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05/22/2012 10:09 PM

why do I question this abuse? My story ....

gigglygone
Posts: 5
New Member

IHi everyone! I am sitting here right now nervous as can be because I know my husband who is my abuser hates when I stay up without him..

So let me get you caught up in my life. I am 36 years old. My husband is 57. I met him almost twelve years ago through work. When we initially met it was all work related and done over the phone. We lived in separate States at the time. I was not attracted to him in the beginning but he was always sweet and I was getting out of a bad relationship so he listened to me complain. We started getting pretty chatty over the phone and he would get kind of flurry. One day in conversation he asked me out. I laughed and said if you fly out here I will go on a date. About a week later I received an email from him with his flight information. I was so flattered that he liked me that much to fly out here! We started having a long distance relationship. He seemed like such a great guy. He paid for everything, sent me flowers, opened all doors. I thought I finally found my fairytale ending I always wanted. What I didn't realize was the start of a long road was him constantly calling. I felt like he just loved me that much. He asked me to marry him eventually and I actually declined several times because my family was not so thrilled of me marring a man 20 years older with a previous divorce and 2 children. Finally I said yes and we planned the wedding. Prior to getting married we discussed children and I made it known to him that I wanted at least 1 and I would like to try after we wed. He agreed but until then we followed a chart so that I wouldn't. I flew out by him to move his things and I remember asking him if it was a safe time to be intimate. He charted it all and I trusted him. He said yes we would be fine. So there I was on our wedding day 5 months pregnant. He finally admitted that he knew I was. ffertile and that I said I wanted kids! Didn't realize at the time that was the start of his controlling ways. Newly married I mistook control as love. When I went out with friends, which was rare, he would call me every 30 minutes. When I would confront him about it he would say that its because he is worried about me. He did it so much that friends and family would get aggravated. He always wanted to know the who., what, when, where and why. If I told him I was going to one place he wanted me to call when I got there and if I was going somewhere else he wanted me to call to tell him. He lost his job and we had to move to a different state where we didn't know anyone. We only lived there a year and I was so depressed being away from friends and family that we moved back but he seemed the happiest there. We moved back in 2005 and had a second child. I went through post partum and he never understood. One night I was crying on our bathroom floor and he told me to get off the floor and stop crying. No comfort what so ever. During and after this he grew distant. He would work, come home and eat dinner and watch Tv. I was a full time stay at home mom so I looked forward to some conversation. I felt so unloved and neglected and started joint chat groups. Ended up having an emotional affair with a man long distance. We never met but spoke everyday. My husband found out and was raged. I apoligized and explained why I did it. I wanted to talk yo someone. He punished me over and over for that. Took my cell phone and would hardly let me go anywhere. I was so sorry and tried to make it up to him. I wanted to prove I still loved him so I agreed to another child. The same pattern happened again with neglect of attention from him. Unfortunately again..5 years later.. I seek the attention else where. He found out and since then things have gotten worse. He has threatened suicide several times, held knives to his chest, told me that if I left him that me and my kids would live in the ghetto..yes..he said my kids. Said I would have a tough life. May I also add that the past 8 years I have dealt with his addiction to prescription meds too. Lately he just gets so moody. He was always moody but its worse now. He has always cried or sulked or given me the cold shoulder and still does. I have asked him to go get help for his controlling ways and pill addiction but he wont admit that he has issues with that. He seen a therapist who sent me a note after his second session asking what I think he needs to work on. Isn't that her job to find out? Sorry its so long but this isn't all of it. He manipulated me still and gets angry when I'm not right near him. I question still if its abuse because of what I did

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05/22/2012 11:58 PM
mem7205

No one deserves to be abused.Ever.Not for ANY reason.Abuse is a choice and there is always another choice he could have made.Controlling behavior is abuse.Emotional blackmail and manipulation are abuse.Isolating you from friends and family is abuse.Coercing you to stay with threats of poverty is abuse.Please click on "General & Support."There you will find links on how to make a safety plan and take the mosaic threat accessment test.Make a plan.Take the test.Life is to short to spend it being miserable.It sounds like you need to decide if this is the way you want to spend the rest of your life.With a man who does not care about you, meet your needs and who hurts you.

HUGS.Lanna


05/23/2012 06:11 AM
gigglygone
Posts: 5
New Member

Thank you Lanna for your response and support. I hate the feeling that I dont have the control over my own life. He always makes excuses for his controlling behavior and says its because he loves me and worries. He will not admit to me or his therapist that he has problems. Another example of his control is when ever I leave the house, doesn't matter what I am doing whether it's just going to dinner with a friend or just going up to startbucks for a couple of hours to read and have a mommy break, he will find reasons to text or call and be VERY nasty with his tone. He makes me feel so guilty for leaving. He always wants all my attention. If he is sitting and watching TV he wants me right there watching to. He is constantly invading my privacy , which I have done some things to put a stop to. If im in the bathroom and he cant find me in the house he will look for me and just walk in on me while im in the bathroom. I now lock the door so that he cant come in. He gets upset when I do that to. I always feel like i am on eggshells around him.

05/23/2012 07:28 AM
Kyra74
Kyra74  
Posts: 158
Member

Gigglygone, you do not deserve to be treated that way. I am just now getting to the end of my rope with my abuser and have recently started seeking help for my situation. My husband also calls me all the time in the event I ever go out , ( which is a rare opportunity ) He is also nasty or snide , blaming his calling on the children, "they want to know when you are comming home, or they need help with homework that I do not understand.... etc. Now he just has the children call me instead. My home is also like walking on eggshells. My husband tells my children that I am so heartless that I am kicking him out and he will have to live under a bridge . My youngest would come crying to me about how mean I am and she hates me for being so mean to daddy. I orriginally let him stay, but then it has now gotten to the point that I can not continue this anymore. I came here for advise. I am just at the begining of my journey to freedom from abuse, maybe we can start our journey together. Everyone here is so supportive. I was told about a book on this forum that is amazing. It is called " Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling "by Lundy Bancroft. I just bought it, and it is hard to put down ( however I have to when my husband is arround ) It sounds like maybe with all the wonderful people here, we can climb our way out of our abusive relationships. feel free to PM me any time.

Kyra


05/23/2012 08:43 AM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14599
Group Leader

Hi and welcome to our group! I don't have much time right now, but I want to recommend you read our group bible, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. Bancroft has worked with thousands of abusers for nearly 20 years and really knows how they think and what motivates them. Once you learn these things, their abuse has little to no effect on you anymore. It's like learning how a magician does all of his tricks. This book has been life changing for so many of our members.

I put a link to it below on Amazon where you can read reviews of it and a chapter for free, but you can get it anywhere, even your public library. If your library doesn't have it, ask them to get it for you via inter-library loan.

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/ 0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1337787680&sr=1-1


05/23/2012 09:30 AM
gigglygone
Posts: 5
New Member

Kyra~ My husband does the same thing with having the kids call me at times to! It makes me feel worse when i am gone. About a month ago I called the police on him because he was calling all his friends and family saying his"final goodbyes" to them. Which is his suicidal talk. As I was picking up the phone he grabbed a knife and held it up to his chest and told me not to call the police. As the dispatcher came on my first words were"My husband is standing in my kitchen with a knife to his chest and I have 3 small kids in the house!" They could not arrest him because he was not armed when they got here but they were trying to convince me to let them take him for a psych eval. I just couldn't do it but now wish I had. I told him to get out that day but my kids made me feel like the bad guy and he helped them along to believe that , that I let him come back. He is still here but hasn't changed. He still wants to control me and I want out so bad but just dont know how. I do not have any income and he makes it hard for me to save any of his paycheck. His family all lives in another state so being the person I am I get concerned of where he will stay. I did make a mental note to self that if he does something that crazy again he will be out permanently! I wish I would have done it a month ago! I hate myself for that! I have 3 young boys and get very concerned for their future..I don't want them to think this is how a relationship is suppose to be!

05/23/2012 10:21 AM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 4960
Group Leader

Welcome to the group Gigglygone! Definitely try to get a hold of Why Does He Do That by Bancroft ASAP! I assure you, it will help validate all the things you have been feeling and help you make sense of it all. The more you learn about the nature of abuse (and what the motivations of an abuser are), the easier it will be to identify his tactics and in turn, protect yourself!

05/23/2012 10:22 AM
Kyra74
Kyra74  
Posts: 158
Member

Do not beat yourself up for not having the police take him for a mandtory hold. At the time, you did what you thought was nessisary when you called the police on him. I was in a similar situation , when I picked my husband up from the bar . He was so drunk, he could not even stand up. He wanted to be taken to the hospital , so I took him. The staff at the hospital suggested I have him admitted on a 72 hour hold for chemical dependancy evaluation, and I thought about it, said yes, then after a while, I told them I would just take him home. I know that was a mistake, but at the time I thought that was the best decision. I can not change what I did then, only how I choose to react now. I am encouraged that you are realizing this now while your children are young. Mine are 15 and 10 and they are already picking up on some of his behavior. I wish I would have been strong enough when my children were younger to come to grips that this is an unhealthy, abusive relationship. If your husband works a regular job with regular hours, (like 9-5 mon-fri) you can always start doing some work from home, even if it is part time and put that money away. I know it would be hard to put some of his paycheck away. That may work at the begining, but he would eventually catch on. You are doing the right thing. If he threatens to hurt himself again, that is just another way for him to controll you. Try not to play into his behavior. Maybe next time , if he does that again , take the kids and go to the neighbors until you feel it is safe to go back. The kids to not need to see that. Are the kids old enough to be in school yet?

05/23/2012 10:32 AM
Schefflera
Schefflera  
Posts: 4960
Group Leader

It is common for victims of emotional abuse to feel guilty when their abusers actually meet consequences of their actions. If you call the police on him, you have to keep this in mind: YOU didn't send him to jail. You didn't arrest him. He's the one that chose to be abusive, he's the one that chose to take illegal actions. Not you! You certainly didn't ask for any of that! Adults have to face the consequences of their actions, and you are not responsible for consequences of HIS actions. He chose to be a criminal, not you!

05/23/2012 01:05 PM
Meg1129
Meg1129Posts: 14599
Group Leader

Scheff is right. They may be abusers, but they know right from wrong. Don't feel guilty for protecting yourself and your children.

As for him changing, forget it. Abusers never change. Their abusivness is a result of a warped value system which includes a sense of entitlement, a need for control and a low opinion of women. Therapy isn't going to change that. As for his threats of suicide, those are very common among abusers. I can't tell you not to take them seriously, but they usually don't follow through. It's just another manipulation. The next time he threatens to kill himself, call the police. Let them take him away to wherever. Maybe that will teach him to stop. It's abusive for him to threaten suicide if he doesn't get his way. In fact, he's saying that the only way for him to be happy is for you to totally give up and let him control you.

As for his excuse that his controlling behaviour is the result of his great love for you, don't buy it. That's Abuser 101. I heard that too and so did many other members of our board. If he truly loved you, he'd be incapable of abusing you.

Get Bancroft's book as soon as you can.

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