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11/10/2009 04:00 AM

I'M OUT! ----- I LEFT!

carmyne
 
Posts: 11
New Member

Hello everyone,

This isn't as active as a group as I had hoped... But for the time that I need help and support, I'll do my best to lend an ear, support or stories to others as well.

I was patiently waiting for the moment that I was alone, that I had to run back and forth to get my belongings... I knew it could be days, weeks maybe even a month or more before the right opportunity came up for me to leave. My husband hit me, not a punch, but a smack on my arm over something stupid. Not a light smack either, one that was hard enough it hurt and was sore for a while but not hard enough that it bruised up. I took a stand and told him that was the first time that he hit me like that and that was going to be the last time. That I didn't deserve that no matter what I did and that I wasn't going to stick around and wait for it to happen again.

I then spent the majority of the day packing up my belongings. I am not far from the house where we were living but I am at a hotel right now... I am safe and I am doing okay.

My stomach is upset and my heart is aching. My head is telling me to stand tall and be firm, my heart wants to go back. This time I need to listen to my head and not my heart. I am proud of myself for taking a stand. I hope that I am strong enough to stand my ground.

I am worth so much more than I have been getting. I deserve someone that loves me, for me. I have to write down things as I think of them, read my past notes and remind myself how these things made me feel so that I can stay strong and move forward with my life... Because for all those days, months and years that I am stuck in that cycle of abuse... Running around in circles never got me anywhere.

~Carmyne

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11/14/2009 02:08 PM
Alwaysawriter
Alwaysawriter  
Posts: 41
Member

That's great. Good for you for standing up to him like that. Any idea what you're going to do long-term yet?

11/19/2009 10:05 AM
SosadMand
SosadMandPosts: 47
Member

Good Good for you! Stand up for yourself! far too often we do not, and it just continues on and on until something horrible happens, or we do what you did! i have also taken a stand, no contact, none. I have realized its far to painful and abusive to continue trying to be nice and kind when all I get is constant blame and accusations of crazy things! Hope you are doing well today. Smile

M


11/20/2009 12:23 PM
Lovemydog007
Posts: 2
New Member

Good for you! I just packed up and left a week and 3 days ago. I did it while he was @ work, cause I knew I couldnt when he was home. I understand the heartache. I keep asking myself if I did the right thing, and he made me believe everything was my fault. When in actuality, he was a very angry man who hated himself. I mean I miss what I had, I had my own home up there,and now I am living out of bags hiding at a friends house. But I am trying to tell myself I will once again gave my own place and be self sufficient again. Keep your head up and know there are others out there feeling the same feelings right now. =)

11/21/2009 08:25 PM
Broken76
Broken76Posts: 16
New Member

I read everything you wrote. This person you're married to sounds a lot like my ex. A uniformed man with a deep hatred of women and himself. I cannot stand men like this. Group-think jarheaded @$$holes. They make me want to puke. Although the details of the abuse are different for my situation, your husband and my ex both operate from the same blueprint of wanting to control everything you do and their ultimate goal is to break us down bit by bit so we're totally dependent on them. Cutting guy friends out pictures? Sick bastard. Making you give away your dog? Jealous insecure prick. Making your mom fly home? That must have been so hard for you. All he wants to do is isolate you and destroy you so he can feel like a big man. Calling you a second class citizen because you are a woman? What cave did he just crawl out of? Who does this a-hole think he is? Where did he get this ballooned sense of self-importance and where did you get this idea that you are supposed to obey him? Sounds like he loves to play the role of drill sergeant - big tough man in my big tough uniform - look at me control a woman smaller and weaker than me with brute force. Using PTSD and the war as an excuse to sh*t all over you. Carmyne, you're the one who's going to wind up with PERMANENT PTSD if you allow him back into your life.

I hope you stay safe and far far away from this pathetic loser. Can't they send him overseas? Forever? Hope the divorce laws in your state are not too complicated and you can get this done and get the hell away from him forever.

Watch the Rihanna interview with Diane Sawyer for inspiration when you're feeling your lowest - she said it best when she was asked how she got out of her abusive relationship with Chris Brown. Even though she loves him and wanted to be with him, she had to say "f-love" when that part of her brain, the missing him, wanting to go back to him, irrational "in love" part took over. Please don't let it take over in you. Step back and remember all the ways he tortures you. You're too good. You're too smart.


12/17/2009 02:19 AM
carmyne
 
Posts: 11
New Member

Alwaysawriter:

I stayed in the hotel for a few weeks... Did some apartment hunting and got an awesome little apartment across town. I used what money I had to procure some furniture, what little I would absolutely require... A few days ago I found a little 5-month old dog and picked her up... I'm not sure that this feels like "home", but I feel safe here and I'm getting/giving a lot of attention to my little dog now.

I have contacted my attorney and then my parents... I couldn't afford the divorce filing fee and so resorted to asking for some help. It's a humbling experience as I feel that as an adult I should be able to stand on my own two feet... On the other hand I am doing what I have to do in order to pick myself back up and be better/stronger than before. Smile

I am very, very, very nervous tonight. He gets served tomorrow, I'm not sure when.

Needless to say, he already has a "new girlfriend". She is preparing to move in with him. She will be his next abuse victim, I'm afraid and I feel bad that he will repeat his actions on her, and kind of want to send her the letter I was going to leave him... On the other hand, the divorce process could be long and I need to get out officially of this marriage.

I guess he saw that I will no longer put up with him and I will not take it, so he needs to move onto someone else now.

~Carmyne


12/17/2009 02:33 AM
carmyne
 
Posts: 11
New Member

Broken76:

Yes, he is a very controlling, dominant man... There is more to the 'abuse' than what I posted before, but the things that bother me the most, the ones that go through my head every single day... I don't want these horrible feelings to stick with me forever. I am in knots just about everyday, I'm not sleeping really well yet... I work and I keep expecting someone to come in the room with the doors slamming with something to yell at me about...

On the other hand, the first day after I bought some dishes I let the dishes stack up, smiled about it and said, "maybe tomorrow"... What a rebel I am. He would die if he saw that I left a pizza pan out the other day. It makes me happy... I haven't been yelled at, lectured, called names, had things broken, or slapped since I left...

I spent the first few days moving into my apartment in tears. Why did he have to do all this? Why couldn't he just acted normal? Why did he have to be so angry all the time? Why did he make me leave? Why did he try to choke me one day, throw a knife at me, why did he poke me or pinch me... Why couldn't I have kept my dog? Why didn't I just leave earlier? Why did I let him do these things to me? All questions that I know that the answer is because the relationship was all about him, it was never about me and it surely wasn't about "us". I consider him to be a self-absorbed infantile loathing narcissist...

The divorce laws are generally 50/50... I am filing and asking for absolutely nothing but my maiden name back. Granted since he hogged all the savings, it would be nice to have a little bit of money, but I will surely be just fine if the only thing I walk away from this with is my sanity, or whatever is left.

I will take a look at the Rihanna interview. Smile Thank you.

~Carmyne


12/17/2009 02:37 AM
carmyne
 
Posts: 11
New Member

Lovemydog007:

I am glad to hear that you packed up and left. Smile How are you doing now? Believe me, if you got out, you did the right thing. You can only change yourself not another person... These guys don't care if you change, they will want more and more and more control. I hope you are doing well.

~Carmyne

SosadMand:

I knew that if I stayed in this relationship that eventually something bad would happen. I think that if I stayed, eventually he would have either beaten me or he would have killed me. I saw it in his face, he would go under soo much rage and I was scared of him everyday. I can't live like that, I don't want to. I hope that you are doing well. How are you?

~Carmyne


12/17/2009 05:47 AM
freetofly
freetoflyPosts: 389
Member

Good for you Carmyne! Congratulations. I remember how exhuberant I felt when I was first free of my x. I get the whole 'dirty dishes in the sink' rebellion. I remember smiling about that too. How did they ever make us believe that it was our job to clean up, chop chop, in the first place? Please. But I remember always thinking, 'I better hurry up and take care of this so I don't hear it.' That is sad.

I'm so glad for you that you listened to your intuition and have gotten your own place. You are quite right, it would have gotten worse...much worse. There are thousands of women in graves everywhere who could attest to that. I hope your family is supportive.

My heart breaks for you about your dog but it sounds like you have a new life to love which is great! My x tried to make me stop chemo on my 5-year-old golden retriever because he wanted him to die so I would have nothing left to love (he had already completely isolated me by that point). That was a horrible time for me, so I understand. I too have a new little life to love. Yeah!

I had all the same questions you did when I threw my x out. Why did he have to....? You are right...it's because the relationship was always about him. I think he has Borderline Personality Disorder marked by Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Paranoid attributes. I think most of these guys do. Borederline is marked mostly by frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, exremes, impulsivity problems, and paranoid ideation. They have innappropriate intense anger and/or trouble controlling their anger. Mine even used suicidal thoughts to control me. They have no remorse. No powers of empathy (mine didn't even know what that is). A grandiose sense of themselves. They have feelings of entitlement...like they should be given whatever they desire without having to work for it, etc. Anyway, the thing I always come back to is the fact that I can't argue with mental illness. This idea also helped me once the pain wore off and I was left with the good memories (because there are those too). I believe that pain has no memory because we need to be resillient, so I knew I would be in the danger zone once my pain and the immediate threat of bodily harm were removed. Thank God for my friends, who never bailed out on me. They helped me stay strong through that part by constantly reminding me of what an ass hole he was and how he treated me like garbage. If you have no one else to do it, we will help remind you what a jackass he is and we will also remind you that you ARE worth more....You ARE worth love, real love.

As for the girlfriend, she is beyond your reach. He has poisoned her against you already and she won't listen even if you try. This is what they do. My x went back to his first wife within a week and then he was on to some other girl shortly thereafter. I can't decide if that's what he wanted in the first place, so he set me up to leave him in a way that he could blame me, or if he just moved on like that to satisfy his giant ego after it ended. Either scenario makes him more pathetic in my eyes and, truly, at this point, all I can think is 'better her than me'. I mean, I feel for whoever she is but not so much that I value my own hide less. She is not getting ANYTHING I want or covet.

In any case, I'm so glad you posted here. We all need each other. I am fairly new here, though I am about 8 months into my recovery. I am proud of you and ecstatic for you at the new opportunities that lie before you. We can do anything now! We don't need anyone's permission (we never did,we just didn't know it.). Yahoo!

Keep up the good work and, no matter what, know that you are not alone. Smile

FreeToFly


12/17/2009 08:45 AM
ExhaustedMom
ExhaustedMom  
Posts: 52
Member

Good for you for getting out! My "ex" left me and at the time the abuse was invisible to me. A few years later was when I realized how abusive and controlling he was. And what a narcissist he is. Unfortunately for me I have two kids from my first marriage so I have to have contact with him until they are 18. Then future marriages, graduations, etc. I wish I could get away from him completely!

Good Job! Stay strong and look forward - don't look back. He has the problem, it's not you and there is nothing you could or can do to change him.

The girlfriend... nothing you can do there either. If you say something to her she won't believe you and it will just escalate the divorce process. Believe me, I did contact my "ex"'s girlfriend and now wife. She stood by him, believed him, and it made their relationship stronger AND she will never admit to the emotional, physical, abuse now because it would make me right. How sick is that! The other women needs to find out on her own.

You are doing the right thing and the best thing for yourself. Get through this hard spot in life, get the darn divorce over with, and move on to a "healthy" life.

One more thing (sorry, I'm rambling). What I had to do to prevent stepping into another abusive relationship is to take time to find myself again - without dating. I went to a great church based Divorce Recovery series of classes that were wonderful and really opened my eyes to the abuse, letting go, and working through all the emotions. I needed to make sure my next relationship was truly healthy - and it is. I'm married now to a wonderful man. Not the typical type of guy I would have previously dated. I made a list of what I MUST have in a relationship and if a guy didn't meet MY standards I knew it would not end up good.

My two cents.... (or maybe 10 cents as it was a bit long winded). Take Care!

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