Emotional Abuse Support Group

Let me start off.. i will try not to make this too long... i just need help.. I am certain he emotionally abused me i have tons of storys and the "rules" i had to live by etc.. i know he is/was emotionally abusing me as well as im pretty sure my "best friend" is emotionally abusing me (this revolution just came to me actually) anyway, my (ex) and i have been together for a year and a half now.. well he tech broke up with me saturday (6/30/2012) anyway he does this alot.. now heres the deal.. i love him my head says i shouldnt EVERYONE in my life (including his family says not to) yet, i do.. this time im about 75% sure its actually over.. but heres the problem 1) if it is over how the crap do i heal seriously i have been bawling all dang day ive begged him to come back im seriously thinking i am now pyscho or something honestly i have never been like that but now i have no friends, no bf, no family i can talk to they all say leave him or get over it.. 2) problem.. if its not over.. how do i stay gone.. i know i cant be with him but i want to be with him so bad.. i know none of you know me and i know i am coming off as a desperate pathetic loser but i know he can be a good guy and i have dealt with his bad behavior for so long dont i deserve to see the good behavior.. then as i re-read this im thinking wow i am psycho why do i want to be yelled at every day of my life? be controlled? be put down? disrespected.. etc.. but then it just hurts so bad being away from him.. oooh and did i mention he gave me an std (herpes) so thats another reason i wanna stay who the hell would want a fat herpes ridden skank like me? UGH I didnt used to be this desperate or felt this low.. can anyone help me without judging me? or tell me what to do? i cant go to dr.. i have no money (nor a job) .. had one.. he made me quit.. i cant do free mental health clinic .. tried it everyone there is just looking for pills (they put me in a group therapy) anyway.. ooh i should mention while i was with him i did get diagnosed with depression and got prescriptions but i only took them for a month b/c once i told him he threatend me so i stopped taking them .. i dont think the zoloft helped anyway.. ugh see.. i re-read this and to myself i sound bat shit crazy.. please someone anyone.. i need to know someone has gone through this ..

Post edited by: kmccoy2006, at: 07/02/2012 07:30 PM

Post edited by: kmccoy2006, at: 07/02/2012 10:54 PM

Oh I went through this! You are not crazy. You are feeling all the things that happen when you get free from all the controlling and abusive behavior. You have been groomed to accept (or at least tolerate) this behavior for the sake of the relationship. It is hard because you have put SO much of your energy and focus on making this relationship work. Now you have to focus on yourself and it's hard to do that without all that stress and pressure. Like you fought to keep that part of yourself and now that you don't have to fight - it is confusing and strange for you.

I've had moments - even made plans to go back to my abuser. Actually thought I wanted to. Now that HE has decided to give me the silent treatment for four weeks now - I've had time to re-adjust my mind and focus on me. It was painful and I felt like the crazy one. I think the No Contact is actually best because it doesn't stir up all those feelings. Support groups help too. I found this site and started going to Al-anon meetings (where they teach you to keep the focus on yourself). I still have days of pain and sadness but I'm getting there. You will too. Keep posting here. It helps.

Oh - and you WILL hear a LOT about Lundy Bancrofts' book "Why Does He Do That." It is a great view of abusive behavior. I'm reading the other one now "Should I Stay Or Should I Go" and it is helping me a lot. I've reserved the other one at the library today. It even talks about wondering if YOU are the problem - you aren't! It's the reaction to all the abusive and controlling behavior. Also - a good reason to NOT go back. Remember this pain, this crazy feeling, this confusion. That is what you will get back too! It's like coming off a drug! No one should have to go through this more than once.

miranda17 Thank you so much .. just hearing that i am not psycho helps to know someone out there has gone/going through the same thing...

Go to the General Support and read the article on Stockholm Syndrome. See if any of it sounds familiar......

WOW.. to a T !

Yeah - it sucks to realize that what you thought was 'love' wasn't real. YOU adjusted to a very unstable and unhealthy situation to make it work. That's what most of us women do. Now you have to re-adjust and the best way to do that is to learn that what he did was not love and not a healthy relationship. It's kind of a blow to realize it - but then you do the work to get healthy and you won't want it back - ever.

so its 1240 am where im at.. i was finally asleep after tons of crying.. my phone rings its him.. he claims to have called me to check up on me (since he knows i now i have NO friends b/c i lost them all during our relationship and they stil want nothing to do with me) anyway, as hes "checking up" on me... i start bawling he proceeds to tell me how i messed our relationship up listing everything i did wrong i bawl harder.. then i find myself begging him to take me back then i pissed him off i apologized and begged harder through the tears he said im sorry ur hurting you know i love you but i cant be with you just yet you havent fully learned ur lesson (hes with another girl right now) but maybe in a couple months.. anyway ill call you tomorrow.. why does he do this to me? I AM GOING CRAZY here... im bawling pleading doing everything i can and then i think WTH why did i do that and i cry more.. it hurts everything esp having no one to talk to...except yall thanks for letting me air this out..

kmcoy2006,Your NOT crazy.But you DO need support and knowledge.Get a copy of the book "Why does he do that?Inside the minds of angry controlling men."by Lundy Bancroft.It is available at most libraries,bookstores and from amazon.com for about $10.You will find it immensely helpful.

HUGS.Lanna

Hi and welcome to our group! No, you are not crazy, but emotional abuse can certainly make you feel that way because you are told over and over again how everything is your fault. I have got a few suggestions for you.

First, I urge you to read our group bible, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. Bancroft has worked with thousands of abusers for nearly 20 years and really knows how they think and what motivates them. Once you know these things, his abuse will have little to no effect on you anymore. It's like finding out how a magician does all his tricks. I put a link to the book below on Amazon where you can read reviews of it and a chapter for free right now, but you can get it anywhere, even your public library. If your library doesn't have it, ask them to get it for you via inter-library loan.

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/ 0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1341321915&sr=1-1&keywords=why+does+he+do+that

Secondly, call your local domestic abuse shelter and find out what they have to offer in the way of counseling. Most offer free individual and group counseling. You really need a counselor who is experienced in dealing with abuse victims because the advice you would give for a normal relationship problem is disasterous when applied to an abusive one.

Thirdly, go no contact immediately. I know how hard that sounds right now, but that's the only way to start healing. You can't begin to heal when you're thinking is still being polluted by Abuser-speak.

Finally, ANY TIME you need to talk to someone, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. They are wonderful to talk to and your call is completely confidential. They won't even ask your name. They are there for you 24/7!

thank you i am going to read that book asap.. question my friend ..idk we are on again off again.. and im starting to feel like shes also an emotional abuser... she doesnt care about anyone but her self and gets mad about nothing (like i wouldnt drive 30 min away to see her for 5 min b/c she was boreD) anyway, my question is.. she keeps blowing up my phone (and facebook) calling me pathetic loser etc this morning she just msgd me saying "hey loser are u still sulking?" (in reference to me being broken up with my abuser) what should i say to her.. ? i dont wanna create another fight with her but i also cant stand the way shes talking to me i know she doesnt get it but i do/did love him and i am trying to get over this.. i just dont know what to say to her i am not crying so much today after doing so much research and reading what all these other women have gone through.. (a lot of them are my story to a T).. anyway, i just dont know what to say..