Emotional Abuse Support Group

Can some of you take the time to think back on your earliest warning signs of abuse , when you started dating your abuser?

I can remember several that i ignored. I would like to have a lot of different kinds of examples because i am starting to meet new people and i want , even if i dont really date anyone, to at least start practicing some recognizing of signs and traits.

one very early one i ignored was very early on. One night he was over at my house and we were sleeping. All of a sudden i felt him forcing me to have oral sex. i was very upset, and he apologized, saying he thought i would have liked that, and he was really sorry. I said it was upsetting and he acted like he never thought it would have upset me or he wouldnt have done it. But something about it didnt sit right at all with me. I ignored it though, because everything else was so great. That was probably like 3 weeks into things.

Another time, around this same early period, we were riding our bikes to the top of a hill to watch fireworks together. my son was with his dad, and i was feeling sad about not getting to watch fireworks with my kid. So this date was kind of nice, a distraction from what i really wished i was doing. We were riding our bikes and we started talking about something random, i think it was dragons of all things. We were having what i thought to be a normal, good time. And he didnt like something i said, i think i made kind of an assertive claim or talked in a louder voice or got sassy or something. And he just darted off on his bike and completely ditched me. I biked around and around the neighborhood, but never found him. I watched the fireworks alone, and then went home completely confused and distraught. It was the earliest sign i can think of , where he suddenly turned his love off and punished me , leaving me confused and heartbroken. i went home and obsessively called him over and over. he didnt reply until sometime the next day. so i didnt sleep that night, i really got myself worked up. I left messages that sometimes said i just wanted to talk, and other times said i didnt think what he was doing to me was very nice, and other times just asking if i could find out what i did and apologize. now i see that he was training me for worse things later. His explanation when we finally did talk was that i had done something that reminded him of his ex. i cant remember more than that.

So if anyone can post things from the early days of dating, that would be so great. thanks!

I found an old journal of mine while I was doing my safety plan. I opened it and started reading and got to an entry about how ashamed of myself I was for "sleeping around" before I met hubby at age 19. It brought flooding back all the times at the beginning of our relationship where he'd interrogate me on names, places, how many times, what we did...wanting details of my old boyfriends. He then told me I had warped self worth and my parents didn't care about me enough. That what I'd done was wrong and he hadn't been raised that way. I started to think I was trashy and not good enough for him. That was about 4 or 5 months into dating.

And your post caused me to remember how he would love to wait until I was asleep then start having sex with me and wake me up in the middle of it. It bothered me then, but now that I remember it, it's seriously disturbing.

When we first met, I wasn't interested in a serious relationship. I would tell him I wanted to be alone on a particular night and he would just show up at my apartment because he "just missed me so much and wanted to be with me." Ran all over any boundaries I set from the start.

He was extremely, embarrassingly rude to two guys of my acquaintance, one my next door neighbor who I chatted with sometimes and the other just a friend I worked with, because he thought they both wanted to sleep with me.

He manipulated me into moving in with him after just a few months when his roommate decided to move out. You'd have thought this was a catastrophe on a scale no man had ever endured. It sent him into a tailspin: for whatever reason, he couldn't possibly find another roommate or move to a smaller, cheaper place, so unless I moved in with him, he was going to have to move back in with his mother out in the burbs (this from a mid-20s man).

Somehow he made me feel responsible for solving this problem by moving in with him. What an idiot I was!

Post edited by: girlgone, at: 07/15/2012 06:50 AM

Yup. Now here it is almost two whole decades later and I wish I could go back in time and slap some sense into the younger me, because things sure didn't improve from those early warning signals that I ignored--even though my gut told me otherwise. And it has taken me ages to pull together the resources to leave because, like you, I've been stuck supporting him for a while--more convinced than ever that I am somehow responsible for him. (I still feel that way, but I am working to rid myself of it. But like you, I am married to him, and that does make things more complicated in a legal sense--I really AM responsible to a certain degree, legally speaking.)

I remember before dating he was talking about inviting a very selected group of 1 or 2 people to his parents house boat....and as we were in our soccer group at the restaurant where we hang out after playing....he threw that the trip was coming up and I could come if I wanted to...I felt special...yet, he turned around and gave me his back and I felt completely ignored....I remember asking him when he finally turned back....as if I was somebody else....how much it would cost...just in case, bec the invite sounded free of costs....but I thought I better ask....he said some large amount of money that I said to myself forget it!.....and left it there....then the other big big sign...and this came after we had spent nights on the sofa but no sex....like two months since we were seeing each other...that he invited me casually to his parents mansion in Colorado....once we got there we went the second or first evening to a large cafe concert...he flirted with the waitresses...it was painful and distressful...later on that evening he humilated me in his house...yelled at me profanities and made me cry and told me he would take me to the airport very descriptive right away...it was snoowing, cold in the middle of nowhere, and about 3 AM .....I ended up appologizing for having gotten upset that he was flirting which I just did not speak with him as energetic...but he caught up that in the bus ride back to the town we parked the car I spoke with another guy that happened to sit next to me (there were no many seats available)...in a more energetic way...which really was not....but I was indeed deeply hurt of his flirting.....that evening should have been my warning.....I am now realizing that it is the swing of making me feel sooooo humilated and ready to abandom me at the "closed" airport...and then rescuing me the next day after having slept in separate beds and in the ground level in a large house...that I got addicted to....I have fallen in the illusion that he can rescue me.....and make me feel better....yet when you think about it...he created the pandemonia himself....to create this feeling of he can make me provide for me a safer feeling.....I now see things differently....yet, today as I was working at the register...there was this talkative person..who I was informed few minutes later is a creep!....and I was nice to him giving him info of my studies, etc.....I realize that it is my bounderies and something else I need to work at...bec I will fall for this kind of guys....in the short run...I believe....that most of the guys I meet I do feel my guts telling me do not connect there is nothing behind this facade...which I did feel today.....I need to connect with my gut faster....I am learning baby steps at a time and it is highly frustrating to find that I am establishing conversation with creeps!..and I recognize it after the fact....I believe it is very difficult to recognize abusers...specially bec I am a generous person....and this is my moto....my automatic pilot...it is hard to disconnect and make me aware that there is a limit...specially when I am working with public and trying to be pleasant and courteous which I thrive doing so.....there has to be a signal when people are asking personal questions....yet when do you say this is an abuser and this is not.....I think I have to venture...and I will get hurt it is recognizing it and painfully say STOP.....or proceed with a whole lot more easy into giving info about myself and interest?....it is a bit confusing...but I am getting an idea.....there are more incidents that when I now look back....I let slide due to I thought he somewhat was genuinly sorry...I remember I told him...I feel afraid that you are going to laugh at my expense in the future....he said rather immediately...why would I laugh at you when I can laugh with you.....discusting!...but I already knew it did not feel genuine.....so I did not tell him things that would hurt me...he tried but I did not....I am reading "the sociopath next door" by martha stout, ("....one in 25 ordinary Americans secretly has no conscience and can do anything at all without feeling guilty!...."), and recognizing my immediate relatives...all sociopaths like my abuser!...and I remember I used to out of the habit of my relatives....to make very naturaly others feel sorry about me, my situation what ever this may have been....I dont know how I used to do it......which the book describes as a way and purpose of sociopaths...it has taken me years of separation from my relatives to detach from this habits....but I very much recognize these signs bec I have seen them in my relatives and few I have done them without knowing I was doing it.....scary and weird...this is where I know I have knowledge from the past and I am using it to my advantage...one is, my abuser is very much like my brother!...and I dont speak or get along with my brother...I told my abuser and his parents.....so this wakes me up when I miss the act of Mr. Wonderful...I think would my brother ever change?...would my mom, sister or dad too?...there is no way in the whole world they will ever change...then I apply this knowledge to my abuser and it ease the desire of wanting to be with him..or his ever changing...I have divorsed my relatives too...and this has been a lot easier since I have been sooooo tired of all their suddle abuse...I no longer believe they are genuine....even when they have been nice...I just know I have to avoid them else they will guilt me into their "feeling sorry, etc"...dont want to waste my time...hope I make same link with my abuser soon.....

Post edited by: p92868, at: 07/15/2012 08:36 PM

Also, the book says that the main purpose of the sociopath is to punish you for having chosen a peaceful and nice lifestyle....this makes a lot of sense to me...it fits with my theory that my abuser is my Terminator...just like in the movie....he is programmed to distroy me at any cost...even like a cat awaits for the mouse to get out of his hole...very tetricly patient......and very suddle abusive manuvers...I am so glad to be able to make sense of all of this.....now a matter of continue in the long run to stay away from my abuser with my feelings a par with my intellect...and lots of work on my bounderies....my life will be fun...even with the sad part time jobs I currently have...I know how to make the best of the worst scenarios......and my peaceful way of living shall succeed!...Yeah!!!...my progress....I have times that I clearly do not want to live my abusers life...I like mine!...as tuff as this is...even when I think about the material access that he has...I can measure my progress in this way ...and it is soooo relieving to experience this feeling of wanting to have my own treasured life...that it is a whole lot better than his....this is awesome to experience...Yuppee...I am happy about my progress...I accept and love myself...also the love that I feel for Mr. Wonderful, I can see that is love I feel for myself!..another experience that I have to attribute to the no contact space with my abuser...I am moving along...Yes Yes Yes!...there is hope for me too.....just baby steps at a time.....

Post edited by: p92868, at: 07/15/2012 09:11 PM

I remember my husband and I were at some bar together while we were dating and suddenly he got mad and left the bar- I think I was dancing or talking to someone and it pissed him off.. I followed him outside and he said "he didn't like crowded places..??" Another time was when we were dating and he always trashed his ex and actually went refered to her as "satan"- he was in his late 20's and I asked one time how old is she? and he didn't want to tell me... She had just turned 19... they dated for 3 years. Really grossed me out that he went from someone so young.

Another thing that got me was when his ex told me they had slept together and had a threesome and he was pushing for the 3some, I was sooo grossed out.. I asked him about it and he lied up and down and swore he would never do something like that to hurt me (that was 3 months into it) I had a dark errie feeling come over me and I knew something wasn't right- however, he was so gentle and what I thought to be honest with me... I was so wrong..

Another time (when I was moving in with him) we passed border patrol and they stopped us and questioned us and I answered a question for my him and he said after we pulled away he looked at me and said "Don't ever interrupt me again." I stared out my window and cried.... I was moving over 1,700 miles to be with him and I felt like I made a horrible mistake.

Another thing during that same trip was his son, I had never met such an unhappy kid- he cried literally the whole time we drove which was forever it seemed like. We stopped at a hotel and his son wouldn't go to slepp and my daughter and I were in one bed and he and his son in another and he got really angry at his son because he wanted to play.

I remember some people from work asked for us to go out with them and he I guess talked to one of the guys and said "he didn't feel comfortable taking me to bars because of all the guys that flirt and hit on me..."

Another weird thing was when we met he talked so horrible about his ex (his ex ended up killing herself after my husband and I had gotten married). He made me hate her.

After I had moved in with him and we were together for a few months I felt like things weren't really what I wanted for my daughter and I and I had a talk with him about me moving into my own house and just slowing things down and he freaked out and threw things and was screaming at me telling me that he will just be alone again.. I felt so bad so I ended up trying to comfort him through his feelings while I neglected my own...

My husband always twisted agruements and turned them around on me- however in the begining of our relationship we rarely fought.. He told me constantly how beautiful and sexy I was and how much he loved me and he couldnt keep his hands off of me. Towards the end of our marriage he didn't hardly touch me.. If I asked for sex I was shut down, he only wanted sex when he wanted it.. He used to like me to dress up and wear really exotic clothing for him and always wanted to donminate me in bed- one time he bit me while going down on me and said it was an accident. I never felt truly valued by him- he never gave me that "look" of so in love... He worked for himself because he was laid off a job several years ago and I asked him over and over to get a job and he would yell at me telling me he had a job...However, it rarely made money- he slept in every morning and worked late so I took care of the kids. He was a very selfish man but had times of gentleness and thoughtfulness... I always thought our issues were the cause of me being a bad person... I started to hate myself... I felt so jealous of other people and ecspecially other women. He would constantly check girls out in front of me and then lie about it and make me feel horrible for asking if he was looking at other women.. I always felt "bad" and wasnt sure exactly why... I now know how he was twisting my reality into his own and I wasnt happy in his reality... I hated life there.

I fell out of love with my husband- I no longer love the person I thought he was because that person was a lie and never existed anyway- the person who did exist was the selfish man that broke my things and scared me and intimidated me... He didn't make me feel safe he scared me..

He didn't provide for our family he took what I provided and then some.

He pawned all of my things worth value..

He lied about anything and everything.

He manipulated everything.

I'm so glad Im out.

I think that is a definite early warning sign...when they punish you and withdraw like that.That is one of my earliest recollections too.We were at a bar and he would not speak to me for hours and i had no idea what i had done.Ends up some guy said hello to me and this was enough for him to punish me with the silent treatment.My other memory that stands out is the aggressive driving when he got angry and his impatience.

Post edited by: WandaLynn, at: 07/16/2012 11:28 AM

thank you for posting replies. it helps me a lot to see the common themes , even after reading so much on these boards. Mine would punish me for being too exhuberant when we were talking basically. like sometimes i get excited and interrupt. It would confuse me SO SO much because i would think we were having fun and suddenly he would be gone, or sulking. And he wouldnt just tell me, and he wouldnt just go "hey! You interrupted me !" like a reasonable person. It was a big, big deal. But that was just the beginning that day----another day soon after that, he splashed water in my face for the same thing.. just talking too excitedly about a random topic and making a bold claim about something that he didnt agree with. He looked at me with a hateful stare and i ALMOST left him right there. I got up from our table at the sidewalk cafe and walked away. But of course i talked myself into wanting him back. It was absurd. I pray i never make that mistake again.

In reading sociopaths/abusers want to punish their victims for having choosen a peaceful and gentle life.....very interesting statement...that makes lot of sense...this is why I am calling my abuser my terminator...like in the movie he has been programmed to distroy me.....in his own way.....I need to understand this concept so I can cut the connection of his programming in my brain cells....so I can successfully detach!