Emotional Abuse Support Group

OK guys... this is a rambling rant.. bear with me

OMG!!!!!!!!! I am totally getting sucked back into this relationship, and it is soooo crazy because I know I don't want to be here. Over these 9 years I have walked on egg shells around him, been victim to his horrible financial habits and gambling, and just plain been in denial about the guilt trips, manipulation, etc... But the worst part is when you start thinking like your crazy spouse... seeing the world through his eyes because you keep shaping your life, habits, actions around keeping him from going over the edge, but now who is gonna keep me from going over. Every day I go in the house and I want to tell him I want a divorce and just to get the hell on... I feel like my life is not my own, like it is living me. I feel out of control. He thinks it is about money and getting better sex... But I married at 21, as a college student who had just come back from Africa for study abroad and had this whole great future ahead of her, and now I am 30, and my life kinda sucks. I won't blame him because any time he spent money, I could have just cut him off, but didn't because I guess I have just become accustomed to keeping the peace. He goes off and has his little temper tantrums and I am expected to always be calm and sensitive to him, then he complains that I don't show or have any emotions or feelings; but damn, hearing him whine and complain about everything for hours, by the time he is finished, i am just ready to go rest somewhere. I guess as I have gotten older, my sense of what a MAN and a good husband should be are not lining up with who and what I chose...And I cheated on him, and I don't regret it. I am sorry for going against my faith and beliefs in that, but the guy was an old oyfriend who I have known for 13 years and he knows me and can't believe I am still married to this man who obviously doesn't treat me right. But now the hubby is acting like his whole world and life is destroyed because I was unfaithful, but his own MOM told him that as a woman, I probably just got tired of his BS... not holding a steady job, blaming everyone else for problems, talking to other women behind my back, then blaming me because I wasn't there for him... Oh, Im sorry, I was just working, taking care of you and your son, trying to make ends meet, and those other girls had all that time to talk to you and show you attention because at the end of the conversation they didn't have to cook for you, budget for you, think for you, listen to you complain about your horrible life even though your damn wife worked, paid all the bills, cooked, served you your food... I get home and he is just on the couch, not moving but somehow gets food , drink, medicine, all delivered to his permanent address on his a@#...

N-E-way... I feel better now. I know what I have to do. My sister just went through something and I told her to leave a guy becasue he was possessive, would get mad if she didn't answer her phone, checking her emails, saying how much he loved her but only been around for like a month... Long story short... I have got to practice what I preach... I tell my sister to leave men alone if I feel like they share any types of similar traits as my hubby... So I need to leave because he, nor any man like him, are suitable choices in my eyes. Too bad it has taken me 9 years and an affair to finally come to this. UGH!!!!

If I haven't run you off with my rant, please feel free to comment...

"But the worst part is when you start thinking like your crazy spouse... seeing the world through his eyes because you keep shaping your life, habits, actions around keeping him from going over the edge, but now who is gonna keep me from going over."

Cannot tell you how much this resonates with me and my situation. I am grateful for how you articulated what I and I'm sure others feel when our lives are hijacked by emotional abusers. He was a master manipulator and I don't even think he realized it. I got out a few months ago and even though we've had zero communication since Feb09 I can still hear him talking in my head and I find myself still reacting to things that he said and did to me months ago. My point is, once I started to shape my life and behavior around my partner's neuroses and neediness, I still am struggling to reclaim it, to reclaim the old me, even after he has long since exited my life.

I'm grateful for this group and for your insight.

Thanks for the comments. It's so funny to me that I know exactly what I am feeling, but when I get around him it is like my voice and mind just stop working. Some friends and family who I have shared with see that I can clearly state what I want and feel, but when I get around him I can't seem to just say the words to leave...I don't know what it is. But I'm glad you had the courage to go and I hope you are able to reclaim the old you, but better and wiser and ready to face the world and live the life you want.

I know that feeling. The details of our situations are different but the common themes are undeniable - I walked on eggshells for him and indulged all of his hang-ups (paranoia, insecurity, possessiveness, jealousy, lying, temper tantrums, neediness, guilt trips, etc...) for so long. I thought if I just loved him unconditionally and proved my love to him things would get better but in the end he just sucked the life out of me and I was physically and mentally exhausted. Despite how poorly I was being treated, I found it very difficult to stand up to him because I was afraid he would leave me and I hate confrontation.

Sounds like you've been carrying a heavy load for a long time with your partner. It's really hard to leave sometimes. The day will come when you've had enough and the words will just come out of you...at least they did for me. I appreciate what you said but I don't think it was courage on my part at all - it was just that I couldn't take it anymore. I literally blew up like a volcano after trying to hold it all in for so long. At first it was tough after we split up because I really missed him (and still do) but I know now that blowing up and losing my temper was the best thing that happened to me because it forced me to finally confront him and set the wheels in motion to change my situation after trying to accommodate and swallow his toxic behavior for so long. Try to trust your initial instincts. They're usually right. Every day is a struggle for me and I try to take it one day at a time. Some days are harder than others but I'm trying not to look back.

Post edited by: Broken76, at: 09/06/2009 11:22 PM

Post edited by: Broken76, at: 09/06/2009 11:37 PM

mstrish..felt like i was reading about me in a way..i'm 24 tho but almost steped in ur footprints in the past..i wonder ..what were the actuall things that made u stay?for me it was just the feeling no other would care as much for me or be there all the time seems like u don't need any advices and have find the answear urself just hope u will actually do it i use to decide on leavin every 2 days and still wouldn't do it..so ..what is it about us we all know it's wrong we tell others not to do it but it takes us ages to put it into practice ourselves..weird it's like a mental addiction to suffering and to bad stuff or maybe a need of control over our lives..like u said u worked took care of everything u were in control about it but in the wrong way..have u ever had probs with ur dad was he any similar to ur hubby?mine kinda was just like the bf..they say we chose ppl that remind of of men in the past cuz in our mind we feel we can somehow fix the old things tru the new relationships..

You know I really need to talk to a therapist about this. Becasue, my dad is really nothing like my husband when it comes to like being responsible, taking care of your business and family and putting family first. I need to discover what it was that made me want to fix someone's life and stay where I didn't want to be. Thanks for the comments and insight

yeh talkin to a therapist is a great ideea i hope it works out for you i wish u luck and let us know when u start packing hohoho

Post edited by: catiana, at: 09/08/2009 07:30 AM