Emotional Abuse Support Group

Yesterday was very hard... But last night all my friends rallied around me & had a lot of fun at my house. Today is little better.. But as I walk around here doing the choirs he would do, I find myself holding back the tears. I thought I wanted him gone... But now that he is... I miss him. I don't miss the abuse..the arguing ... The tension my body felt. But I do miss his presence... Does that make any sense??? I'm so scared.. And not sure what to do... This hurts .. No matter what way I look at it... Please ladies.. Grasping on to you... Keep me on track... Because in my head now, I'm doubting how bad the abuse was.... Could I live with it... Could it get better? Should I just give it time-space away from each other to heal? *tears*

You have been a member of this board since february with 150 posts. It was bad. Do not doubt yourself. What you are feeling is completely normal. Keep spending time with positive friends and do something good for yourself. Maybe something he wouldnt let you do or couldnt do since you were with him. So what if the house is a little lonely for a bit. You are not going to be alone forever and you deserve only people who lift you up in your corner!! Stay Strong!!

Yes it makes sense. The same person who wrecked us were the same ones we got positive attention from during the honeymoon phase. Traumatic Bonding. I keep rereading that part of Bancroft's book. And researching it.

your post made me cry. i know the feeling and it looks like we are on a similar timeline. i had a great day today and i am finally starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. i am lonely and confused ablut missing my abuser too. the meaning of traumatic bonding is becoming clearer and clearer to me every day. my house still can feel empty. so does my bed, even though my abuser was incredibly sexually abusive. i am glad to hear this emotion is normal. thankful for this forum.

It makes absolute sense! Twitchy and starry are right, what you are feeling comes from traumatic bonding. We get through the hard times and are so desperately needing any kind of comfort that when they show us the slightest kindness, it becomes a huge thing to us and we latch on to that. If you were held prisoner and weren't given any water for days, you would be extremely grateful when you did get water even. It is the same with an abuser.

Journaling really helps me through the tough times. Abusers brainwash us and re-wire our brains so I wasn't able to trust what my head was telling me. Journaling what I was feeling gave me clarity about how I was really feeling and I educated myself on abuse so I knew that what I was feeling was normal. Just leaving my abuser was a very confusing time because I couldn't trust my own brain, but I always trusted my feelings.

For example, I felt very lonely and wanted him to hug me and tell me everything was going to be ok while he had just texted me telling me how pathetic and crazy I was. As I journaled, I understood that what I wanted was protection, comfort, and to feel safe in a time when I felt the opposite of those. It was him that I wanted to get those things because of the traumatic bonding.

Day two is almost as bad as day 1 if not worse. I remember the day I left him and how horrible I felt. I was so afraid he was going to lose all the progress he had made to get off drugs if I left him....and some how that would be my fault. I was afraid I'd never see Jenny again. I was afraid he would kill himself. I definately didn't want to talk to him, and he called me over and over and over again. They know that if they badger us enough and bug us enough we'll eventually respond.

Sure enough...he did start doing drugs again. But I don't blame myself for a second. After I had time to get away from him, I realized that he was weak and only he could make himself start doing drugs again. My leaving him was just an "Excuse" to do them again, but he's the one who chose to do it, not me. Its like when I was with him and he verbally abused me...he wanted to verbally abuse me, he just used something I did as an "Excuse" to hurt me.

The abuse is very real. One of my ex's favorite arguments was that he was justified to treat me the way he did because of something I said. He would say I was just as responsible as he was.

Well even if that were true....we're still toxic as hell to each other. Even if both parties are responsible for the abuse, two wrongs do not make a right. Oil and water will never mix. Two people who are potentially equally abusive...it doesn't make a healthy relationship.

Just remember that and keep telling yourself that you deserve better. I went running after I left my abuser and it gets your endorphines pumping and you're able to think a lot more clearly afterwards.

I still have moments that I miss him but my strength and desintoxicatining are helping wonders....I am on the first day of my 2nd year!!! since I left my abuser...and not verbal or visual contact....can you believe that?....and most of the time I am feeling healthy and in control that I am building safe and stable grounds.....you can do it....think of baby steps at a time....the more I miss my abuser the more I read and the more I find my abuser in the lines of what I read....and this brings a whole lot of relief.....think of an addiction bec that is what it is....the getting out of the custom of seeing the same abuser all the time.....the logic helps me out of the illusion of my abuser being the source of my happiness....walk yourselves through the path.....for example, I begin to think....I miss my abuser (act of Mr. Wonderful)...then I think what would happen if I see him right now....ok at best he will hug me and it would turn into arousal...then we will eat something tasty at a restaurant or bbq huge steak....then watch tv...and then the end of the day where he will take off to another geographical location....for a trip, living in another state, meeting, fun, obligations....and I will be left on my own again...top that the phonecalls or text messages or e-mails or comments of common friends of current, ex girlfriends...etc, etc, etc....and I am not up to this uncontrolable sense of innestability....I rather have my peaceful Sunday of this time...where I have had a nice breakfast...watch some tv, going back to sleep and later some theater volunteering....for a nice good night sleep as I start working early in the morning to see nice colleague at work, etc...on a sunny day where noone is departing my company or abusing me verbally, manipulating me, underhanded messages also with jokes.....moving and going to places where nothing gets to be constant but the instability and abus my abuser well dominates to his pleasure....when I think of the multiple girls he can be hanging out with ....now I see in the long run (hours, minutes or days)...he will abuse them and they will be the joke of the moment...for them to be tortured like I was.....do I miss being in their shoes?....no way Jose.....one secret I have found out....I have gotten jobs where I would find the image/illusion of my abuser...his better side...so I have a job at a hardware store...and I find nice and not nice people like my abuser...and this allows me to get what I am looking for in a more objective way...I am in control and I can see the good sides of this people and pacifies my hunger to see my abuser...at a much more safer grounds......keep it up....2nd 3rd, and such days....they all add up....and baby steps at a time I find myself at the 366th day of having left my abuser.....you can do it too...I started the same way you did....and I got involved with as many activities that I could....calling the dv hotline has been a saver!...and coming to this website and Bancroft I can not tell you enough...it can be done...and each one of us has a distinct and awesome way to open trenches where we decide to do so....we are very powerful...it only takes time, determination, persistance and pacience.....empower yourself with knowledge that it will come handy at times of weakness.....many hugs, Patricia