Emotional Abuse Support Group

i'm new here. i'm not sure if i'm being emotionally abused, but i found you all when i googled "i feel all alone" becuase that is how i've been feeling for a while. after reading some of the posts here, i realize my case isn't all that bad, but except for one friend who lives 7 hours away, who is in a worse situation than me, i just don't feel comfortable opening up to anyone.

i don't know where to start. i met my husband in college, and we've been together for 14 years. we have a 3 y/o daughter to whom he is a good father in general. to make a long story short, i got a job right after graduating while he started graduate school. after 6 years he finished his studies and got a post-doctoral position with a prestigeous university in the northeast, and i got a transfter and joined him there. after another 3 years, he got a well paying job with another university and our daghter was born. up until that point, i totally loved him and did everything within my power to accommodate his career/schedule, except for one instance when i broke up with him (before marriage) when i felt like he just didn't love/care for me as much as i did him. but he convinced me he would be a better partner and we got back together.

around the time our daughter was born is when he started getting nasty towards me. he would make slight digs at me, and put me down. i feel like he successfully stifled several of my hobbies by saying that they were ridiculous and "retarded" and implying i wouldn't succeed. i believe his stressful job contributed a lot to his sour mood during this time. i also got depressed during this time becuase of his constant negativity, which i believe i successfully treated on my own through vigorous exercise. anyway, his job got so bad taht he wanted to resign and take a much lower paying post-doc position in another state, which he believed would open up doors for him. i agreed, on the condition that my daughter and i stay behind since i had a very good job, and all 3 of us wouldn't have been able to survive on a post-doc salary.

fastforward 2 years (last yr), he gets a job in the westcoast (i am still in the east coast) and wants me to join him. i do, after several months (since i wanted to make sure he was going to stay with that job). but his negativity has just gotten so worse now. it seems like i cannot do anything right. i left a very good job in the east for him, but he does not appreciate that gesture at all. (in fact he has threatened divorce in5 months if my mood doesn't improve - i am depressed again) i feel like back in the east, working a full time job, and taking care of a 3 year old by myself was much LESS work than being a stay-at-home mom adn wife to this guy. he never appreciates anything i do, always finds something wrong with anything and everything i do. for example, he would say that our daughter needs social interaction and thinks i don't do enough things with her, but when i look for preschools, asks why she needs to go to school if i am staying at home. or, he'll ask why i don't find a job and then the next minute say "you can train a monkey to... [do my job]" and "you know i don't have any respect for ...[my occupation]". you would think that i was doing something degrading just listening to that, but i used to work in the software industry so i know it is not anything disrespectful.

it has gotten to the point where i don't even want to discuss my plans/goals with him because i feel like he would just put me down adn stifle them. today, he flat out told me that he doesn't give a hoot about what i wanted to do. i sort of knew that from his previous actions, but it really hurt when he said that. i wonder if i'm being too sensitive? it just hurts becuase i supported him in everything he was doing with his studies and career, and even financially all thetime he was in grad school.

i am just fed up now with all his jabs adn putdowns and need to figure out how to deal with it. despite his negativity, i will be going ahead with my career plans, but i need some stratergies to not let him affect me. i will be greatful for any recommendations/suggestions.

thank you.

First and foremost, everyone here will tell you to pick up the book by Lundy Bancroft "why does he do that". It goes into detail about abusive men and it's a real eye opener.

I really think from the way you explain things that you would be better off without this guy. Why do you always have to change your life around for him? There is no pleasing him. Would he move across the country for you if you found a job you loved and always dreamed of? My guess is that he wouldn't because he thinks he is way more important and smarter than you. It's all BS.

I can also assume your depression and bad mood has something to do with never making him happy either. I'm sure you would find once your distance yourself from him, your mood would shift dramatically.

You are in a great place to start healing from him. Every one here is very open and caring. Keep your head up! PM me if you need to.

Leigha

Hi and welcome to the group.

I want to encourage you to read our group bible, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. Bancroft has worked with thousands of abusers for nearly 20 years and really knows how they think and what motivates them. Once you know these things, your healing will come along much quicker. This book has been life changing for so many people on our board. There really is no other book like it.

I've put a link to it below on Amazon where you can read reviews of it and a chapter for free, but you can get it anywhere even your public library. If your library doesn't have it, ask them to get it for you via inter-library loan.

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/ 0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1338488672&sr=1-1

I tried for over a decade to find strategies and tools to not let my abusive husband affect me, but nothing ever worked. His consistent negativity and abuse made it impossible and the only thing that worked was leaving him.

No you are not too sensitve...he is verbally abusing you and not respecting you as a Mother or a wife.I encourage you also to read Bancroft's book as you will see that he probably has a low opinion of women and thinks he is superior.You cant please these kind of abusers because their expectations are unrealistic.

You may have what my doctor terms "Situational Depression". I had it. I'm pretty sure you can guess why.

My doctor originally prescribed me anti-depressants because the day I brought home my baby girl from the hospital, I locked myself in the bathroom and took a very hot bath. My abuser at the time called my doctor and told him that I was in the bathroom crying and wouldn't come out...and my doctor prescribed me anti-depressants for post pardom. What my abuser failed to tell my doctor was WHY I was in the bathroom crying.

He forgot to tell the doctor that he SCREAMED at me on the way home from the hospital with our new born baby in the back seat. He forgot to tell the doctor that the reason he SCREAMED at me was because my aunt and cousins were stopping by the house to bring us food and the house was a mess....and some how that was my fault.

My doctor said I had to come in the next day for a follow up and I did. I told him why I was crying in the bathroom and he looked at me real serious and told me...you do not have to take these if you do not want to. It sounds to me like you have a lot of reasons for you to be depressed right now.

Sure enough, it was another six months later that I actually started taking them. I started taking them because I had a fight with my abuser that was so bad that I called the police because he refused to leave. I was so hysterical when they got there that I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't compose myself and I came across as depressed and insane. So my abuser convinced me to start taking the anti-depressants.

They worked! I was able to cope with the abuse a lot better than I used to. Those shitty degrading comments didn't affect me as much because my mind was being chemically altered.

I was on anti-depressants for about five months before I left my abuser. During that time I realized that there was something seriously wrong with our relationship if I needed to be on ANTI-DEPRESSANTS to cope with being in the relationship.

About a month after I left my abuser, I ran out of anti-depressants and...I never went back for them...And I am so flipping happy now. Its amazing how much my brain changed after I got away from that bastard.

It's not you. Its him. Sounds to me like no matter what you do, he's going to divorce you or continue to threaten to divorce you. I would go and get a lawyer now and some legal advice and find out what you are entitled to in the event that he does divorce you. Not to be a vindictive ex wife, but to protect your children.

He wants you to feel insignificant...well show him how smart you really are, and what you are capable of..and make him eat his shit (metaphorically speaking).