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09/18/2009 05:39 PM

Its been over a YEAR since we broke up ...

GwenythVT

....and Im still in love with my abusive ex-boyfriend,

WHY do I still feel love for someone who was capable of treating me so badly?

I have so many triggers....I was just watching a movie...and I couldn't handle it because the lead reminded me so much of my ex. the way he looked in his glasses, and his mannerisms

I cant look at my old address book because he wrote his birthday in it. I can't drive near or thru the town he lives in without a major panic attack, and severe emotional pain, I sill want him to love me.

it is torture to still be effected by these things,

has anyone else been through this????...for so long????

its gotten somewhat better but could still send me in a downward spiral easily,

will i ever get over it?

just wondering if im not alone, most posts will talk about this stuff maybe a month or so after....which is normal....it was last June 08 and Ive been in the hospital 3 times because of it since.

please help

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09/19/2009 01:47 PM
catiana
catianaPosts: 600
Member

yeh it's kinda normal..and sad..but until you fix the things that got you to saty wiht him in the first place you won't be able to get over the "love" either..cuz obviously it's not real love..i'm sure we're talking about an emotional addicton just like in most cases..he was probably the one that made you feel most loved(when he wasn't abusing you)..also probably he was the center of your world!also you are the type of girl that needs someone there and maybe have not replaced him yet and this could also be a reason for still missing him..like are you going out?are yout alking to someone about this?a friend?a therapist?cuz you need to..deep down in your hear you must know that he never truly loved you or else he would have treated you with respect!!and deep down i'm sure you also know that you can indeed live without him,and that there's no need to love someone that isn't making the effort to stick around!!why waste time..he probably made his life over you already..who was the one that called it quit when you broke up?how long have you been together?have you spoken to him since?

09/20/2009 03:26 AM
GwenythVT

thanks for your response,

what you wrote was really helpful to me, because they are the things I cant seem to understand...and i need to hear. its just hard when it seems like Ive made so much progress and then I have bad nights like that were i feel the same-still in pain over it


09/20/2009 05:19 AM
catiana
catianaPosts: 600
Member

yeh i get that hun but a few nights is not everything..i'm sure you indeed have made progress and that is completely normal..imagine this,i sometimes dream about my ex bf from highschool and wake up feeling all emotional maybe even cry sometimes or feel like oh no i still love him why did we broke up hahaha but it does go away in a day or two..i guess people like us will always have the burning need to cling ..to the abusers,to the past,to tHat feeling of feeling loved..but we can't let that swallow us we can overcome it..i think things just happen for a reason sometimes,and the break ups too..i bet in a few years you'll be happy with your new bf you'll be thanking this old one for leaving Wink

Post edited by: catiana, at: 09/21/2009 03:20 PM


09/21/2009 02:49 PM
moresad

It sounds like you are confusing pain for love. lots of people grow up in horrible homes. and go to horrible things afterwards cuz thats all they know. I know because. I do the same thing. I dunno if thats how you are but. thats how it seems and thats how i am. Im a man though. and coming from a mans standpoint. you should go to him. and tell him how you feel. and maybe things will change. or maybe this will bring closure to how you feel. I know if i was a girl, and had a bf, that i wanted to get over. I would DEF do that. Im a man but. just some advice froma mans perspective.

MS


09/21/2009 03:23 PM
catiana
catianaPosts: 600
Member

OMG ..don't go back to him girl with all do respect moresad the girl just got out ..the man was abusing her..he won't change!have you ever lived with an abuser?but yeh i agree living with abusers will give one a sense of addiction to the pain..that we will later recognize in others than the original abuser and will try to recreate the original situation..where we were used to live no matter how hard..like unknown good things are sometimes scarier than crappy familiar ya know what i mean?

09/22/2009 10:30 AM
moresad

My mom and dad both tried to kill me when i was younger. stabbings violence screaming yelling. these things are all i know. so yes i have lived with abusers. fyi.

u just have to break ur cycle. and it starts with YOU. catiana will agreeSmile.


09/22/2009 12:14 PM
catiana
catianaPosts: 600
Member

yeh it's true you have to heal your own wounds inside and let go of the past and get over the first abusive situation or else you will keep looking to recreate it again and again..in order to fix the original situation..which you obviously can not..so first you have to pull your heart out of there and then ur body ..you know what i mean?i hope so LOL or else it will sound really weird hahaha

09/25/2009 11:42 AM
Broken76
Broken76Posts: 16
New Member

Gwenyth - I broke up with my abusive bf around the same time, but we got back together then had the final shock-and-awe break-up this past Feb09. I hear a lot of myself in your posts and just want you to know it IS going to get better. You have a lot of unresolved feelings towards him and that's totally normal. Both Catiana and Moresad make really good points. Maybe you should try a combination of both of their suggestions - protect and care for you but get these feelings out at the same time. Try writing a letter of what hurt you most when you were together, write all your feelings good and bad to him- just to get it out. Then decide what you want to do with it. Save it. Put it away for a while. Read it to a good friend. Give it to your ex. See I sent mine because for all those months we were together I felt totally unheard therefore I wanted my BF to know exactly how he was hurting me so we could try to correct the situation (naive me, I thought back then he would actually change upon reading it - HA! he basically told me, "See I don't make you happy, sorry I turned your life upside down, buh-bye) but I DO NOT regret sending it because now at least I feel heard even though it didn't work out the way I wanted it to.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I'm starting to pull myself out of this hell and depression over losing him. Do things trigger memories? All the time. Do I still cry? Every day. Do I miss him? Yes.I'm not going to bore you with the details. Just know you're going through something that anyone who really loves another person feels when they lose them. It means your heart is gold and real and you are capable and deserving of real love.

How many times have you talked to him since you broke up? Do you still keep in touch?


10/06/2009 03:38 PM
GwenythVT

thank you so much for you're reply, I have been out of it and not checking this and what you wrote really helped. I just am upset that I have let someone who only cares about themselves bring me to the edge like this, I have Borderline and feel completely empty unless loved by someone, but this past year i feel like his love is the only thing that will cure me/fill the void

so I have to try, and go back and forth, have good periods and bad, think Ive made progress and then revert....so its just frustrating and I really need to hear that it happens to other people as severely as I experience it

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