Emotional Abuse Support Group

So I've finally accepted that the strange feelings and behaviors I was experiencing while living with my abuser were from the former meth lab in that house. I'm still stunned. I'm upset with myself because the story he told me made it sound like it 'wasn't really a lab' and that the DEA had to come up with something after putting in all the time and money on their case. Somehow I wanted to believe that it wasn't that bad. What I saw and felt when I was standing in that basement told me I had been lied to.

I quit my job and moved across the country to end up in that situation. I thought I was smarter than that. I thought I had my shit together. I still can't believe I made all these decisions at this point in my life to end up unemployed, and needing the help of a local food bank to survive. I'm SO disappointed in myself. Why did I believe him?

Now I have to accept that all his 'I've always loved you' was just manipulation. That his behavior is because of all the meth he willingly put into his own body. In the month I was in that house - I couldn't eat, I was losing weight, I was having anxiety and panic attacks. I just thought I was really stressed. I had no idea I was being effected by chemicals that were still in that house.

My instincts to pack up and leave were my survival skills. I honestly don't know if I can turn it around from here. I'm hopeful but every day when I first wake up I am hit with the realization that I am still struggling and don't know when it will end. I have to decide what path I take next. It is so hard and overwhelming. I'm so ALONE. That's the worst part. I spend so much time alone in my own misery that I caused by trusting someone that is really messed up. I believed he was trying to make a better life. I believed that he wanted to have that life with me. I believed he was finally ready to be the person I knew he could be.

Now I'm here and struggling and I have no idea what he is doing. Part of me wants him to be struggling too. I've talked to a lot of people and been told that he will never change. His own father says they 'don't expose themselves to him' and that tells me a lot. I just want to move forward and every day feels like such an effort. I want ME back. I want my life back. I want to put this behind me and never look back.

I think accepting that we are being abused and manipulated is the hardest part of the whole process. I really commend you for finally letting it all sink in and growing to accept the situation for what it was, not for what it should have been.

Do not feel ashamed for wanting to believe the best in people. It doesn't matter now how much time and energy was spent in the past... what matters now is putting the effort into making the future you deserve. Going through abuse makes you uniquely stronger and wiser for the future. You have survived something many people cannot survive. You will come out of this with insight that many people could only dream of, and leave us humble enough to really appreciate the good people in this world the way they should be appreciated.

You have a chance now to surround yourself with good people and to redefine what makes you, YOU. There's a whole new path of self-discovery ahead of you. That's a lot to get excited about! A lot of work, sure, but the world is your oyster now

"I think accepting that we are being abused and manipulated is the hardest part of the whole process. I really commend you for finally letting it all sink in and growing to accept the situation for what it was, not for what it should have been."

Schefflera, that is soooo true. It's even harder when the abuser (in my case my parents) refuses to acknowledge their behavior and how it has impacted you. If I attempt to talk to them about it, they ridicule me and say I don't know what I'm talking about. I want so badly for them to apologize, but it will never happen, so accepting the situation, as you said, is the only way from there.

I tried to confront my parents about the abuse individually, but it never helped. I cut contact with my mother over 5 years ago and then my father about a year ago. My mother was much more obvious with her abuse (clear name-calling, telling me I was worthless, etc) so it was a little easier to justify to myself why I couldn't be around her anymore. With my father however, he was much more passive aggressive about it which made it so much harder to detect.

When I confronted my father about it, he used every trick in the book finally exploding into the full-fledged name-calling and cruel ridicule. I knew at that point that there was nothing I could do to repair the relationship because he wasn't willing to stop abusing me. He refused to accept that I deserved respect from him. It was still difficult for me to do, but I at least knew at that point that by "divorcing" him I was doing the right thing.

Please try to get your hands on Divorcing A Parent ASAP... I really think you could benefit from it.

I'm so aware that my attraction to abuse men comes from being raised (or not raised) by two very emotionally screwed up parents. I think I have run the full course of possible abuses. My father was a rageful alcoholic who cheated on my mother. My mother was depressed and suicidal due to the fact that HER father had molested her. My grandfather - all I remember is being about four or five and him showing my pictures of naked women in an art book. My brother walked in and told on him. Then my mother asked me if I he had ever touched me. I told her no. I don't have any memories of him doing anything to me. But honestly, being around all that dysfunction had to have messed me up.

My own childhood was full of trauma. Having to wear a brace for scoliosis. Having back surgery at eleven years old followed by a year and a half of body casts. I started kindergarten in a brace and junior high in a body cast. I KNOW that experience made me strong. It also made me see that people that are abusive have NO IDEA what it is really like to suffer. I want to have compassion for them and their issues - but I honestly can't handle all their crap after having to deal with so much that was out of my control as a child.

The parent thing always comes up in a relationship. Some days I'm mad at my mother for exposing me to abusive men - causing me to have this sick attraction to them. Then I'm mad at my father for never getting control of his addiction to alcohol and killing himself with it. The sick part is he didn't even so that well. He passed out in a hallway in the winter and laid there for several days until someone found him. He was hypothermic and his kidneys and lungs were failing. WE - his three children had to give the hospital permission to take him off life support. I didn't go back to be with him before he passed. It was a tough decision but I had two kids and a new job. I was saving up to eventually buy my house. Besides, the LAST time he did that and I want back he was in a coma and didn't remember my even being there. Other than a few phone calls on Sunday mornings, I didn't have a relationship with him. Sadly, after those calls - I always felt happier knowing that my father loved me. He's been gone for 13 years now.

WHEN will I get past all of this? Will I ever? Will I just be alone because I can't bond with anyone? THIS is why I keep wondering if my abuser and I are just as sick as the other. At least he can blame his issues on drugs. I'm just seriously screwed up!

You're NOT seriously screwed up... you're just having reactions to years and years of abuse. In fact, you're probably a lot more healthy than you think. You're probably the healthiest person in your family, actually. The more you learn about the nature of abuse, the more clear it will become that you were never the problem.

As a child, I couldn't make sense of my situation. I had no idea I was being abused, but all I knew was that I was miserable. I just couldn't figure out why I was incapable of being happy, why I suffered from such terrible depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, and who knows what else. The only way I could make sense of it all was to assume that I was crazy or "screwed up".

However, I was missing a major piece of the puzzle: the abuse. I've come to recognize that while like all humans, I'm not perfect, a lot of my issues and my unhappiness can be traced back to the abuse I suffered as a child and on through adulthood.

It will take time to heal, but yes, it IS possible. I'm still on this journey myself, but I'm already experiencing life in a way now that is so different from what I ever imagined it is difficult to even remember how I used to be at times. You are not as sick as an abuser. You still have the ability to appreciate the good in people and to love people whereas an abuser will never be able to appreciate something like that.

Keep on educating yourself as much as possible. Check out our book reccomendations in the forums! You might want to check out Healing Your Emotional Self by Engel for example. Find yourself a counselor who specializes in abuse cases too.

You can do it!

HI!

Have you ever been tested for PTSD? I think that would be a good start.

As far as you being alone...you are not. I know how you feel about the messed up family, the abuse and having your partner lie to you about meth. I was in a similar situation and didn't even realize it until I got out. I visited my boyfriend daily except for one day and I thank god for that everyday. The day I didn't visit him, the house was raided and everyone was cuffed and thrown on the floor.

I out of the kindness of my heart also let my boyfriend, his cousin, his girlfriend and their two children stay with me in my 1 bedroom apartment because they had no where to go. They smoked meth behind my back there all the time. Later on when they had lived there awhile and I was starting to feel like an outsider in my own house, I picked up the habit too.

I have been clean for six years and have been out of the abusive relationship for just as long. It does get better.

Pm me if you need to talk.

Miranda, I want to recomend Al-Anon to you. It is a wonderful program for people whose lives are affected by alcoholics and drug abusers where you learn, among many things, that you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. I've learned so very much from the program like how to set boundaries, how to detach from negative or poisonous people, how not to get caught up in anyone's drama, and that I'm powerless over others, but powerful when it comes to myself.

On another note, I have scoliosis, too.

"WHEN will I get past all of this? Will I ever? Will I just be alone because I can't bond with anyone? THIS is why I keep wondering if my abuser and I are just as sick as the other. At least he can blame his issues on drugs. I'm just seriously screwed up!"

Your abuse is a very sick, sick man. You are not. You have been brainwashed to believe that you are. You are not screwed up. You are an abuse victim. I thought all of the same things about myself. With my counselor, Al-Anon, this site, and supportive friends, I no longer feel that way and see the truth. You can get there. Never lose hope.

Thanks I really needed this support today. Just had my first experience at a food bank. I NEVER thought it would come to this. I just don't know what else to do to make my money last through the month.

Schefflera - I did order that book - Healing you emotional self. I have to go pick it up today. I'll spend this weekend with it.

leiha83 - I appreciate your insights on the meth stuff. I really had not idea he was that bad. I mean - I knew he had addiction problems but he always made it sound like it was in the past. Like he really wanted a life beyond his addictions. I believe his last wife had the same situation you did. She put up with it and then started doing it. I feel bad for her. I think my PTSD has to do with all the addiction problems in my life. To go from a father that died of it to having a daughter dealing with it and then end up living with a lying, manipulating addict is just too much. It's like I can see the good in them and want to much to have the good - then the bad takes over and I am powerless against it. All my love and hopes and efforts at making it right don't work. I get worn out and resentful. Then I start hating life and people that HAVE all the things I don't seem to be able to have. I've been so angry and detached these last three months. I feel like I'm finally coming out if it. I just want to be happy again.

Lifeawaits - I just saw your post. Wow - another scoliosis sister! You that hardest part for me - at five years old - was knowing already that I'm not perfect. It's taken me years to accept myself as not perfect but I think I'm a lot more aware of it than most of the screwed up people in my life - because I had to accept it at a very young age.

I did go to an Al-anon meeting last night! It was SO good for me. It was amazing how calm and assuring and respectful everyone there was. Something I wasn't used to after being on edge that at any time my abuser could fly into a rage over something I did or didn't do right. I am starting to feel like myself again. It has been a struggle between my strength to move forward and looking back to try and figure out what happened and what I could have done different. Today I feel stronger. I know Al-anon helps me get there. It is one day at a time right now.