that my "best friend" said to me not that long ago. We have known each other for almost 30 years and about six years ago, she started shutting me out. I tried and tried to find out what was going on, but she wouldn't say. Then she called me one day and explained that since she had just lost another friend of hers (quite suddenly and she was devastated), she was pulling away from me "because if something happened to me she didn't want to go through that pain again" She lives by that philosophy to this day. The fact that she recently lost her father and her husband within the last couple of years probably has not helped at all. It’s not only me; she has pulled away from everyone; all her friends and her family.

Maybe your wife feels that way about the dog. Maybe it hurt her more then you realized and she doesn't want to go through that again. But that still is not fair to you. If she absolutely refuses to let you get another dog, have you considered volunteering at your local Pet Smart or a local animal shelter? This might ease the void in your life, just a little bit while also getting you involved with a very worthy cause. I realize it’s not the same as having your own dog to come home to, but it might help.

Best of luck.

Denise

Dear Horizonjob,

My husband & I are dog lovers, and we now own a small, active 3 year old dog. So sorry to hear of your recent loss. Your pain is shared, and I understand, because I have lost a few beloved dogs in my life.

Funny, we never had a dog when our (now all adult)children were young. The expenses of raising three children to adulthood never allowed us the luxury of being dog owners at that time. Now, we are empty nesters...and we adopted this little fella..and he brings joy into our lives.

Yes, it must really be quiet around your place now. You are probably feeling so sad about the emptiness and I can truly understand your pain.

The post from Denise sounds like good advice. Volunteering your time to your local animal shelter would be a great help to you, and I know how much these shelters need all the help they can get..especially from an experienced pet owner who loves animals.

You would be able to fill that "doggy gap" in your life, without it being the 24/7 commitment it would be if you took another dog home.

After adopting our little dog two years ago, we didn't realize the actual "costs" of pet ownership can "almost" equal the cost of raising another child...vet bills are expensive..yeah! And finding a safe place for him when we actually want to travel somewhere...well, there you go. We took into account these costs and were willing to pay for these costs. We are not sure that there will be another dog in our lives, once this one is raised. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Right now, we are missing out on loving our first grandchild "up close", and our little "tail wagging friend" has been filling the emotional gaps we feel in our hearts.

Hope that you can work out your differences about owning another pet at this time. I am certain that she is grieving this beloved dog's passing as much as you are.

Hang in there dear friend...life is full of different "choices" along the way, as we get older and our lives keep changing. You sound like you will both be able to work this newest challenge out. Hoping the best for you.

This is GREAT advice!

I love Denise's story about how people shut down their feelings after the loss of a loved one-be it a person or a pet. My step-dad didn't want to get another dog for years. Finally-I bought him a mini schnauser, and he balked, told me to return it. I had to con him into keeping him. That dog turned out to be his new best friend for the next 15 or so years!

After that dog passed, he refused to go through that pain of loss again. I know that feeling. But nothing, nothing, helps the pain of losing a dog but getting another dog!!!

A dog can be a life saver. I think maybe Horizon job could think out of the box here. Like, tell her husband she wants to foster a dog, or dogs. Or even that she's dog sitting or keeping a dog for a friend. Anything to get a dog into the house. No doubt hubby will be so happy to have doggy energy back in the house that one of these dogs will end up finding a new home-and that family can have some canine companionship!

All other ideas-donating time, etc., are great! But-if you are a dog lover, you NEED a dog in the house! No human can provide all the cuddling and loving we need. Dogs do this for us and take the burden off others!

Please, "Horizon," think out of the box on this one. I think you could even get somewhere to let you "try out" a dog-for a week, a month-and tell your husband it is only temporary. If he insisted on returning it-well, I just don't think that would happen!

It sounds like he's just heartbroken, and needs to have his heart opened for him by another dog.

What do you think, Horizon?

Cynthia