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07/21/2009 03:49 AM

Erm, hello everyone

hollyparker
 
Posts: 10
New Member

Hello.

For years I thought there was something seriously wrong with me - Autism or bi polar or something.

This was because my mum convinced me that there was something.

Then I saw a psyciatrist. Finally, after years of being different, a life time of failures, I had a diagnoses. But that diagnoses, as it turns out, was that I had NOTHING wrong with me. All my problems, he said, every single one of them, came down to one thing. I was emotionally abused by my mother.

Now me and my mum have never had a good relationship. I was always a daddy's girl. But I never thought myself abused. So he went through a few things with me, about what emotional abuse is, and how it works.

From a very young age, I remember treading on eggshells around the house, unsure of how my mum would react to things. She would turn as quickly as someone could flip a coin, shouting at me and calling me stupid one moment, and telling me she loved me and how proud she was of me the next.

At parties, gatherings or any time we had guests round, she would totally ignore me. She wouldn't even acknowledge my existance.

When I got bullied at school, her response at home would be 'What did YOU do to make them want to bully you.' If I didn't get top mark in school, I was not trying hard enough.

I was a very well behaved child, a fact my mum was quick to critise. 'Why can't you be a NORMAL teenager? Go out and get drunk, get a boy friend. Don't just sit there with your nose in a book.'

She would costantly tell me she wished I was someone else - my cousin or one of my friends or even the girl who bullied me in school. I grew to wish that too.

I was lucky - my dad was the house husband, being disabled, and my mum went out to work, so I didn't have her all day. But she liked her alcohol. The moment she came home, head in the cuboard, out came the alcohol.

My dad was a great support. He encouraged me and helped build my confidence. But I didn't tell him very much.

Mum would make fun of me if I cried - crying shows weakness. Even to this day I find it difficult to cry in public. She would take her anger out on me too.

When I was in college, my parents split up. By this time, I had noticed mum was just as mean to my dad a lot of them time, and she had hit him before too. I went to live with my dad, even though it meant for a short time we were living in a car with no home. I'd rather that than with my mum.

But I still went to see her, and she used to divorce against me and used me against my dad. She wouldn't let me take my things, so I found myself sneaking them out of the house during the weekends I'd go and stay with her.

We had arguement after arguement. One day, she was making a sandwich. She was cutting cheese, and started asking about my dad. I said it was none of her business, and her paranoia started. I had obviously told him everything about her and was obviously on his side. This was not true. I had been trying to stay out of it, something my dad respected.

I told her not to be so stupid, and in that moment she turned on me. She didn't stab me with the knife, don't worry, but she was very threatening, and I thought for a moment, as she advanced on me, that she would.

She told the family how awful I was, and tried to turn them against me. She even got hold of members of my dad's family and painted me and my dad out to be abolute monsters. My step sister (from my dad's first wofe) rang me immediately. This was the first time we had spoken in years, but she said my mum was nasty, and I should stay away from her until this blows over.

I tried to rebuild my relationship with my mum, and we occassionally speak. But it is rarely words of comfort or encouragement. When I announced I was going to University, she replied with 'I'll believe that when you graduate' and when I applied to be a special in the police force, she said 'you wont pass the first stage'.

After getting the diagnoses from the psyciatrist, I began to look back over the events of my childhood. The put downs, the need for her to always look like the good guy. Even when she complimented me, she would have to add a put down. 'Oh isn't it great my daughter coming out with her GCSEs, especially with her Special Needs.'

For years I couldn't tie my shoe laces, speak properly or ballence on one foot - all because my mum said I couldn't. I was really good at making friends, but my mum would say I was rubbish and keeping them, so I would get nervous of hurting them and push them away, thinking I was a bad person and didn't deserve any friends.

I would bring school work home, and she would throw it in the bin.

Then came the most hurtful things of all. She said to me, quite out of the blue, that if me and my dad were dieing and she could only save one, it would be my dad because they could make more of me. And so this continued, with other examples of how I was worth far less than anyone else in the world. And this still continues to this day.

I am not greedy, but I do think it unfair that I am her only child yet she will spend 200/300 pound per present at Christmas for her step kids, and other people's kids, and then a maximum of £10 on an unthoughtful present on me. It isn't even the money, it's the fact that she seems to not know me at all.

When she did spends loads on me, she bought me a pile of clothes which were way to small - her way of telling me I was too fat. Now I am losing weight, she has to go telling everyone she has lost more than me while saying to me that she doesn't think it will last.

Sorry this is long, just need to rant. I am going back over lots of things, and realising a lot of my childhood was not normal.

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07/21/2009 06:10 AM
nicolechittock
nicolechittock  
Posts: 475
Member

Welcome, Holly, and thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry you've been through all that, but I'm happy that you're finally able to acknowledge the abuse so that you can begin to heal from it. Smile
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