Emotional Abuse Support Group

I have had really up and down feelings, it's been a rollercoaster so hasn't been totally fantastic ... yet! But my husband has also attended 2 group meetings at his abuser group.

Anyway. I feel like I might be starting to come out of the rollercoaster feelings a bit. I've been feeling very positive for a few days now, without any down part. But it's too early to tell whether it's permanent, I think.

However, I am L.O.V.I.N.G. being in my home, on my terms. It is wonderful. No looking over my shoulder, hiding any 'me time' or any purchases that are on 'me', I'm in total control of my money, I feel at ease and comfortable at home. I feel in control for the first time in a very long time. And that makes me so happy. My house is clean and tidy and easy to keep on top of (I don't know why, but maybe because I'm not worrying about him/us all the time). I feel so positive about him not being in my home. It feels finally like it is that 'safe place to fall', that cocoon from the hardships of life.

I can curl up and watch tv - anything I want to watch!, leave the washing til tomorrow, eat pasta 5 days in a row, get out my sewing machine, read a book or whatever. I am free to make my own decisions without fear of disapproval.

Work-wise I have booked onto a course so that I can become a professional face-painter! I'm so excited about this I can go to village shows, school and craft fairs, festivals and kids parties etc. Fits in perfectly with the children. I also am applying for a 10 hour a week admin job that is working from home and flexible around the children. Life is good.

I have also finally booked the final modules of my degree course! Yay. I hadn't done this because my husband really disapproved and went at me non-stop to drop it, which I did because it got too much. So, in May I start a counselling module, and then in Jan 2012 I am starting the final module which is about research with children. Who knows what from there!

I'm getting a couple of days a week without the children which is strange (they are with my husband). I love my kids so much and really miss them. I home educate so they are at home all the time, I've not been away from them before. I used to get 3-4 days without any children a year at the most. So, it's taking some adjusting to. But it does mean that I have time to look for work and have guilt-free time to read/watch films/see friends/attend courses/do coursework. My youngest won't stay over anywhere so he comes home for the evenings too.

I am also thinking of having another tattoo!!! Haven't had one since my early twenties, but am thinking on ideas that symbolise my children. Possibly the eternity sign (like a sideways 8 ) and maybe four flowers, or four butterflies or bees, or something. Not sure yet

All in all, life is good and starting to work out well. I'm still really missing the company of my husband, and feeling an emotional pull to him but very very slowly the benefits are outweighing the -perceived- negatives.

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My light bulb moment was finding Lundy Bancroft's book and reading the reviews on amazon. I read all of them - about 200!! And during the hour or so I was reading it dawned on me that *this* is what had been going on in our relationship - not any of the other stuff I'd been sidetracked with.

By the next day I got the book from the library and read it cover to cover and that lightbulb was shining very very brightly! No matter how difficult it's been since or how much I've wanted just to go the 'easier' path (which would be getting back together. But only 'easier', temporarily) that lightbulb has been lighting my way. Admittedly just a dull flicker at times, but it's never quite gone out.

Naming the problem as an abusive relationship has cut through all the confusion and fog that I have lived for the last 14 years and shown me the clear path that I know I need to take.

I love cats by the way(Im a serious cat fanatic)

I am so happy you are doing well.I remember when my husband left for a month.I missed him physically but was so comfortable and at ease around my house.I lost ten pounds because

I wasnt as nervous and on edge.Just felt better and at peace.Sounds like you will be fine!

I am still waiting for the book to come in at the library...it is checked out by others

right now.i think I read it awhile back but need to read it again.hugs

Wanda

Maybe it made me step out of myself and see how he treats women in general in a new perspective.

Since then I don't own any of his outbursts. I may have some issues (human!) but not like he says.

I haven't gotten that book but will check the library. Thanks for reposting that Meg!

I was molested at the age of 7 by a kid at school and because my parents were physically and emotionally abusive, I thought I would get in trouble if I told them. So I never told anyone what happened. As a result, I lived a life of continued sexual abuse, depression and suicide attempts and had relationships with abusive men. Then I married the narcissist. For 6 1/2 years I endured psychological and emotional abuse by him, his ex (also a narcissist), and his daughter (now also a narcissist). I was in therapy for anger management for 2 years because when I urged my husband to go to couple's counseling with me he blamed all our relationship troubles on me and I believed him - after all, I was the one losing my temper and flying into fits of rage.

Little did he know how well the therapy was going to work! (victory #3) Through my work in therapy I uncovered the reason why I was so angry all the time - I was being severely emotionally abused by 3 narcissists!! After that discovery, it took only 2 more weeks to leave him.

I have continued going to therapy once or twice a week and also joined a support group for victims of domestic violence (victory #4). With a lot of dedicated work on myself and very little time spent obsessing about all the pain and suffering I have endured in my life, I have grown into a completely different person than I have ever been and ever knew I could even be. I made my mental health the top priority in my life for the last 5 months and it has really paid off. I am now a happy, confident, generous, caring woman (victory #5)! It is the best revenge anyone could ever have against a lifetime of abuse.

This is not to say that the struggle is over. I am on a path of continued growth and there are moments of "regression" and I have struggled mightily to stay on that path, but have succeeded so far. I have a new awareness of myself that allows me to catch myself when I start to slip back into depression or anger and I can pull myself out of it without permanent damage (victory #6).

And now for my recent accomplishments that I am very proud of. I hope it doesn't seem arrogant. It's just that I can't find a single person in my real life who can appreciate how much I have struggled in my life and how hard I have worked to get where I am today.

1. I went with the state coalition against domestic violence to lobby for continued funding for dv services - something I never in my wildest dreams would've imagined myself doing. I actually sat in the offices of legislators and told them my story!!

2. I confronted my boss at work about his abusive behavior and gained his respect instead of losing my job!

3. I am organizing a fund-raising event for the dv shelter that helped me get out of my abusive marriage.

4. I am taking steps towards getting a master's degree in social work because I feel so compelled to help others who are going through what I did.

5. I am volunteering like crazy to try and make the world a little bit better - anything from cooking meals for the women's shelter to restoring wildlife habitat in my community.

Thanks for reading and thanks for your support!

I had one yesterday morning at 5a.m.; I woke one hour before the alarm was suppose to go off, I looked up and I realized that pain that I carried on the right, bottom side of my heart was gone. The pain of wondering what have I done wrong, does he love me, will he come to bed, will he talk to me, will he be a family with me and my daughter, it was gone!

That’s right gone! The stress gone! I realized right then and there, I am free, I am free to live my life and think about myself and have new friends and learn new things.

I am also free to find the correct kind of love; someone that wants to talk things out, and not always tell me I am crazy.

I am free to have a thought without someone saying, “No” you shouldn’t do it that way or I am wrong. I am free to turn on the TV and watch Jersey Shore and not hear about how match I am in arrested-development because I want to watch that TV show.

I am free from the mind games of thinking my husband is thinking of living me for another woman; or what he was keeping from me. I had to ask the right questions or he would leave things like; “Well, you didn’t ask, I would have told u.”

I truly HATED feeling that way; everything I did was wrong, everything I said was and I never knew when he was going to stop talking to me b/c I did something wrong. The whole emotional blackmail, GONE!

Anyone that is still in a relationship and is thinking of leaving; just remember if u truly want to feel good again it does get better. U just need to give it a chance, therapy is working for me, group support, being on line with everyone here, and I am open to the loving relationships in my personal life. The first two months where the hardest, I couldn’t believe I was alone again, now I realize I am FREE.

Hugs

I am so down this week. Nothing is going right and I'm so burned out at work. Saw my counselor yesterday, she suggested maybe increasing my dosage of anti-depressant for while. She said I need to make time for me at lease once a week to do something I want to do for fun, but I don't even feel like I have that much time. I feel like I work my job and then go home and work on the house.

Last night, out of the blue, he called my land line. He never did that before - or maybe he did and I didn't know it. I just got new phones because the others were bad. Anyway, he wanted me to come over to have a drink with him. I told him no and we talked a little. Before I knew it I was agreeing to go out with him tonight for dinner! I must have been out of my mind!

After sleeping on it I realized it's not what I want and texted him and cancelled. He wished me well. I think I'm so tired and depressed that my guard was down. I'll have to watch that or I'm really going to do something stupid. If he calls my land line again I'll block his number.

As I think about that experience today, I am so glad I did the right thing. I do realize that if I get back with him nothing will have changed. I want something new. I want something better!