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09/16/2009 07:56 PM

Is this normal or am I right for being here

mindino
Posts: 1
New Member

Hi everyone. Thanks in advance for any insight or advice you can give me. Since I am recently divorced and new to the dating world I am just wondering if some of the things my boyfriend does is normal or if I know that it is not and just need validation.

I don't even know where to start to explain the situation. Sometimes he can be so sweet and loving and other times he can be downright mean and nasty.

Some examples of his questionable behavior:

-He questions when I don't answer my phone when he calls. It makes him mad because I should know when he is calling.

-He doesn't like the majority of girls that I attempt or want to hang out with even if he is not around.

-He got very upset that I was on facebook so I ended up deleting my account.

-He tells me how I should spend my money.

-He rubs it in my face if he spends money on me.

-He gets mad at me for being clingy and needy yet he can be needy at times too.

-He tries to control who I see and what I do.

Is this normal??

I guess deep down I know that it probably isn't but I am so in love with him that I have accepted his behavior because I don't want to lose him.

Am I crazy?

I try to rationalize and say that if he physically abused me it would be easy to leave because I would not tolerate that. So why do I tolerate this?

Post edited by: mindino, at: 09/16/2009 08:09 PM

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09/17/2009 11:06 AM
catiana
catianaPosts: 600
Member

you are not crazy..and this is NOT normal..my advice run as fast as you can before you get more involved..it will get so much harder to live in time!if he acts this way now when things are new..imagine when you will marry him..he will feel he has total control and probably start offending you too..and in time even apply small "corrections"..it's usually the road this kinda relationships follow..sorrySadmaybe convince him to take therapy starting now!!!if he refuses saying YOU are the one with a problem and starts saying you are just crazy and overreacting..dump his ass instantly girl..cuz these are all phrases normally used by all abusersWinkwrite back and let me know ok?you can write as much as you want and ask anything you are concerned about you'll always find advice and someone to listen here Laughingthat would be me basically for now LOL

Post edited by: catiana, at: 09/19/2009 01:45 AM


10/04/2009 02:40 AM
Billi1

emotional abuse is subtle; it's hard to know what's normal.

All I know is this: If you feel put down or crazy by someone's talking to you, chances are it is abuse!

Glad you shared.

Keep sharing with us.

Jencarlene


10/25/2009 05:24 PM
mouser98
Posts: 1
New Member

you are wasting your time with therapy. i could write a small book about this guy because i have been this guy at times in my life. trust me, you will not change him, even if you got him into therapy, it would not change him. there is no hope for this relationship. this guy has deep insecurity issues and they will manifest themselves as abuse and jealousy throughout your relationship with him. get away from him now and do not look back.

10/26/2009 10:51 PM
recoveringbroken

No, it is not a normal relationship. Those are classic red flags and behaviors of a control freak and potential narcissist. They are also classic signs of a potential emotional abuser that can lead to much greater abuse. Healthy relationships support each other and encourage each others growth, and self concept, not control each other and isolate.

Emotional abusers game is to manipulate and brain wash you into doubting every single thing about yourself, including your sanity. Get out now.

This sounds exactly like my ex.


10/27/2009 09:24 AM
SosadMand
SosadMandPosts: 47
Member

This is not normal, this is not love coming from him. Sweetie, run as fast as you can, because once you are in it for a long time, its so much harder to escape. It is not normal that you have to be constantly defending yourself, or cutting yourself of from friends and family just because he is insecure....run baby run

10/27/2009 12:02 PM
Ceara
Posts: 5
New Member

No one can tell you when it is your time to leave. I was told this constantly. I was in love with the man i had met, the man he continually promised me he would be if i would only forgive him for his actions they would never happen again.

Unfortunately things only got worse, as his attempts to control me led to little results his actions continued to escalate. He would do worse and worse things to get a reaction and gain control from me.

People only change when they work towards it, no one will change when they are doing nothing to improve themselves. Look at your life in 5 years and assume he does not change, is this a life you would choose for yourself? For your mother? For your daughter?

Find the strength within you that you once knew, a better tomorrow is there but it will not be easy.


10/30/2009 10:53 PM
bamamom
bamamom  
Posts: 14
New Member

Run! If he loved you, he would be glad that you are happy chatting on facebook. If he loved you he would trust you when you didn't answer your phone to be just busy. If he loved you he would want you to have a girls night out. He would give you some money to spend however you wanted. He would love you enough so you didn't have to feel clingy, you would be secure and KNOW that he loved you back.

Go find someone who really loves you.


11/03/2009 04:11 PM
OriJnel
OriJnel  
Posts: 21
Member

Those are all sever red flags of a control freak and abuser.. Thats just how it starts as well.. dont be like i was 3 years ago and see past it and think it willchange because it will not . You coudl get someone so much better who will want you to do all the thigns he does not and will not scold you liek a parent for not answereing or being on time or w/e. Trust seems to be something he lacks and doesnnt belive in.. Drop him quick and be safe. Lay low from him and be careful.

janelle


11/04/2009 01:45 AM
applejuice
Posts: 21
Member

Hi Mindino,

I agree with all these posts.Though he can be sweet at times, most abusers can be be.They seem to be skilled in meeting a few needs once in awhile so the person will doubt themself and trust them.This is serious emotional abuse and gets much much worse as times goes on.This kind of abuse leads down a path of destruction.Abusers seem to be masters at what they do.There are people out there who will truly love you and be there for you.He is probably afraid you will meet one , or have time to reflect and catch on and run.But run is my advice to you and do not look back , even if it hurts for awhile, do not doubt yourself or fall for his lies , pretense at being hurt or suicidal or needing you or tears,or threats, it is all a trap.Do not fall for his pretend confusion of you thinking he is an abuser, do not let him tell you you are twisting things , not understanding etc, delusional, etc.It is all a trap.Run away and find real authentic love.That is my just my advice, but these are very smooth talkers.

applejuice

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