MDJunction - People Helping People
 
Ask a Question
09/27/2011 07:06 PM

I am NOT That Woman

Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14599
Group Leader

"Set your own standards and determine your own value. It doesn't matter what everyone else does – it matters what you do. If everyone else has done it and it's not exactly worked out for them, why repeat their relationship insanity? It's not about what other people are comfortable doing – it's about what you're comfortable doing and a lot of women spend their time doing stuff they're uncomfortable with because they're afraid that if they don't, they'll ‘lose'. You're losing anyway. Never make it easy for someone not to have come up with the basics of love, care, trust, and respect in a relationship….you're not that woman.

****

I don't care if one thousand women have gone before me and they've all had sex with you on the first night or whenever you chanced your arm for it – I'm not those women.

I have sex when I feel comfortable and if that time happens to be when I feel more confident about where I stand with you and the values, qualities, characteristics that you possess, you'll have to deal with it, or go back and have sex with one of the women that make it easier for you.

I don't care if you're used to corresponding by texts and emails and every other woman has put up with it – I'm not those women.

I don't care if you're used to disappearing and then coming back with little or no hassle. If you disappear on me, you'd better stay disappeared!

I don't care if your ex didn't mind if you wouldn't hold her hand in public and didn't mind that you're not affectionate – I do mind.

I don't care if all the other women let you date and shag them all at the same time. I'm not those women!

I don't care if you're used to getting a shag, an ego stroke, and a shoulder to lean on with minimal contribution into a relationship. I deserve more than crumbs.

I don't care if ‘other women' are more compliant and don't expect you to be a decent guy in a decent relationship. I'm not those women.

I don't care if every woman has been sympathetic to your commitment fears and let you coast through those relationships claiming that you're scared and you need time. I'm not those women.

I don't care if you're used to getting your own way and having things on your own terms. I'm a person of value who is an equal party to this relationship.

I don't care if every other woman let you go bareback because it feels good – strap up or piss off!

I don't care if you're used to dodging responsibility and accountability and blaming whoever you're involved with for your thoughtless actions. I'm not that woman.

I don't care if all the women you've been with have waited around for you to make up your mind while you reject them time and again. I'm not those women.

I don't care if your ex let you do X,Y, Z. I'm not her. I'm not that woman.

I don't care if other women have let you have sex with them when you have demonstrated or even said you're not interested in them/don't want a relationship. I'm not that woman.

I don't care if other women when you've told them you don't want a relationship with them have gone into overdrive trying to prove themselves to you so that you make them the exception. I'm not that woman.

I don't care if you're used to being with a woman who thinks you're the centre of the universe and the only source of her happiness – I'm not that woman.

I don't care if you're used to being with a woman with low self-esteem that let's you control the relationship and define her – I'm not that woman.

I don't care if you're used to pressing The Reset Button and acting like nothing has happened and getting away with it. I'm not that woman. I will remember.

I don't care if you're used to controlling someone's every move – I'm not that woman. Don't even try it.

I don't care if other women have believed you when you said you wouldn't lay a hand on them again – I'm not that woman. I'm not taking my chances.

I don't care if every other woman felt sympathetic to your One Time in Bandcamp tales of woe and excused all your dodgy behaviour – I am most definitely not that woman.

I don't care if every other woman has put you on the deeds of her house or given you access to her bank account. I am not that woman. Are you crazy?

I don't care if you're used to having virtual sex and sending nude pics to women you met a hot minute ago on a dating site – I'm not that woman.

I don't care if other women don't mind if you're married/attached – I do. You should.

I don't care if other women let you call them up late at night and let you come round for sex – I'm not those women.

I don't care if you're used to women competing for you, fighting in the street and getting into all sorts of craziness. I'm not that woman.

I don't care if other women have been prepared to ‘go with the flow' when there is no flow or you've been flowing backwards. I'm not those women. I am entitled to be with someone who is not afraid to see a future with me.

I don't care if you're used to playing a cat and mouse game. I'm not that woman. You're either in or you're out.

I don't care if you're used to having your lame excuses like my cat was stuck up a tree/battery not working/The Busiest Week Ever/I lost your number etc accepted. I'm not that woman.

I don't care if your mother and every other woman you've been with has let you do as you please – I'm not that woman.

And….

I don't care if you're upset because I won't let you mess around with my head and my emotions now that we've broken up. I'm not that woman.

I don't care if you're upset because I won't be your friend now that I've got tired of you rejecting me for the umpteenth time. I used to be that woman but now I'm not.

I don't care if all your exes let you call them up and use them for a shag, an ego stroke, a shoulder to lean on, money, whatever. I'm not that woman.

I don't care if you're worried about what everyone will think of you now that a ‘good woman' has left you. I'm worrying about myself.

I don't care if the last time we broke up I let you call me up, sleep with me etc. I used to be that woman but I'm not anymore.

I don't care if other women let you force your version of the truth on them. I'm not that woman and I make up my mind about my truth.

I don't care if you've just separated or divorced and are looking to try on a new relationship for size. I'm not that woman.

I don't care if you just broke up with your ex and are looking for a Fallback Girl to be a buffer and let you treat her like an option so you can avoid the pain of your breakup. I'm not that woman. I'm not your emotional airbag.

I don't care if other women think that guys like you are the best they can do. I'm not that woman. You're not the man for me.

I don't care if me having boundaries and treating myself with love, care, trust, and respect writes me off from being with you. If being with and loving you means I can't love me, I'll choose me. Other women might be prepared to let you bust up their boundaries, but you guessed it…I'm not that woman.

I know it's not easy out there but I know what I've experienced and to continue to carry the same baggage, beliefs, and attitudes and choose the same people different package and expect different results would be relationship insanity. Others may not be ready to get off the merry-go-round…but I'm not that woman."

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/im-not-that-woman-an-ode- for-every-woman-who-has-loved-lost-and-forgotten-her-value/

Reply

05/22/2012 08:34 AM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14599
Group Leader

Good for you! Smile

05/22/2012 08:35 AM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 4960
Group Leader

Those same lines spoke to me too! My father used to LOVE hitting the "reset button" on life and just pretend like nothing ever happened. His abuse tactics were difficult to identify before (he was more of a passive-aggressive type), but boy when I decided not to go along with pretending it never happened? That's when the true colors started to come out. No more playing along with his warped reality!

So often I remember in past relationships I would desperately try to mold myself into whatever I thought he wanted me to be. I would be morally flexible. I would be infinitely patient to my own detriment. I'm so glad to be rid of that now!


05/23/2012 07:34 AM
p92868
p92868  
Posts: 2704
Senior Member

Gosh! Shefflera and Meg1129, your lines bring memories of how I did not buy into my father warped reality.....it was awful...I ended up moving out of our house to live with my then boyfriend...and you did not do that in my family or in the very traditional society I live in at that time...and I did bec I had given him an ultimatum previously and I carried on and executed the consequences!!!! (I feel soo proud now of how scary this was yet I stood up for my values!)......not to drink and come home to make my mom and I misserable (my two siblings were not living there no more)..... with his dilusions and scare us fisically when drunk.....long story short.....my dad moved out so I would come back home...my mom was the mediator....it took 2 days and my mom was blaming me for my father having moved out of the house....it was a mess!!!...I felt there was no logic to the values, the bounderies being crossed and tortured and abused!....some time later my dad moved back and we all lived together again.....I must have been 19 years old....also I remember in another incident...my dad had called and was coming home drunk....I was tired of getting threaten (mentally, emotionally and somewhat physically.......and my dad had most respect for me and not my mom appartently...I would just hear my mom scream while I would be in my room trying to sleep and waking up abbruptly freacking fearfully....kind of scenarios.....so my mom would protect herself by coming to my bedroom, we would lock the door and she would sleep in my twin size bed....)....and my dad came this one time to my door to talk and then later made a weird noise for an extended period of the night..... I could not figure out what it was.....to find the next day I think my mom must have shown the evidence to me....it had been a pillow that my dad had broken with a knife slowly......and all by my door ....it made a very strange torturing noise......in another incident very significant for me....that my dad had announced he was coming drunk...so I told my mom....I was leaving for the night in the car I had assigned for me to drive....she did not want to come with and wanted to stay...I had offered for her to come with...she had asked me where I was going to spend the night, how I was going to leave her by herself?...I said I am going to my grandpa's.....she said it was going to be a burden to him...so I replied I will sleep in the car outside his house which I did.....now, my dad had a permit to carry a hand gun...(at one point he had fired it in an exclusive private club permises and was suspended of the membership for a period of time; very embarassing)..and I was sooooooooo frightened my mom would be killed that night.....but at that moment I realized that no matter how much I was worried of my mom getting killed by my dad...it was her decision and no longer my responsability...(it was dreadful to try to sleep that evening for me).....Sick....my mom had chosen to stay with my dad coming home drunk to torture her (or perhaps chose not to?)........nothing happened but I did not experienced that evening his warped behaviour.....no wonder now, I remember wanting to study and getting a tutor to go to college and I could not concentrate bec my dad would come drunk and embarrass me ocassionally....my dad is now dead...he died while I had established a separation period (while I was seeing a phychologist who encourage me to do so and I am very glad of this) while I was living overseas....what is interesting is that my mom never changed back (if she had not been an abuser before marrying my father)!.....not sure if she had been an abuser herself all along...or my dad has converted her in an abusers behaviour.....what I have found through my abuser ex boyfriend I left 11 months today! (just realized it!....jupeee!!!! and tonight I had a dream that there was this man, boyfriend, that loved me!...was pleasant and surprised to feel it!!...)......that all my family members are sociopaths/abusers!!!!...I was brought up by abusers!!!!!!!..I did not know that!..and it all makes sense!!!!!....can you believe it?!....now I do and this put things in perspective in my life!!!...most important...I know how to deal with abusers....NO CONTACT!...so I am erradicating abusers in my life!...this has been a great opportunity to identify the animal, give it a name, so that I can deal with abuser appropriately!.....Angry

Post edited by: p92868, at: 05/23/2012 08:05 AM


05/24/2012 03:11 AM
sheli111
sheli111  
Posts: 52
Member



Post edited by: sheli111, at: 06/16/2012 11:58 PM

05/24/2012 08:30 AM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14599
Group Leader

Progress, not perfection! Smile

05/24/2012 08:32 AM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 4960
Group Leader

My husband often says that it doesn't really matter where you are right now... there's no shame in that. What is important though, is that you're on the right path and moving in the right direction. As long as we're on the right path, then we're successes all the time.

03/08/2013 07:18 AM
mysecretlife
mysecretlife  
Posts: 638
Member

Oh Wow! This is a wonderful list of boundaries! I'm going to print this out and hang it up on my fridge! Thanks so much!!

03/08/2013 11:03 AM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14599
Group Leader

This one should be on everyone's fridge!

05/02/2013 02:17 PM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14599
Group Leader

"Set your own standards and determine your own value. It doesn't matter what everyone else does – it matters what you do. If everyone else has done it and it's not exactly worked out for them, why repeat their relationship insanity? It's not about what other people are comfortable doing – it's about what you're comfortable doing and a lot of women spend their time doing stuff they're uncomfortable with because they're afraid that if they don't, they'll ‘lose'. You're losing anyway. Never make it easy for someone not to have come up with the basics of love, care, trust, and respect in a relationship….you're not that woman.

****

I don't care if one thousand women have gone before me and they've all had sex with you on the first night or whenever you chanced your arm for it – I'm not those women.

I have sex when I feel comfortable and if that time happens to be when I feel more confident about where I stand with you and the values, qualities, characteristics that you possess, you'll have to deal with it, or go back and have sex with one of the women that make it easier for you.

I don't care if you're used to corresponding by texts and emails and every other woman has put up with it – I'm not those women.

I don't care if you're used to disappearing and then coming back with little or no hassle. If you disappear on me, you'd better stay disappeared!

I don't care if your ex didn't mind if you wouldn't hold her hand in public and didn't mind that you're not affectionate – I do mind.

I don't care if all the other women let you date and shag them all at the same time. I'm not those women!

I don't care if you're used to getting a shag, an ego stroke, and a shoulder to lean on with minimal contribution into a relationship. I deserve more than crumbs.

I don't care if ‘other women' are more compliant and don't expect you to be a decent guy in a decent relationship. I'm not those women.

I don't care if every woman has been sympathetic to your commitment fears and let you coast through those relationships claiming that you're scared and you need time. I'm not those women.

I don't care if you're used to getting your own way and having things on your own terms. I'm a person of value who is an equal party to this relationship.

I don't care if every other woman let you go bareback because it feels good – strap up or piss off!

I don't care if you're used to dodging responsibility and accountability and blaming whoever you're involved with for your thoughtless actions. I'm not that woman.

I don't care if all the women you've been with have waited around for you to make up your mind while you reject them time and again. I'm not those women.

I don't care if your ex let you do X,Y, Z. I'm not her. I'm not that woman.

I don't care if other women have let you have sex with them when you have demonstrated or even said you're not interested in them/don't want a relationship. I'm not that woman.

I don't care if other women when you've told them you don't want a relationship with them have gone into overdrive trying to prove themselves to you so that you make them the exception. I'm not that woman.

I don't care if you're used to being with a woman who thinks you're the centre of the universe and the only source of her happiness – I'm not that woman.

I don't care if you're used to being with a woman with low self-esteem that let's you control the relationship and define her – I'm not that woman.

I don't care if you're used to pressing The Reset Button and acting like nothing has happened and getting away with it. I'm not that woman. I will remember.

I don't care if you're used to controlling someone's every move – I'm not that woman. Don't even try it.

I don't care if other women have believed you when you said you wouldn't lay a hand on them again – I'm not that woman. I'm not taking my chances.

I don't care if every other woman felt sympathetic to your One Time in Bandcamp tales of woe and excused all your dodgy behaviour – I am most definitely not that woman.

I don't care if every other woman has put you on the deeds of her house or given you access to her bank account. I am not that woman. Are you crazy?

I don't care if you're used to having virtual sex and sending nude pics to women you met a hot minute ago on a dating site – I'm not that woman.

I don't care if other women don't mind if you're married/attached – I do. You should.

I don't care if other women let you call them up late at night and let you come round for sex – I'm not those women.

I don't care if you're used to women competing for you, fighting in the street and getting into all sorts of craziness. I'm not that woman.

I don't care if other women have been prepared to ‘go with the flow' when there is no flow or you've been flowing backwards. I'm not those women. I am entitled to be with someone who is not afraid to see a future with me.

I don't care if you're used to playing a cat and mouse game. I'm not that woman. You're either in or you're out.

I don't care if you're used to having your lame excuses like my cat was stuck up a tree/battery not working/The Busiest Week Ever/I lost your number etc accepted. I'm not that woman.

I don't care if your mother and every other woman you've been with has let you do as you please – I'm not that woman.

And….

I don't care if you're upset because I won't let you mess around with my head and my emotions now that we've broken up. I'm not that woman.

I don't care if you're upset because I won't be your friend now that I've got tired of you rejecting me for the umpteenth time. I used to be that woman but now I'm not.

I don't care if all your exes let you call them up and use them for a shag, an ego stroke, a shoulder to lean on, money, whatever. I'm not that woman.

I don't care if you're worried about what everyone will think of you now that a ‘good woman' has left you. I'm worrying about myself.

I don't care if the last time we broke up I let you call me up, sleep with me etc. I used to be that woman but I'm not anymore.

I don't care if other women let you force your version of the truth on them. I'm not that woman and I make up my mind about my truth.

I don't care if you've just separated or divorced and are looking to try on a new relationship for size. I'm not that woman.

I don't care if you just broke up with your ex and are looking for a Fallback Girl to be a buffer and let you treat her like an option so you can avoid the pain of your breakup. I'm not that woman. I'm not your emotional airbag.

I don't care if other women think that guys like you are the best they can do. I'm not that woman. You're not the man for me.

I don't care if me having boundaries and treating myself with love, care, trust, and respect writes me off from being with you. If being with and loving you means I can't love me, I'll choose me. Other women might be prepared to let you bust up their boundaries, but you guessed it…I'm not that woman.

I know it's not easy out there but I know what I've experienced and to continue to carry the same baggage, beliefs, and attitudes and choose the same people different package and expect different results would be relationship insanity. Others may not be ready to get off the merry-go-round…but I'm not that woman."

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/im-not-that-woman-an-ode- for-every-woman-who-has-loved-lost-and-forgotten-her-value/

Reply

Share this discussion with your friends:
<< Start < Prev 1 Next > End >>


Disclaimer: The information provided in MDJunction is not a replacement for medical diagnosis, treatment, or professional medical advice.
In case of EMERGENCY call 911 or 1.800.273.TALK (8255) to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Read more.
Contact Us | About Us
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 MDJunction.com All Rights Reserved