Emotional Abuse Support Group

Hi everyone. I usually spend ages at new forums before I post, getting to know the culture and the way things are done, but I just found this one in the last hour or so. I guess that's a measure of how desperate I am.

I'm preparing to leave a long relationship (15+ years). I've been trying to get out just for a separation for more than a year. I am still not sure that "emotional abuse" is the right word for what is happening here but a lot of the criteria sure do fit. Right now, I have a plane ticket to a place for away and somewhere to stay on the other end. I leave in a couple of weeks. Husband still doesn't know. I'm telling him today.

I constantly feel guilty. Until I found some people--separate from "our" life--I felt used up inside, like there was nothing left in me. I am the main breadwinner and I do most of the household stuff too. Crazy, huh? You'd think I could just walk away. But his manipulations are very effective and convinced me for a long time that I was bad and crazy. Now I've decided that I may well be a bad and insane person, but I am going to go thousands of miles away and be bad and insane there instead!

Oh, and I'll still be supporting him from afar because he can't support himself. Yet. I know that's stupid, too, but you know, baby steps. Little by little I am separating myself from him. It's hard, because I still do love him very much. It pains me to hurt him. Again, crazy, right?

I am smart, capable, and independent. Most people would never believe I of all people would find myself in this situation. And only a couple of people know how bad it is. Most don't know anything, think we are the perfect couple.

Just hoping to hang out here and get some support in the weeks to come. I am just so emotionally exhausted sometimes I don't know how I'm going to get through each day.

Hi and welcome to our group! I don't have a lot of time right now, but I want to urge you to read our group bible, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. Bancroft has worked with thousands of abusers for nearly 20 years and really knows how they think and what motivates them. Once you find out these things, his abuse will have little to no effect on you anymore. It's like finding out how a magician does all of his tricks.

I put a link to it below on Amazon where you can read reviews of it and a chapter for free right now, but you can get it anywhere even your public library. If your library doesn't have it, ask them to get it for you via inter-library loan.

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/ 0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1341846745&sr=1-1&keywords=why+does+he+do+that+inside+the+mind+of+angry+and+controlling+men

Abusiveness is the result of a warped value system that includes a sense of entitlement, a need for control and a low opinion of women. Abusers never change. You are not crazy. You are an abuse victim and you have been groomed to feel responsible for him. Check out our recent thread on mind control (brainwashing) techniques. I'll bet a lot of them sound familiar to you.

Hi - welcome. You are doing a very strong and brave thing by leaving. Don't let anyone tell you differently! This is a very loving step to take for yourself. Love yourself enough to get the book the Meg suggests. I finally got it - and it has helped me heal - when a few months ago I actually was making plans to go BACK to my abuser! I'm so thankful for this book, this site, and knowing at the core of my being that what was being done to me is NOT love.

I have to warn you - because now that I experienced it and have the wisdom from it - I can tell it. The programming that the abuser has done to you is now INSIDE your head. You will struggle with the words and thoughts that his abuse created. Even without him being there to say the things he does - you will find at times - moments of fear and confusion - that the words are still there and this time they are in your voice inside your head. THAT is when you need to see the pure sickness of what an abuser does to you!

He gets close you to - and what you think is intimacy in sharing your fears and insecurities - he sees as tools for controlling you and making you believe that without him you can't survive. It's pure evil! Be aware of your thoughts and be aware of the ones that come from all the things HE has said over the years. Then imagine a big red STOP SIGN with the word STOP on it. Stop those thoughts - don't feed them. Because once the thought starts the emotions come right behind it. You find yourself believing all the crap he has said. THAT was his whole intention. Because IF you ever got sick and tired of his crap enough to leave - he knew those words were already in your head.

This is the sickest part of all of this. For someone to have the privilege of being the Significant Other in your life and to use that privilege to say things to keep you unsure, self doubting and afraid is straight up abuse. So please get the book, post here and get yourself back. You are worth it.

Welcome. I too have been in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for along time (20 + years). You came to the right spot. This group is very supportive and helpful.

Thank you all so much for your replies and suggestions. I think this group is going to be really helpful for me in the months ahead. I'm sure I'm no different from most everyone here when I say the bare outline I've tossed out is just the tip of the iceberg. (There's the tens of thousands of dollars in debt I am now responsible for, for example!) Meg, I will look into that book! Miranda, thank you, I think I know the programming you speak of, and I want to get it out of my head. I will work on the STOP SIGN visualization. Nancysangel, thank you for the welcome

And I am sure it will all sound very familiar to everyone when I say that as long as I don't rock the boat, ask for anything, or have any disruptive wants or needs things are often fine. That's one reason I've put off telling him I'm leaving to the last minute.... I am dreading going through either the emotional manipulation of him being crushed or the abusive rundown on how crazy I am and I don't know what I'm doing (later excused by "People just say things like that when they're upset"). The other reason was that I felt sure that given enough lead time, he would find ways to manipulate me and throw obstacles in my path.

But I am still very, very anxious about the conversation ahead. I am not looking to get acceptance from him or anything; I am walking out that door and getting on that plane no matter what, but I am still dreading what he may put me through in the meantime. Things have been very smooth over the last few months because I simply gave up asking for or expecting anything once I'd finalized my decision to leave.

I am working a lot today and still haven't had time to look over this site much but I am looking forward to doing so and I think it is going to be a big, big help to me. Thank you all again.

You don't have to have that "conversation" if you don't want to. Honestly, there is nothing to be gained by it and much to be lost. He will not suddenly see the errors of his ways or how much you mean to him. Instead, he will, as you said, try to manipulate or guilt you into staying or blame everything on you.

As you've found out, abusers don't see you as a person with needs, wants and desires of your own. You are an appliance to them. Your needs, wants and desires are a problem in the relationship and in his mind, they must be stamped out. Only HIS needs, wants and desires should count.

Please do read Bancroft's book. It will make the days ahead so much easier!

I wouldn't even tell him about anything. Maybe leave him a note the day you leave if you feel you need to get things off your chest. I can only see bad things happening if you tell him before hand. I am glad you found this group. It will be very helpful to you in the months ahead.

Meg & Leigha - I'm glad you said it. I wasn't sure if I should. I DID pack and leave one morning and left him a note. I've never done anything like that in my life. I had planned it for three weeks and spent that time pretending like nothing was wrong. I mailed out things that he wouldn't notice were missing. It was the strangest experience of my life!

Why did I do it that way? Because I had real experience and wisdom that the last time we were together (15 years ago) and I DID TELL him that I was moving out - he seemed to accept it for a few days. Then one night he came home in a nasty mood. Started yelling, broke something of mine (a statue that was my grandfather's and he had died when I was 19). He also pulled the phone cord out of the wall while I was on the phone with my mother. My family was there within the hour moving me and my stuff out of his house. I was essentially homeless for four days because the place I had put a deposit of wasn't ready yet.

KNOWING that he was capable of this kind of behavior - I wonder WHY I tried again after all these years. I figured I was older and more capable of handling myself. Until I was in another state with him, no job, no money and didn't know anyone else. That's when his behavior started again. I did tell him three times to stop yelling at me. I figured three times was too much. I packed and left him a note. I figured he would get it then. As for me - I was headed back to deal with the life that I had left behind three months ago.

Abusers don't change. That is a fact. Even IF you think you are strong enough now - they will focus on wearing you down and use whatever means they feel is necessary to turn you into what meets their needs. It is so de-humanizing. That isn't love. It IS control, lies, manipulation, humiliation - it IS abuse.

Take care of yourself and put you first.

I believe also that having the "conversation" will risk you to loose much more than gain ANY kind of benefit from it..it is as if you are trying to reason with an abuser that has not and will not reason even to comprenhend what you are about to tell him...on the contrary he will distord your attempt to leave him.....something you have already arrived to the conclusion that he is not worth living with..call the dv hotline 800-799-7233 when you need instant support.....many of us have left our abusers and as you will find out, the first step to physically leave an aubser is crucial.....you have worked hard to get you there...and you dont want to go back to him once you have left him....read from this website of victims that have done this mistake and how it takes to endure it.....save yourself from that missery....I would understand if you are not ready to leave yet.....but try your best to not tell him of your plans....believe me, your abuser will find a way to manipulate and explain things differently and you will not leave or leave with a whole lot more guilt...abusers know their victims better than the victims know ourselves.....they have spent all their time knowing our weakness and desires...abusers will adapt and dose their abuse until the desire reaction is obtained....abusers will say ANYTHING to make their victims do as they please.......I admire you tenacity and decision to leaving your abuser......concentrate on your end goal and dream of ALL the stuff that you will do once you get there....babysteps at a time.....

Post edited by: p92868, at: 07/10/2012 02:41 AM

Thank you, everyone. I am overwhelmed in a good way by the outpouring of support. You are all right, it is not a "conversation"--this actually occurred to me a few weeks ago and it was like a lightbulb went on in my head, realizing that there was nothing more to talk about and I was just going to tell him I was going, cover the practical stuff, and go. I don't think it will come to leaving without saying anything but I still have not done so--every day I say, well, maybe later, or maybe tomorrow. And believe me, I have had my share of fantasies about sneaking out in the middle of the night leaving a note!

I actually found this site while I was looking for some kind of domestic violence hotline or support. I am not even really sure what made me have that impulse. I do know that I keep imagining telling him that I am leaving, and forcing myself not to be drawn into a discussion or debate about it. Walking away. There's nothing to talk about. And I think what I had in mind was needing someone to hammer into my head the things you all are here.

Miranda, it is such a strange experience, making all the plans in secret. It's disorienting, like I'm living a double life, I'm two different people. I don't like it. It doesn't suit me. But I know I'll be on the other side of it soon enough. And there seems to be this part of me that has just taken the reins and plunged forward with self-preservation, when the rest of me seems paralyzed. I know that sounds strange to describe it that way, but it's how it feels.

I appreciate you all making sure I keep the focus on ME and what I need and reminding me that's okay to look after myself. I'll keep posting about how I'm progressing, and I'm also looking forward to having time to read around the site more.