Emotional Abuse Support Group

Maybe this should be a codependent topic. I don't even know if I am codependent. But I am going through the worlds longest divorce and now dating, which is ok with my future ex. However, when I date I notice I get so insecure. Is this normal with those who have been emotionally abused? I feel like I need to be center of attention. I often leave this guys house sad because of little things. But this has been with every date or relationship I have been in. I never feel emotionally statisfied, just empty. I feel like I will never be loved sometimes.

My first husband was emotionaly abusive, but loving. He got me pregnant so I would not leave him. I lost that child by the second trimester. He showered me with love, but got possessive and would threaten to kill himself everytime I would leave him. One day he roughed me up, so I left him and my father intervened as well. My father never disciplined me and I was not going to let this man touch me that way. However, since then I feel that if no one loves me as much as my first husband, they don't love or even like me. What's wrong with me? Or am I in the right? I was 20 when I met my first husband and was only him for about 3 years. I am now in my mid 30s and still looking for the same shower of affection.

Post edited by: lostangel777, at: 06/27/2012 11:51 PM

First off, around here we don't think too kindly on the concept of "codependency". Most of us here feel like this is a phony diagnosis intended to shift blame and responsibility onto the victim instead of addressing the abuse problem itself. Some would say that the "codependency argument" was developed by abusers in order to justify how they treat their victims.

That being said, I do think it is important to learn what the "red flags" are of an abusive person (which is an important skill for EVERYBODY, victim of abuse or not!). Bancroft talks about "red flags" at length in his book Why Does He Do That.

Also, it is worth mentioning that it's probably a bad idea to get involved in a new relationship until you are more or less healed from your abusive past. Healing takes a long time, and while it is tempting to immediately go out and seek comfort from someone else, the better thing to do is to learn how to comfort yourself and feel secure as an individual. If you continue to rely on some outside person as your means of happiness and self-satisfaction then you will never really be whole (and will possibly attract the wrong kind of people who look to exploit your vulnerabilities).

For the record, a person can't be emotionally abusive and "loving" at the same time. This is a fallacy. A person who loves you isn't even capable of being abusive, so whatever kind of tender moments that existed were only part of a scheme to keep you roped into an abusive relationship... drawing you in with good things that were supposed to somehow make up for the abuse.

I strongly suggest that you get a hold of the book Why Does He Do That by Bancroft ASAP. You can read the first chapter or so online on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/ 1452633444 . Please check your local bookstores, library, etc and make getting this book a priority! I promise you it will be enlightening!

Thanks for the clarification, the word codependent makes me cringe. I will check the book out. I have heard lots of good things about Bancroft. I think I have lots of healing to do. I tend to settle with the wrong person and some of them do exploit my vulnerabilities.

That's one thing abusers look for in victims - vulnerability. Then they take advantage of them. Definitely get your hands on Bancroft's book. It's a huge eye-opener and after that, you'll be seeing abusers everywhere.

Also, try to get yourself into some counseling. Call your local domestic abuse shelter and see what they have in the form of group or individual counseling.

This post has been so enlightening for me! Thank you! My sister tells me that I'm co-dependent and I've always resented it. I like your explanation for how that word came to be Schefflare .

Having said that - I have also felt that I have searched for that kind of affection ever since the first time I was with my abuser. It was 15 years ago, and ever since then I have always compared how I felt to him with others and it was never quite at the level I had with him. All these years later, I get a chance to have a relationship with him again - older and wiser - and the same abusive crap starts up again. Once again, I pack up and leave.

I'm now literally fighting my own demons in my head as to WHY - twice in my life - I risked everything for the love I thought I could have with him. Even KNOWING the abusive behaviors and thinking that this time I could handle it better. I feel like I haven't gotten past all the emotional crap. I just covered it up with holding a job, owning a house and raising my two kids. It all looked good - but I'm still just as emotionally messed up as I was back then.

It's made me so aware that I am causing myself pain by making the relationship choices and behaviors that I have. I need to learn to set healthy boundaries and be able to say no and still be respected. I need to be healthy for have a healthy relationship and I know I'm not yet. I feel like I've finally hit my 'bottom' and I am willing to do the work to get healthy. It sucks - but at the same time I finally value myself enough to do it.

Also, it is worth mentioning that it's probably a bad idea to get involved in a new relationship until you are more or less healed from your abusive past. Healing takes a long time, and while it is tempting to immediately go out and seek comfort from someone else, the better thing to do is to learn how to comfort yourself and feel secure as an individual. If you continue to rely on some outside person as your means of happiness and self-satisfaction then you will never really be whole (and will possibly attract the wrong kind of people who look to exploit your vulnerabilities).

I always wondered why therapists said wait one year to be serious again now I "get it" We lose ourselves in abuse. I didn't do what I enjoyed for a long time after abuse. I was just numb for the longest.

ok i am reading this and it has been 5 months since i moved out andi have started a little bit of dating. i thought it would be casual, but i am having some feelings already about losing myself or about wanting to make sure i didnt upset the other person, etc. I dont feel totally free, but this has been a learning/growing experience for me ,to take a look at where i am with the healing process.

I get why we should wait, but at the same token, if we keep these relationships pretty light--it seems like a good opportunity to notice things about myself that i need to work on. Like my insecurities that pop out. If i only see someone once a week for an evening, i get a chance to practice and notice my reactions, and then kind of "come back into myself" before i see them again. I have seen someone a couple of times only so i dont know if this is right, but i feel okay about it. We dont talk every day or anything so i really can just get back into my own groove in between seeing him. I dont even know if i will keep seeing him-- there is no "relationship" being discussed. I like the company and it has been very healing to be treated like i am an attractive person, i know i should manifest that from the inside, but i think going out dancing and things like that are also so helpful because i can see that people like to hang out with me ( friends, and potential date kind of people) and it just helps me remember who i was before i met my abuser. I dont think i want to get "into a relationship" where suddenly i am navigating all this psychological water along with another person. I do want to give myself a sense of moving on though, and it has felt very good, to get my mind off the abuse, and into my future life where there is no abuse. Being treated nicely also confirms to me how wrong it was for my abuser to treat me the ways that he did. it ALSO even shows me that i think maybe i wasnt in love with him, its showing me the stockholm syndrom effect. I am glad to have started dating for those reasons but i do understand what you all mean about waiting to get serious in any capacity. And hey, i only have 6 more months to go, if waiting a year is what it takes! Thats not bad, i feel like that is a good timeline.

Post edited by: starrybook2, at: 06/28/2012 04:29 PM