My name is Angie and I am a junior in my university. I am very active on campus and just recently moved into my own apartment with 2 great friends. At this point in my life, I feel very fortunate with the cards I've been dealt and look forward to new opportunities in my education.

Just a week ago, I was talking to a friend about previous romantic relationships we've had. She had an emotionally abusive boyfriend. I told her about my relationship with my most recent ex (we dated for 1 1/2 yrs, broke up last winter). She just looked at me and told be that he was emotionally abusive.

All of a sudden, it made sense to me. The reason I never thought of it before is that in my mind, abuse=aggression. However, my ex was EXTREMELY insecure, and so he projected his insecurities on to me with passive-aggressive tactics. Here is a typical situation in the relationship:

I would clearly and calmly tell him what was bothering me in the relationship (I felt smothered, or wanted to go on more "outdoor dates", etc.). He would respond by tapping into his emotions ( "I want to be close to you", "I like how things are now"). Then he would make a promise (that he later won't follow through) or actually cry and make ME feel guilty. So, I end up walking on eggshells or avoid conflict.

My ex is a victim of childhood abuse. I understand that in order to feel empowered, he needed to take control of a situation, blame his issues on external forces, and ensure that I would feel like "the bad guy". Then he would shower me with compliments, physical affection, and tell me that he "doesn't deserve me" and I am his "everything". At this point, I feel annoyed and/or repulsed, then feel guilty for these feelings.

So here's how it ended: For the last few weeks of the relationship, there was distance between us. He blamed me for our lack of sex and communication. I told him that we needed to work on our relationship now that we reached a year of being together. But he still wanted a fairytale romance. I gave in to whatever he wanted from me, even buying us tickets to a concert he wanted to go to. When we had "check-ins", he said that he felt better about us. Then in December, out of nowhere, he had some sort of meltdown. I called him because I hadn't heard from him in a few days. He refused to tell me what's wrong until the very end (another habit he had). Then he said that being with me "stressed him out" because he kept planning for our future together. Then I pointed out that we were both young and don't have to think so far ahead. But he took that to mean "I don't love you enough to stay with you forever." So I tell him that he only has 2 options, to stay and work on things with me, or break up. He said he "can't make up his mind". So I basically have to talk him through breaking up with me. At this point, I was so brainwashed that I was GRATEFUL when he said we could be friends still. Since then he has tried to contact me repeatedly and I have refused.

It's nine months after the breakup, and I have just realized that he had been abusing me emotionally. I'm relieved, because so many of my emotions that puzzled me before now feel justified (basically, a tug-of-war between guilt and happiness). Now I feel anger at him for what he did to me and myself for letting him get away with it. I am planning on seeing a counselor to work through these feelings and help me out of habits that might hurt current and future relationships. I am with someone new who is nothing like my ex and my friends agree is a wonderful guy for me. I know at some point I will have to tell him about my past, but I know he will support me through it.

I'm sorry this is a long post, but I'm hoping to hear back from others who were in situations similar to mine and could give me some advice. Thank you for reading.

In peace,

Angie

I'm glad you've found a relationship that works for you and is healthy. You sound like you have a pretty good head for someone so young.

Welcome to the group

Lori