Emotional Abuse Support Group

As most of you know, I am applying for jobs (a job transfer) within my company as a means of leaving my EA. We work together and he threatened to make me lose my job (I am his boss), it was then I knew I needed to get out. That was a month ago. Since then, I applied for 3 jobs. 1 that is only 45 mins from my current location and would not require me to move, and 2 that are 3 hours away. Well...guess what? The job postings closed this Monday. I have already had 2 interviews (for the 2 that are 3 hours away) and the other job(45 mins away) has scheduled me for an interview next week. I have also already been scheduled for 2nd interviews for the 2 that are 3 hours away. This leads me to believe I have a very good shot at being made an offer.

The problem.... Guess who has been Mr. Nice Guy since Monday? After not speaking to me for 3 days(last Friday, Sat, & Sunday), he came back around Monday night and we had a nice night together. He has NO IDEA I have applied for a job transfer. He just know's I didn't feed into his silent treatment last weekend like I would normally do. So, here I am kicking myself because I am so happy with him right now but yet I am probably on the verge of a job offer elsewhere...

What do I do??? The Mr. Nice Guy is just short lived, right? I would regret not taking the job if made an offer???? Wish he would just go back to his jerky self so that I would trust my decision to be doing this..

ilovehim30,All abusers put on their "mr.nice guy" routine.Especially if they have an inkling that you might leave.That is typical abuser behavior.Trust me when I tell that you that eventually the abuse WILL resume and probably worse than ever.Yes,you are doing the RIGHT thing moving on.Believe it.Trust it.Don't second guess your own instincts that are telling you to run like a bat out of hell.Because you really ARE running from a living hell.Good luck with the job search.

HUGS.Lanna

WAYS ABUSERS STAGE THEIR RETURN INTO YOUR LIFE:

He will threaten you,stalk and harrass you.Barrage you with phone calls,e-mails,texts,show up unannounced wherever you happen to be etc.When that doesn't work he will ................

Turn on the charm and promise to change.Apologize,bring you flowers,tell you how much he loves you.When that doesn't work he will..................

Find religion.Start going to church.Tell you that good women submit to men.Tell you that you have to forgive him and give him another chance.When that doesn't work he will...............

Threaten to kill himself.Tell you that he cannot go on without you.When that doesn't work he will............................

Threaten,stalk and harass you again.Call you names and tell you what a heartless Bitch you are for not taking him back.When that doesn't work he will....................................

Contact all your family,friends and co-workers and tell them what a horrible person you are and that he never abused you.When that doesn't work he will....................................

Become Father of the year.Begin taking a interest in your children and use them to manipulate you,pump them for information about you and threaten to kidnap them if you won't take him back.When that doesn't work he will..................

Tell you that the abuse was all YOUR fault.If you hadn't pushed him,argued with him,if you had followed his rules,done what you were told etc. the abuse wouldn't have happened.When that doesn't work he will.....................................

Go into therapy and tell you that he is going to be a changed man.Then he will manipulate the therapist and blame you for his abuse.When that doesn't work he will.............................

Try to make you jealous by telling you that he is going back to his old girlfriend or ex.When that doesn't work he will .........................

Threaten to kill you if you do not talk to him or take him back.When that doesn't work he will........................

Go back to begging you to take him back and promise you that the abuse will never happen again.When that doesn't work he will............................................

Tell you that you are responsible for making his life so miserable.If you would just take him back it would all be better..........................

Tell you he only hurt you because he was drunk or high.So he's not responsible.When that doesn't work he will......................

When that doesn't work he will.............................

OKAY YOU GET THE PICTURE.LIFE WITH AN ABUSER IS ALL ABOUT CONTROL.EVERY SINGLE THING HE SAYS AND DOES IS AIMED AT MANIPULATING YOU.EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS A LIE.IT IS ALL ABOUT CONTROLLING YOU.DO NOT FALL FOR AN ABUSERS GAMES.

Lanna

Post edited by: Lanna, at: 06/29/2012 04:16 PM

Think about this...if you were offered the job and didn't take it because you wanted to give it another go with him and then in a weeks time he was back to his old ways...how much would you be pissed at yourself.

Stick to your guns. You are doing the right thing. Wait until it gets closer to the weekend and he will be a jerk again. He wants to play poker and hang with his friends so he needs to pick a fight with you to do so.

You are doing what is best for your well being. The fact that you have to question whether his 'niceness' is real of not is enough to make you have doubts. DON'T waste a chance to do what is healthy for you. The job is a way out. Then do the work on making yourself healthy so you can recognize and participate in a healthy relationship. It will take time to get restored to wholeness after someone that knows you intimately used that closeness to control and manipulate you. Invest in yourself. You won't ever regret it!

Thank you all. I need the reassurance right now. Funny you should mention the poker!! He was actually going to spend the night with me!! TOTAL SHOCK. Til he got sick. He actually had me bring him some medicine today, I saw with my own 2 eyes that he is at home sick in bed, throwing up.

Trying to hold on to what I know is right...which is that give it a week or 2 and he will have found some other way to hurt me, be it getting mad over an innocent comment or chosing poker over me

Lanna, I wish I could take that post everywhere with me!

Twitchy23,Feel free to print it out and put it wherever you can use it.Most abusers follow the same patterns.That is why I can list the tactics they use.Don't be fooled.They are the same abusers they always were and always will be.Protect yourself.Knowledge is power.Take yours back!!!

Lanna

Do NOT buy into the Mr. Nice Guy act! ACT is the proper term for it... he's pretending to be different to make it more difficult for you to leave. He probably senses that you are wising up to his schemes so he is attempting to draw you back in. Lanna is right: going back WILL mean more abuse, and it will be worse than before in no time at all.

Abusers do not change. Don't you DARE give up this golden opportunity to get out of this awful situation just because of a man pretending to be "nice" for a bit! When you think of his behavior in terms of deliberate tactics for abuse, it can becomes harder to take it seriously.

I should have listened to you Schefflera and just stayed away Monday night when he invited me over. I thought that I could just turn off my emotions. I truly truly thought I would be ok, knowing how much his shutting me out has hurt me, how much him getting angry so easily has hurt me....But sure enough as soon as he was holding me and kissed me, the feelings all came flooding back.

Right now I guess I am just going to have to wait for him to be a jerk again so that I can get back in the right mindset. All I keep thinking about is how much I cared for him (and I won't lie, a part of me still does care for him and love him). I can't make this man into someone he is not, but why I am acting so foolish right now and shutting down my brain to all of the negatives? I just keep thinking about how happy he makes me when he treats me well, as he has been this whole week.

I would have never even been looking at this job transfer had he not threatened me weeks ago with my job (which he said I took the wrong way).

I HATE this.