Emotional Abuse Support Group

Hello,

I came to a realization this year that my husband has been emotionally abusing me all of these 17 years of marriage. I used to think the problem was me - that I am "too sensitive", "take things too seriously", don't have a high enough libido, "don't love him enough", don't try as hard as he does - everything that he's been telling me all of these years. He has been expecting to keep him "tame" as he puts it, giving him the sex he needs. I have felt alone and isolated for much of this marriage. No friends. No emotional support from him, even though he says otherwise. Very, very alone. He has never physically hurt me.

As far as sex has been concerned, he would use guilt and other manipulative ways of treating me if he didn't get what he wanted. For example, he punished me for not wanting to give him oral sex by not replacing our back yard fence for years. He would not do things that needed to be done. Everytime I would bring up the fence, he would explode into anger. It wasn't until later that I realize this was about his wanting more sex. There was never enough sex for him. And if there were things that made me uncomfortable, he didn't care.

This year something happened. I knew there was a pattern of kindness building up into anger, then explosion, then back to "kindness" again. Before I even knew of emotional abuse, I came to recognize the cycles. One time I told my husband, "I sense that you are about to get mad at me again. I can't put my finger on it, but I sense that things are about to get worse again. It's like a pattern almost." He told me he didn't know what I was talking about. Then when the explosion did happen, I brought it up to him. I said, "This is what I was talking about!" His response: "Then you should do something about it!!" (this means SEX)

Of course, the cycle continued, each full cycle probably lasting about 3 months.

The last explosion was 6 months ago. But this time his explosion was beyond unbearable. I felt so hated that I left the house, not feeling like I was even welcome home. I even thought he wanted to hit me that time, but I could tell he restrained himself. I felt that he was intensely disgusted with me. This was all because I told him that I needed more time to focus on my job rather than his errands during the day. He was angry that I don't show him love and that I'm not happy to see him when he gets home. That I don't want to have sex with him, that sex is a chore for me. But he MADE sex a chore for me!! He made me feel like his prostitute. I still feel guilt for not wanting sex with him, because I feel like I have done something to cause our marriage to crumble.

However, I my rational mind sees that our marriage had very little substance from day one. He was very pushy in the beginning and forced a pregnancy because, he admits, he didn't want to lose me. I wanted to stop, but he wouldn't, and in the heat of passion, I stopped resisting. It wasn't "rape" because it was consensual, but when I told him to stop because I didn't want to get pregnant, he didn't stop. I became pregnant and I chose to marry him, hoping it would work out. I never allowed myself to look at the selfish way he didn't stop when I wanted him to. It isn't until now, 17 years later, that I am looking at this relationship at its face. I see so many horrible things in this marriage that no doubt caused me to have terrible depression all of these years. I stopped having friends when we got married. He would make friends outside of our marriage. We have NEVER had common friends - never. We have never had friends to do double dates with. Never. It was always that he had his pot smoking friends and they would hang out whenever HE wanted to. Then he would come home at night, expecting sex from me, and he would act sweet. This is HIS dream life!

I kept the peace and tried to keep it peaceful, for my son, who loves his dad. We now have 2 sons. They do not know all of these sordid details. The truth is that I have been unhappy all of these years, and my husband has been angry for my being depressed. It was not what I wanted in a marriage. Since I have been depressed all of these years, he just says, "You're always depressed. I know you better than anyone else." Well, I WANT to be happy. I don't want to be stuck in this trap anymore. I don't WANT to be depressed. He thinks I WANT to be depressed, that I have it made, because I can stay home with our kids and homeschool. But I do his bookkeeping for his business. I work at a job 2 days per month. It's not a full time income, but I do make money. I use that money to buy food and pay for my medical bills. He does not offer to help me pay my doctor bills. And he won't pay for a new payroll subscription for our bookkeeping program. I don't want to use my small amount of money that I make because I have to come up with $5,000 for an upcoming surgery.

My husband's last explosion was 6 months ago. I then broke down; I was beginning to think I was mentally ill. I thought I was crazy, because he said I was. Then I sought information online and allowed myself to believe that maybe I have been suffering from emotional abuse. I believe that all of the anger about not enough oral sex and anger about sex in general, the pornography, etc., have been abusive to me. I have been his sexual object. THAT is why we don't have common friends, why I don't have friends. That is why I am alone. I am HIS OBJECT. He uses manipulative words and a sweet voice to APPEAR that he is the dream husband. But he is NOT. I don't think he is capable of connecting with me.

Earlier episodes were also related to sex. One time I called him to tell him that I was worried about oral sex, that I just couldn't do it anymore, that the worrying and pressure was causing me to have anxiety and I couldn't concentrate at work because of the pressure and stress thinking about it. He said in a "sweet" voice, "don't worry, I'll show you how." When I started crying, he said he had to go. I wondered if some of the men at my work did this to their wives, and I could not imagine them doing so.

Another time I was away visiting my dad and getting very upset about the same thing-the sexual pressure. I got anxious about it because I would begin to plan things for myself, like studying or gardening or something, but then I'd realize that by the time I was able to do those things, he would be home wanting sex. So I called him, thinking I was overreacting and that he would reassure me that all would be ok, that he didn't want me to feel pressure. Instead he became enraged and told me to stop F*&&^ing calling him.

I am beginning to believe that he can control his rage and that he USES it to get his way. This time my reaction to his rage is to want to LEAVE, not PLEASE HIM.

After my realization, I told him that I could not take his sexual pressure anymore, that it was just too much. I told him that I would rather get a divorce than keep experiencing this sexual pressure. He said that he does not want a divorce because he doesn't want to be alone. So he has not been asking for sex. The last time we had sex was after his explosive blow up at me. He didn't talk to me the entire day and was very cold. Then that night, after I cried all day, he came to me in bed and acted sweet, like nothing was wrong. Then I didn't fight it because I wanted him to be nice to me. But it FELT like rape. I know it wasn't rape, but it FELT like it. I was crying the whole time and he just kept saying, "I love you" in a sweet voice, not even caring that I was crying. Then afterwards, he went to sleep. I left my bed that night and went to the chair in the living room and sobbed. I said to myself, "I am NOT staying." That next week I could not even speak to him. I was in a daze. I was so extremely weak. One night that week he said, "Last night I was going to come to bed and take off all of your clothes and have my way with you while you were sleeping." As thought I would WANT that!!!!!! I told him that it was good that he didn't. He acted surprised. My stomach felt cramped and I felt awful, and he thought that since he was speaking in a soft voice, saying what he thought were loving words, that I should automatically be so happy!!

That was around 6 months ago. It's been about 4 months since he stopped pressuring me for sex. Now he sleeps on the couch and I on the bed. Sleep has never been better for me!! I don't EVER want sex with him again. I feel guilt, but I feel peaceful without him in my bed. I don't even want to sleep with him. I don't want to live with him, but I have my 2 boys to think about. I am a stay home mom. I am counting the years until my youngest graduates high school.

Fast forward to today. He works all day, sleeps on the couch, and we say very little to each other. He tries to kiss me when I see him, but I don't want to. I just don't want to. He thinks everything is just fine now. But we don't talk. We don't really do anything, but I also don't want to do anything with him. I feel guilt for my feelings, but I am trying to not feel guilt. I am trying to tell myself that I need to take care of ME.

I've changed. I think he knows that if he explodes at me, I will leave. So he is accepting our marriage as a sexless one. But it is more empty than that, but he doesn't seem to realize this. I conclude this because I do not think he is capable of empathy. I don't think he CAN connect with me on an emotional level. The beginning of our relationship was based on sex. We got married because of a pregnancy. We didn't have a wedding. We had no mutual friends. We have no mutual friends. What do we have? We have 2 beautiful boys who I care about more than anything in the entire world, and I will do anything for them. My youngest does not want us to get divorced. My 16 year old understands and would be more ok with it.

I believe divorce is inevitable, but I don't think my husband sees this. I don't think he is prepared to let go so easily. I have to wait until my youngest graduates high school. Then I can leave.

There is one other thing that is worth mentioning. Most recently, when I broke down and told him I wanted a divorce because of the sexual pressure, he seemed to finally realize that he was being abusive. He asked me if he was abusive. I told him yes. You see, I know he had been snooping on my computer, looking up sites that I had been on. This is why he is not asking for sex. He said that he does not want to get mad about sex anymore, so he will never ask for it again. He seems to not trust himself. But I don't know how long that will last. Also, who wants to live like this??? I want to be happy and free.

Being with him means that I have to stay alone with no friends forever.

He has not been acting mad. When he doesn't act mad, I start thinking that I have no reason to want to leave, and I then feel guilt for still wanting to leave.

Thank you for listening. I know this was a lot of rambling. I need a lot of support right now. I hope to meet other ladies who understand my place.

Post edited by: jennjean, at: 09/23/2011 07:53 AM

jennjean,I am so sorry you are being subjected to such abuse.It is not your fault in ANY way.Sex should not ever be used to control,coerce,hurt or abuse another person.Over the years I have learned that abusers often use sex as tool demean,hurt and control their partners and that certainly seems to be the case with you.Please make sure you click on "General & Support" and go to the links for making a safety plan and taking the mosaic threat accessment test.Take the test and make a plan.As you have observed abuse can escalate in the blink of an eye.You need to be prepared.You are not alone.We care about you.

HUGS.Lanna

Hi and welcome to the group! I am so sorry for all that you are going through. First of all, abusiveness is the result of a warped value system ... a sense of entitlement, a low opinion of women and a need for control. It's not just bad behaviour. It's their very character. Lanna is absolutely right. Many abusers use sex as a weapon of control. You really should make a safety plan and take the Mosaic test.

I also urge you to read our group bible, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. Bancroft has worked with thousands of abusers for nearly 20 years and he really knows how they think and what motivates them. Once you realize what is going on with these guys, you will be able to make much better decisions. I guarantee you that before even reading half this book, your eyes will be wide open. This book has helped so many people on our board. It's like once you know how a magician does all his tricks, they have no effect on you anymore. That's why it has become our group bible.

I've pasted a link to it below on Amazon where you can read reviews of it and a chapter for free, but you can get it at any bookstore or even your public library. If your library doesn't have it, ask them to get it for you via inter-library loan. Once again, do yourself a HUGE favor and read this book.

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/ 0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1316625633&sr=1-1

That book helps a lot, and for us as moms his book "When Dad Hurts Mom" is good too. Welcome... I could have written your story...

God love you, your story breaks my heart...you shouldn't feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong! I wouldn't want to have sex with him either!!! I understand the sex part of your story, my ex was super sexual, every day, to where I felt pressured all the time, no way can someone enjoy it under pressure of someone "expecting" you to perform for them all the time or they might get mad! ughhhhhhh!! wow, he has abused you for years, and I think you are probably right, he can not connect or understand or empathize..he isn't even capable..

I hope you find some support and friends and that this group helps you some.

hugs and love!!

Jenn Jenn, I can relate much to your story. Now my ex wasn't that bad with the sexual abuse. Not by a long shot. But it was like a "job" to me most of the time. but other times it was fine. However when things would get bad emotionally between us, then I just didn't want sex. This is a quite normal reaction for a healthy person. But I knew that if I didn't have sex, then he would pout, feel sorry for himself, and the like. I never did put together the other things until reading your post though. I wondered why he went back on his agreements. He agreed to do 1/2 the housework. He agreed to do the yardwork. But in the end it was me doing it all. And then he made bigger and bigger messes until it took all of my time to attempt to keep our house clean. Also he wanted constant praise and ego stroking that I just stopped giving him because he gave me none what so ever. And after reading your post, I see that he always gave me the illusion that he wanted my friends and family around. This was to keep me in his little trap of trying to keep our house presentable. And when I wasn't doing this, I was his taxi to save his work money, his councilor, his cheerleader, well you get the point I was always taking care of his emotions. And he never yelled, or slammed things, or even hardly raised his voice. Instead he would stew, sulk, and 'be sleepless over the stress." So basically just lay a huge guilt trip on me.

Now in your case I do think the night that he got you pregnant was rape to a degree. You have a right to say stop at any point and have it to be respected. And I am thinking that now that he said he won't have sex with you, that he will find others. I mean I don't know him, but it seems like something he might do just from reading your post. YOu have contributed much to that marraige even though he says you haven't and tries to make it seem paltry. Something else my ex would do to me. I think that someday you will see just how much you did contribute. I think it is just awesome that you found the strength to stand up to him and tell him no. I guess we just come to a point where we can't take it anymore and have to do something. But it takes huge courage to actually stand up and do it. You are very strong. You could go talk to a lawyer. Find out your options for divorce. Talk to a councilor and heal yourself some and learn how to protect yourself emotionally. I would advise that you go to the library to use the computer for something you just don't want him finding out. Because I suspect that like my ex, he spied and reads every word of what you write. Or perhaps he just goes and sees where you have been? But you get my drift.

No child wants to see thier parents get divorced, but they do adjust. You have really had enough of the abuse. And like most abusers, he will find another way to torment you. So think of the divorce now for yourself, and for your children. Because they are absorbing every bit of what is going on with your husband and you on an emotional level. And of course they don't know what goes on behind the scenes, so I am sure it is confusing. But your 4 year old might have the chance to see you in a healthy relationship someday if you leave. But if you stay he never will. Of course you may not be ready to leave today, but at some point if it seem like the right thing to do, then go with it. Do not let guilt stop you from doing what is best for you.

Your story is very similar to a lot of us on this site. Sex seems to be a common theme. I wouldn't say my husband was highly sexual. but what pissed him off was that I never initiated sex. He would lie in bed, I guess waiting for me to initiate, and when I didn't he would go stomping down to his man cave and not talk to me for days or weeks. He didn't seem to understand that I was so depressed, my libido was totally gone.

My husband too made it seem like I wanted to be depressed. He would belittle me for taking antidepressants. He blamed the antidepressants for my coldness.

Hang in there, and know that there are many of us who share your pain.