Emotional Abuse Support Group

Is there anyone else here who has an abusive person that goes through the abuse cycle multiple times in a day?

For example, my understanding of the abuse cycle is like this:

1. Tension building

2. Incident

3. Reconciliation

4. Calm / honeymoon

A typical day with my husband is like this:

1. Incident

2. Reconciliation (he apologizes, usually for me taking something the wrong way)

3. Calm (he moves on as if nothing happened)

4. Rinse and repeat

I was just curious if anyone else here experiences emotional abuse in that manner? We certainly do follow the typical cycle when it comes to BIG blowups, but on a daily basis there isn't any tension building. He just vents when he feels like it, then usually moves on like nothing happened.

Later in the day he'll say, "I'm sorry we fought so much today. I don't want to fight with you."

My personal favorite is, after a week of this, when I happen stand up for myself more often and we fight more than usual, he'll accuse me of being grumpy all week.

Bah.

Oh yes, been there done that! Then he couldn't understand why I would cry myself to sleep at night. Well, gee, maybe it's cause you spent all day making me feel like crap! Ugh. Yeah, I hear you!

I've done that plenty of times. You have a pretty bad out burst and wait for the anger to disapate. Then you start feeling really bad and feel the need to say your sorry. Then you try to move along but that doesn't mean that we haven't been dwelling about what we have done. Sometime it takes me a few hours to apologize. Unlike my parents who were abusive to me would rarely say that they were sorry. It's really hard breaking a cycle. But, with lots of work it can fade. I've been getting better about not blowing up so fast. But, I can relate to everything you have said.

Hi rosettastone:

Just read your post and wanted to write to you to let you know you are not alone.

My ex-husband and I would go through the "cycle of abuse" that you described on a daily basis. Some days there was tension building and others he would just freak out the moment I "said something wrong" or he took an innocent comment and turned it around as if I was attacking him.

Then there would be a big blow up (even though I would walk on egg shells the entire day trying to avoid any conflict). I would cry (and throw up depending on the severity of the fight), then we wouldn't speak to one another for hours, and then he would say he was sorry and that it would never happen again (which later turned into him stating that it was always all my fault and that I pushed him into being so mean and nasty to me).

And then of coarse soon after followed the honeymoon phase with the "I love you" and affection.

And as you put it..."Rinse and Repeat."

You know, I used to tell myself that my ex only blew up at me because I was easy and available for him to take things out on. I actually convinced myself it was a compliment because it meant that he felt comfortable with me and knew I would never leave just because he said something mean. I felt like he just couldn't control his temper, and it was better he take it out on me than on someone at work and get demoted or something. He used to tell me he was just under a bunch of stress, and things would get better once his situation changed. But his situation changed several times, and nothing ever got better. Now when I look back at it, I can see the cycle of abuse so clearly, but I just couldn't see it then. I truly believed he was sorry, or I wanted to believe, anyway.

Thanks for all the replies. This is all just so insidious and subtle and crazymaking. Often, it isn't even a blow up, or a little blow up. For example, last night there was a blow up, and eventually he came upstairs to apologize to me. Apologies always have a "but" though. ("I'm sorry, but I just don't know what you expect me to do when I'm so frustrated with something you've done," etc.) And when I point this out, then I'm interrupting his attempt to apologize, and making trouble. Basically, I can't say anything. Can't defend myself. Can't point out anything that is hurtful because that just makes him feel bad, and why can't I just appreciate that he's trying to apologize?

Arg.

Your last statement strikes me. I feel that the apology would be appreciated if he were saying it true to the heart. I hope that makes sense. I'm not putting the blame on anyone but there seems to be reasons why the apology isn't feeling well received for you. I'm just looking at your statment from a different angle. It feels like your frustrated with being put down or contantly walking on egg shells. I've been abused my whole life and sometimes I become the abuser. It's tough breaking this cycle when it feels like it's cemented in someone.

If an apology is followed by a "but" then it's not a true apology. We should be sorry when we hurt people regardless of what led to it. It's just a way of shifting blame away from himself and onto you. You shouldn't have to be grateful for an apology; he should be grateful you'll even give him the chance to make one.

my husband and i have a "cycle" much like the one you listed and i sometimes see it coming and can avoid it but then after a week or so i've built up so much frustration that i end up making a comment or saying how i really feel and the cycle begins again and goes all the way.

my husband also has a tendency to shift the blame or give lame apologies.

he is also always saying "i don't want to fight with you" and i always want to say "then stop being such a prick!"

LOL...sugargirl, that is right on the money.

I'm tired of doing this exhausting self-examination to try and figure out if what I'm about to say is too defensive, or warranted, or if I'm over-reacting, or hurtful, or if it will cause a problem, and all the rest. It's all this analysis into the tiniest of comments that in a sane world, wouldn't even be a problem.

I don't see him putting that much effort into what he says to me.

I guess that's why it's called "walking on eggshells" eh?