Emotional Abuse Support Group

My abuser requested to be my friend on Facebook after I had not talked to him for a year. Below is the conversation that endured. I blocked him at first but decided I needed to take the opportunity to let him know a few things.

Me to him

WTF?!?

Seriously? You're going to act like everything is cool between us. Do you think 5 years corrects any of the shit you put me through. All of your manipulation, lies, verbal and physical abuse put me in a rough spot and now you want to be friends with me?!? You broke my fucking heart more than once and shit will NEVER be good between us. EVER!

I believe your last words to me were and I qoute " If you ever come to this city again I will fucking smash you bitch". What you think I wouldn't remember? You fucked up and got your game twisted and took it out on me. I was the best thing that ever happened to you and you could never see that. Instead you decided you would treat me like dirt and play your stupid fucking games with any girl you could give dick to.

Your right I have 2 beautiful little boys and a husband who would do anything for me. I am happier than I have ever been so I just don't see you being a part of any of it. You had your chance to be a part of my life and you ruined it. I don't want to be friends with you. If you take anything away from this conversation I hope it's that you learn to be a better man and human being.

Him to Me

growing up

You know on my path to growing up I've been through a lot of things and different experiences,and I have hurt people along the way including you. But I have become a better person. I am a good person. I learned how to forgive. You should try it. Not that I'm asking you to forgive me for anything. You have to deal with those consequences. I have forgiven myself. And I do apologize for what I did but I can't change that now. I'm happy for you and all that you have accomplished. Hope you enjoy the rest of your life and remain happy. I leave you with one thing. I am a good man,father,and I know it.

Me to him

I'm glad you have grown up and I do know how to forgive ( I believe I forgave you for a lot of things) but in the end I just can't forgive you for everything you put me through.

I wish you the best in whatever life throws at you and I wish your daughter the best. I am sure you are a great father and provide for her with whatever she needs. If you can give her one thing in life..teach her to not accept the way you treated me when she starts to date other men. I fully believe if I would have stood my ground with you more often and told you to fuck off when you did me dirty things would not have gone as far as they did with us.

Have a great life and god bless.[b]

I wish now that I never would have written that last part. I feel as though he sucked me right back in to me feeling bad for him. Thoughts?

I wouldn't worry too much about it at this point. The best thing you could do now is just to ignore him from here on out. It makes no difference one way or the other as long as you don't act on it in the future. I imagine he was trying to feel better about himself by declaring that he's a "new man" or whatever, but I can't think of any good that would come out of you opening communications with him. Trust your instincts to keep the borders shut from now on!

I know it's tempting to let abusers know a few things, but every contact, even if it's just to tell them to f*** off, is encouraging to them. It's like feeding a stray dog. You know better now so just go no contact. Abusers never change.

Right here "I learned how to forgive. You should try it." That right there reminds me of my ex, and it is a hook, and it shows he has not changed one bit. Its a backhanded slam meant to make you immediately doubt yourself!

He starts with all this crap about how good he is now, and then finally goes "I have forgiven myself. And I do apologize for what I did but I can't change that now." What a floppy, stupid apology. That sounds like his rationalle. I would be more mild in my own response in this post ---- but i JUST re-read the chapter in the Bancroft book that talks about their apologies, and their mentality about them. If he REALLY knew what he put you through he would at LEAST acknoweldge ONE of your grievances from your letter above that. Did he say "yes, I remember saying that to you, and it was horrible. and yes, i cant even imagine all the months it must have taken for you to recover after we broke up" or anything of the sort? No!!!!! It was all about him. I agree with meg-- you dont need to feel badly about writing back to him, its niether here nor there--- but just dont feel guilty, and dont keep talking to him. He isnt better. He is being really transparent in my opinion. He wants to "get' you by showing you how great he is right now. He probably just got dumped/rejected by someone and wants to boost his ego. I apologize for sounding so sassy, i am in an angry part of my own recovery so stuff like this just gets me going!

Post edited by: starrybook2, at: 05/11/2012 10:58 PM

Post edited by: starrybook2, at: 05/11/2012 10:59 PM

"Not that I'm asking you to forgive me for anything. You have to deal with those consequences."

That is so twisted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not that he is asking you to forgive him, because if you dont forgive him what is the consequence? He doesnt get his ego stroked by you? You dont minimize what happened? What is the consequence? Wait, so you were abused by him and now you OWE HIM YOUR FORGIVENESS? Oh so classic. SO so so so so classic. Ok i am done ranting now. Thanks for sharing this quote.

my opinion?, no doubt about it just block him and ignore him, change your privacy settings so he can't see your profile and have nothing at all to do with him.

Forgiving is for your benefit, to help you heal and to move on with your life, you owe him nothing

Abusers want you to forgive and forget everything they do, but everything you have done is never forgiven or forgetten, even something innocent. They hold it over you every chance they get.

Thank you for replying and analyzing this for me. It has been tormenting me for awhile now. I had it saved in my inbox and had no one to really talk to about it. I know how twisted everything sounds now and I now I know that he was only stroking his own ego. I always thought he had at least some love for me but after watching Bancroft on UTUBE last weekend it has opened my eyes to a lot of things.

Every time he said he loved me, he was telling me how I benefitted him and that is about it. He doesn't know what real love is. I remember once he talked to me about Eloping and how he could really use the medical benefits that came along with marriage. (I worked at a hospital). I think of this now and want to gag. He didn't want to marry me because he loved me and couldn't live without me, he saw the benefit of having health insurance.

By him saying that I have to deal with the consequences of not forgiving him, he is referring to eternal life and that I have to meet my maker someday and he will know I have hatred in my heart. It's total bullshit and he played the religion card too many times in our relationship. Him and his mother are said Jehovah Witnesses and do not celebrate birthdays, christmas, thanksgiving, etc so he never acknowledged my birthday. However, when his came around he wanted his family to throw him a party and he expected gifts.

My 19th birthday was one of the worst ever because I was basically held prisoner in my own home while he acted like a total ass the whole night. His best friend and my best friends boyfriend (one and the same guy) offered to take me out for my birthday but then my abuser was pissed at me because he thought I was cheating on him with his best friend.

I just can't believe I suffered through all of this and didn't snap out of it sooner!

I have blocked him and do not plan on speaking to him ever again even though there are times when I feel I have so much more to say to him now that I am not under his "spell".

Thanks for being there everyone!

Omg!! That is infuriating!! My abuser does that same crap to me, too.

The first two words, "you know" really get to me. He's discounting what you said entirely and driving his victim point home. "You know, I'm a victim here. So I hurt people, doesn't really matter because what matters here is that I've been through a lot. I'm a good person because even though I've been through all of these things, I came out a better person. Who cares what I did to you or anyone else for that matter."

I'm going to take a wild guess and say that the "lot of things" he's been through are all because he is an abuser. Wild guess.

"I learned how to forgive. You didn't. See, I'm a better person than you are. Besides, the things you went through are trivial compared to what I went through. I'm better than you because I've forgiven and you haven't."

The next line is that famous apology with the "but" in it which means that he isn't sorry for anything because the "but" justifies what he just apologized for.

The last thing he leaves you with, is bait. It's a way for him to get under your skin so you want to reply. Don't. He's ridiculously delusional.

Yeah I know. The part about him being a good father made me roll my eyes. I know he was trying to get under my skin because when we were together we tried having a child and we couldn't. He even went as far as telling me that I must not love him enough or I would have gotten pregnant. That's kind of why I went on to write him back letting him know that I have two beautiful children now and that I am happily married.

I know he is not that great of a father because my best friend works at a police department and she looks him up one day when she was bored. He had a child endangerment ticket on his record for not having his 2 year old belted in the car.

I thank god every day I never had his child!