Hello group,
I am new here. I am currently still in my relationship and am at a point in it where I don't really know what to do. I don't know what is right or wrong. I don't know if I can call what is going on abuse. My counselor says he has been abusing me for years, and I am just now understanding it as such.
I have been with my husband for 16 years, since I was 16. We have been married for 10 this coming June. We have 3 young daughters.
Like in any relationship, the beginning was wonderful. For some reason, my friends and family never cared for him, but i was deeply and madly in love with him so I guess I chose him over them, and pushed everyone else out.
I have no close friends of my own now, and I live an hour from my family.
It is obvious that he loves me very much, I know he does and I know he adores our children. Family means everything to him. He grew up in an abusive house, a severely abusive dad terrorized them all daily. He left when my husband was 7, leaving his mom to raise 5 kids alone, 2 of whom are intellectually disabled. I came from a house with 2 parents, they are still alive, married and very much in love. my childhood was very happy, I never suffered abuse at the hands of my parents, siblings or any other friends or family members, so we are different there.
So..my husband. he is very controlling. He has a big temper. he has never laid a hand on me or the kids, but he has broken 4 tvs, many phones, punched holes in walls, thrown items around, broke a few broom handles, kicked a door in and broke a window. He always apologized, and I always forgave him.
He is condesending and patronizing. He puts down everything I like, and everything I do. Every decision I make is wrong. Every action I make is wrong. he calls me names, called me a whore and the C word in front of my girls. He calls me stupid, calls me a quitter, calls my friends stupid. Calls my family a bunch of assholes. He bullies the kids, playing rough with them when they dont want to, and then when they cry, he gets mad and calls them babies.
he tells me to shut up, shut my mouth, tells me I don't work as much as he does when in reality, I do more. I go to school full time (5 classes for my bachelors degree), I work 30 hours a week and I take care of every little thing in the house. He doesnt count school as work, he thinks its just fun time.
I do the laundry, cooking, cleaning, take out the trash, fix the plumbing, walk the dog, clean up the yard, mow the lawn, take the kids to school and appointments, take his own mother shopping, I put furniture together, I put gas in both vehicles each and every time they need it. When I am sick I am expected to deal with it and take care of the kids...when he is sick I am expected to wait on him.
I get his clothes ready for work, I make his lunch. Sometimes he forgets things when he goes to work, and I have to bring them to him. A few times at my work, I asked him to bring me an iced coffee...he said no every time, I work 2 blocks from home.
He works at 230..so he sleeps until 2 and then I have to run around to get him a towel, underwear, pants, shirt...when I say NO..he gets mad and guilts me into it.
He will give me a silent treatment when mad, withhold sex or any kind of affection..like a hug..or a kiss on the cheek.
One day he got angry at me...and took the pan of food I was cooking..and dumped it in the sink, and then called me a whore.
In truth...almost 2 years ago, I had an affair. I had left him and then a month later, I met someone. It was way too soon..I was lonely amd confused and...I dont know, I wasnt myself. He found out and things got really ugly. The other person took off and I was really alone. Husband came to me and begged me to come back, and I did. We started counseling right away and things were pretty good for several months. The problems I am complaining about now..have been going on before the affair...and through counseling..he seemed to realize what had gone wrong. I made a mistake..and he had been treating me badly and we both agreed to focus on why we got together in the first place and go from there.
Once we hit the one year mark...he went downhill. The name calling came back, the put downs came back. The waiting on him hand and foot, the silent treatment, the guilt, the anger...all came back. Today he asked me to do something and I said no and he got really angry, called me a lazy bitch and he couldn't believe I wouldn't just do it. He forgot his belt..and wanted me to bring it to his work. I'm tired and I refused.
I could go on and on. To me, sometimes it doesn't sound so bad. I always thought it was normal, until I became an adult and met people who are in normal, healthy relationships. I always said..I am not abused because he doesn't hit me at least. But I am nervous, I walk on eggshells, I am afraid to talk to him. I breathe a sigh of releif when he goes to work, and get sad when he stays home sick. We work opposite shifts and I love it. Sometimes I will pick up shifts to avoid him.
This can't be normal. But I still love him and am afraid to leave. I am afraid that I am just whining and it isn't that bad.
So theres my story. I am going to go look around and get to know you all too 
