Emotional Abuse Support Group

I left an abusive relationship about a year ago but I am still having a hard time moving forward. I have anxiety all the time because I am still scared of my ex. Terrified of him. I started seeking professional help to help me cope with my fears. I do not know where to begin. How does someone use to being abused for over 8 years in a relationship start to just forget and move on. How do you stop being scared of your abuser? Thanks in advance for all your help.

Have you been tested for PTSD? I think it could be a possibility?

Maybe start writing down the worst thing that could possibly happen to you from your ex and then the possibility that it could actually happen. My therapist is having me do that because I too had irrational scary thoughts about him.

Journaling helps a lot too!

Hi and welcome to our group! Are you in counseling at all? If not, you should be. Call your local domestic abuse shelter and find out what resources they have to offer. Most offer free individual and group counseling.

Secondly, read our group bible, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. Bancroft has worked with thousands of abusers for nearly 20 years and really knows how they think and what motivates them. Even though you've left your abuser, it will really help you to know these things. Remember the saying 'know thine enemy'? This is why. This book has been a life changer for so many members of our group. It kick starts your healing.

I put a link to it below on Amazon where you can read reviews of it and a chapter for free, but you can get it anywhere even your public library. If your library doesn't have it, you can ask them to get it for you via inter-library loan.

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/ 0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1341960108&sr=1-1&keywords=why+does+he+do+that+inside+the+mind+of+angry+and+controlling+men

Thirdly, "forgetting" is not conducive to healing. "Forgetting" just pushes the emotions back down. You have to start REMEMBERING. PTSD comes from not having the time or "permission" to feel and process events. Just because you don't process events doesn't mean their emotions go away.

Think of it like a bag of garbage that for whatever reason you didn't take out and instead put into the basement. Over time, you forget about it, but that doesn't mean it disappears. Instead, it begins rotting and festering and the smell starts stinking up your house and even your neighborhood. You can't imagine where that smell is coming from so you try all kinds of things to get rid of it like air fresheners, candles, etc. Nothing works. One day, you open the door to the basement and are bowled over by the stench. You search for the source and find the putrid bag of garbage, only now it's so rotted that maggots are crawling over it. You know you have to take it out to get rid of the smell. Now, however, the job of getting rid of it is 100 times worse than it would have been if you'd just dealt with it when it was a mere bag of garbage. So you don some gloves, a mask and the proper tools needed to deal with it. Once it's gone, your house smells fresh again. The stench is gone.

That bag of garbage represents your emotions in an abusive relationship. Many times, we are not allowed to express our fears and anger by our abusers, but that doesn't mean they go away. For you to heal, you have to remember them, feel them and express them.

Hi leigha83, My Therapist has me keeping a journal too.

Thank you Meg1129 for your reply. WOW! I never really thought of it that way. He was a police officer, till he lost his badge for domestic abuse. But for years I was scared to talk to anyone about my fears. He would make me feel like it was all me. He was so good at turning things around back to me that I didnt trust my judgement. I thought it was all me. For example, when we fought, he would not let me leave. He would restrain me. The more I struggled the tighter the restraints got. I would tell him that he was hurting me. He would say that I was doing it to myself. The more I struggled the tighter the restraint will be but if I would just relax I would stop hurting. I would always threatened to call 911 on him but he would tell me that I would be the one to go to jail. Because he will tell the cops that I hit him. He would tell me they would believe him over me because he is the one with the badge. One day he didnt know my daughter was still home. I yelled at the top of my lungs for her. She called 911 on him. He had to spend a night in jail and he lost his peace officer license and his badge. He told me that I did that to him. I ruined his career. That I was being over dramatic because I am not an abused wife. He told me that there are real women out there that have a reason to to call 911. But I was just being over dramatic. This is just some examples of what I had to go through for over 8 years.

I will read the book you suggested. I want the anxiety to go away and I dont want to be scared anymore.

BTW, Thank you to both Meg1129 and leigha83 for your replies.

His behaviour is very typical for abusers. In fact, in Bancroft's book, he details 10 abuser types and while I don't have my book handy, he sounds like he could be the Terrorist. Bancroft says that most abusers are a mix of two or three types though. We recently had a thread on the abuser types ... not as detailed as in Bancroft's book ... but enough that you could get an idea. I'll see if I can find it and re-post it.

Gosh! what a big old and fat nightmare....I admire your surviving your abuser...yes, read Bankroft, it will help you understand a lot of things...also the domestic violence hotline is handy to talk and to give you referals for dv support groups and affordable and free counseling....keep it up...I really admire you tenacity.....800-799-7233 dv hotline number.....I left my abuser 1 year plus ago and I continue to heal..welcome to the support group!....Hug, Patricia

I have to say I have read 39 pages into the book and I so floored that every sentence I have read describes my situation. As id the author new my ex and the turmoil and confusion

I was going through. It feels finally! Someone understand my suffering and it was not all on my head as my ex kept telling me. He would say that I needed therapy becaus everyone thinks he is mr wonderful and it is sad that his wife doesnt see him in the same manner. Everyone around us thinks highly of him and it hurts him that his own wife doesn't. I began to feel I was not a good wife to him. No matter how hard I tried I was not a good wife.

Thanks for the book. It helps me know I am not alone in my feelings and doubt and that it wasn't all in my head as he puts it.

We've all been there. My abuser was also highly thought of by co-workers, neighbors, etc. He was always the first to volunteer to help someone in need, always there to listen and encourage someone. I used to gag thinking that the girls in his office probably thought, "Wow, what a great guy. All the good ones are taken!" HA!!! They should have seen him slam me into a wall or throw the Christmas presents we'd bought him into the trash on Christmas day or push me away from him the morning after we lost our baby and tell me that he's over it and I should deal with it on my own.

Their public image means everything to them.